Up All Night

I was told to write yesterday and I failed. It was a truly challenging day with my son. The past few months of the teen years have been almost more than I can handle. He has some emotional problems and I’m spending a lot of time managing his doctors and treatments and, well, it’s really hard. He had anxiety all day yesterday. It was different in that most days there is an episode or challenges but not a whole days worth of it.

Daddy and I had a great adult weekend last weekend. We had time to play. Even though his knee has been hurting him, he still set out all the toys and took care of me. He is so good to me.

I know he wants to hear my thoughts on that play. He was leaving on a plane and sent me a text stating that I must write for him. Not that I had to write something specific but that it had to be yesterday. I accepted the order. I knew he was doing it for me after all. Over the last few months, I’ve realized the submissive part of our relationship is much more something I wanted and not so much something he craved. I think it is fun for him but not necessary.

Daddy wasn’t here to see how all consuming my son was throughout the evening. I ended up falling asleep with my son tucking me in and going back to his room. He was finally calm and I was out. I completely lost focus of Daddy’s command.

In the morning, I woke to Daddy being very upset with me…disappointed, he texted. I broke. The man gives me one command in months and I failed completely. He may not need a submissive but I know he wants me to write. He drops pointed comments often enough that I know how he misses it. I felt my heart drop to my feet. I love him so much and yet I can’t do a simple thing when he asks.

I didn’t even know how to respond. You can’t make proper amends by apologizing again for a repeated bad behavior. Who cares to hear that? No one.

So, here I am writing. I spent my one night alone in the house cleaning everything I never have time to clean. I’m so tired of not getting those things done. It was cathartic. At least the place smells better.

So, one thing at a time. Today I write, tomorrow I’ll sleep.

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Why Write?

I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. It is a clear sign that I have writer’s fatigue. Right at this moment I don’t have a burning desire to write. When this happens I struggle with it. I want to write but it’s like slogging through mud in fishing boots.

I mentioned this to a friend I used to blog with back in the day. He said that perhaps I need more immediate feedback and that’s true. When I blogged on places like Yahoo 360 and Multiply there were whole communities of bloggers and it felt like Home. We riffed off each other’s writing and it was fun. I see that happening for many on this site but I haven’t been able to scratch the surface much. I am sporadic at times and this does not build a social group. Plus, WordPress is a classic blogging site rather than a social platform.

Perhaps, it’s that I’m writing about real life now instead of my fantasies. I’ve written two different blogs in the past. They were family-based or kink lifestyle-based in some fashion. I would bounce up and down the scale of dedication to both. Real life blogging is a unique type of storytelling. You actually need some real event to write about. You can’t tell a pithy or anecdotal story if nothing interesting happened that day. If you force it then it simply becomes FaceBook. This isn’t that.

My lifestyle blog in the past was about how I wanted to learn about the lifestyle. It was a good chunk of exploration with fantasy peppered throughout. Now I write about the lifestyle I currently live. It’s been suggested that I write some fantasy again. Ok.

But if someone is coming to a reality-based kink lifestyle blog do they really want to hear my fantasies? Maybe or maybe not.

What really irks me to no end and I’m sure bothers my Dominant is we’ve had some amazing scenes, one in particular, that I haven’t written. Every time I go over the events in my mind I can’t summon the words to do it justice. So, I get down on myself and that dampens the process further.

All this has been rumbling around in my mind while steaming hot scene writing has escaped me. Your thoughts are welcome.

Here I Am Again

Starting again and over again. It’s a thing I do.  It’s much better than quitting completely.  Trust me.  That is the worst.  I am consistently inconsistent.  😅

So, what’s happening in your world? Lots, you say?  Mine too. 

Daddy is off to Texas again.  This time for two weeks.  We had trips and holidays, family time and together time.  All during this time we were sick.  Ugh. I am over the whole sick routine.  Off to the Doctor tomorrow because the chest rattle is still around.

I have many great things to tell you so don’t go running off like you do.  Oh wait, that was me.  My bad.

As Daddy says, “Stress is not my friend.” I tend to shut off and internalize when I’m trying to work a problem.  I will explain as I get back into our story.

Love and hugs for now.

Amor 

Beginning

My goal for today is to post each day.  Even if it’s just a few words.

Seasoned writers say, just get it on the page.  It may not be pretty or polished but that’s not the point.  The point is to be consistent. That is my lesson here.  Consistent dedication to my goals is my challenge.  So, this is today’s beginning. 

Writing a blog about a Dominant submissive relationship when it is going to become a long distance relationship is going to stretch my skills…as well as stretching my emotions and everything else that goes along with this. 

As long as I keep writing, I can get through this.  We can get through this.  I will continue to be as open as possible.  Writing will help us stay connected, stay bonded.  I will do whatever it takes to keep us together.  This is the beginning. 

Dedication

black-woman

I am dedicated to Daddy.  I want with all my heart to be all that he wants and needs in a submissive, a wife, a slave and a woman.  I hope that with everything I do that I honor my dedication to him, that I honor him in thought, word and deed.

This week I failed him.  I promised to write and I failed to do so.  He was away in Berlin and it would have been the best time to write for him.  To give him a taste of his home and his girl while he was so far away.  I failed him in that.  Why do I fail? My focus drifted to other things.  I was hyper-focused on cleaning out my closet.  I’m worried that we’ll not have enough room for all his things and mine when we move in together.  So, I took everything out of the one closet bit by bit and went through it.  I’m not nearly done.  I want to scan old photos so they will no longer take up space.  I want to make some photo albums of special photos.  I took out two years of filing I had avoided for too long.  I bought a filing cabinet and shredded and filed until there was nothing left but one organized cabinet. I did my taxes.

I was distracted from my main desire, to please Daddy. I know I get distracted.  I get tunnel vision on one task and other equally important tasks fall by the wayside. When Daddy asked for me to write, I wanted to write.  I knew I wanted to please him and I promised.  Still I didn’t write.  My muse felt so silent and cold. Daddy arrived home from Berlin and I was so happy I’d be able to see him.  He texted that he’d arrive and I was to wear a skirt and no panties.  He told me that I would feel his passion and his displeasure.  That I would be punished and asked if I knew why.  Oh, yes, I knew.  I knew very well.  He said, even though we would be having family time that he would find time during the evening to make me feel his heat and I would be punished. Even as I felt the guilt from my actions, my heart sang that he cared so much for me and for my writing.  I felt a wave of need for him so white hot.  Maybe I should be afraid of punishment but it feels like home, it feels like caring, it lets me know his desires and that our dynamic is important to him.

Silhouette is in the public domain