Setting the Tone

Before I arrived for my visit with Daddy, he sent me a video of a slave being used by two Masters.  They were very harsh with her and used her body repeatedly.  They took her anally, vaginally and facefucked her.  They degraded her by spitting on her. It was a very intense scene.  She had no break and they did not let up in using her for any plea.

Daddy and I spoke about it after I watched it.  We talked about how she gave of her service and it was not at all about her receiving pleasure. As a viewer, I was initially appalled that she was used almost to the point of abuse. 

When I thought about the scene from a lifestyle perspective, I realized it was along the same lines as what I crave with Daddy. When he leaves his Daddy Protector behind and his Stern Master side comes out it puts me very quickly into a deeply submissive state.  

As we discussed the video he said, “They took and she gave. I have spit on your sex like that but never degraded you with it. I have slapped your face but didn’t know what you felt about it. There will be more discussions and demands.”

Finally he said, “You have mentioned degradation before and that name calling is a turn on. We haven’t gone to sub space in a very long time. Prepare for that on vacation.” 

Fast forward a week.  After picking me up from the airport and taking me to dinner, we went home together. We had some snuggle time then he said, “Stand please. Strip off your clothes and kneel.”

I took a deep breath and followed directions.  I pulled my dress above my head and dropped it on the other couch. I faced him then took off my bra and panties. As I knelt he said, “Very nice. Eyes down.”

My eyes were lowered already but now I knew not to raise them, he rarely specifies that. “Arms at your sides. Remember, what I said?” I knew immediately and nodded.  A race of adrenaline shot through me. I was finally with him after a month of no Daddy and now I would be tested by Master too.  I was giddy and nervous all at once. 

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The Beatings will Continue until Morale Improves

Mr. D and I had a couples massage for a treat.  I had a woman who gave an incredibly deep massage.  My shoulders and upper back were quite sore when she was done.  She told me to let her know if she was hurting me, but when you’re supposed to be a masochist and your Dominant is lying next to you it feels pretty ridiculous to tell a short round woman, “Oh please stop, that hurts.”  She said I was a mess, I took her word for it and let her do her job.  

We stopped at Daddy’s favorite cigar bar and I met some friends of his. We enjoyed a few drinks and later arrived home.   We laid on the bed for a bit, we were nicely toasty by then. He told me to stay as he left the room so I took off my clothes and knelt in obeisance waiting for him.  When he returned he took my hand and led me to the spanking bench. 

I was so happy that he wanted impact play.  I love every expression of what he does to me.  I mount the bench and I am his. I am his willing plaything.  My hair falls over my face and I’m cocooned in the sensations he provides.  His voice caresses me while his instruments play across my body.

Many times it is impact play and other things as well.  He has tied me to the bench, he has facefucked me on the bench.  He has made me wear plugs and other inserted things.  This time though it was pure impact play.  

He used a feather duster to awaken my skin and tease my nerve endings. Then he used a long leather flogger to prime me.  I so love that flogger.  It is heavy yet he wields it in such a way that it can provide thuddy pleasure.  After he warmed me up with soft strokes he used this flogger to give me its bite and sting. I squirmed on the bench when he did this.  The bite of it makes me whimper and move away from it. But this warms my skin and makes me feel completely alive.   

He knows when I have reached my limit on one area of my body so he switches to another.  He used several different crops on my back.  With the soreness lingering from the massage I felt every biting smack of those crops.  It wasn’t a respite from the pain it just moved the playing field.  

“I want you to slip away and fly but I don’t think you will today.”  I wondered how he knew.  I felt languid and fully under his spell but he was right, I didn’t feel like I would go into subspace.  He switched to the heavy buffalo flogger.  This flogger is fairly new to us.  When he wields it the impact packs an intense wallop.  The sensation is very like being punched. Every strike to my ass jolts me forward on the bench and forces my voice and breath from me.  I hear myself grunting as the hit ricochets through me. I absolutely love it.  I feel every ounce of his power in those strikes.  I am putty under his punishing blows.   I want more, ever more.

Again he switched to something new.  He never rests from the onslaught but he is in my head.  He knows when to change rhythm, when to move from back to thighs to ass.  We are a matched pair dancing the timeless steps of the sadist and masochist.  He comes around to my face and holds a piece of leather to my lips.  “The one I made especially for you, slut.” It was the slapper he had fashioned himself.  I ran my lips over it, bit it lightly to feel it in my teeth. God, how I love this man. 

When he was done he told me, “Rise when you are ready.  Hold the sides and step down, one foot at a time.” I rose and was relieved I had listened to him and held on.  I was so limp I would have fallen.  I wasn’t in subspace all the way but I was certainly very deep into the sensations and experience. It took me time to come back together. 

“Look what you do to me.  I’ve been dripping the whole time.” I held his hand to steady myself and saw that his cock was hard and he was indeed dripping. I can’t tell you how much that thrills me.  To know that he clearly is very turned on by what we do gives me such a rush of joy. 

“Run your fingers up the base.” He’s teaching me how to milk him.  I put my fingers around the base of his cock and run them up the vein on the underside of him.  As they reach the tip, his come floods out if I’ve done it right. I took my prize and licked my fingers as he watched. 

Force

I read a post today on another submissive’s blog where she talked about being forced up against a wall. Feeling the cold drywall on your face and breasts while his hand grips your hair and his other roams your body, violating you.  Mr. D did this to me, it was divine.  It was so carnal and sent me straight into a gasping tunnel spiraling towards subspace.  

He did it in part because I had sent him an image where the man held his woman just that way so you could see the side of her face, the small of her back arched with her fine ass pushed out against her will…his hand caressing, ready to strike.  I sent it during work, bad girl.  He was burning Dominant fuel by the time I got home to him.

I loved it, I should have expected it but I didn’t.  You never know if your thoughts, pictures, or texts will resonate strongly or mildly.  I was in a sultry teasing mood and this was the fallout.  The thing that has me thinking about this tonight is subspace and how I seem to get there.  It appears to be linked with anger, anxiety, and fear.  So far, it doesn’t seem to be linked as much with pain as I expected. It is completely related to how Mr. D treats me mentally and my reaction to that treatment.

I’m not sure what a mind fuck is but I wonder if this would fall into that category.  Twice I fell hard into subspace.  Both times Mr. D wasn’t mad, angry or even mildly miffed but he was fully present in his Dominant state.  His tone, his demands, his whole persona changed in my eyes.  He became fierce, there was no possible way to deny him.  I may not explain this well but I trusted him and still felt scared.  I was afraid of doing anything against his will or anything not as he demanded.  It became essential to my survival to acquiesce and obey.  At the point of feeling that ultimate Dominance overpower me, I slipped into deep subspace.

So now I know how to get there.  That is important, especially since I want to find that place again.  Since achieving subspace, I think about it often.  The experience is unparalleled.  It’s like being wrapped in a blanket of Him.  Nothing but his words and his presence exists.  It is the most intimate connection I’ve ever experienced.

I wonder, though, can fear be the trigger?  If so, it may not be the only trigger but it is the strongest one for me so far.  I’ve read about others being triggered by pain, by a violet wand, by all sorts of things.  It seems to be quite individual and variable.  

I wonder about my reaction because it may relate to my past and this may be key to some needed healing.  I was in a relationship with someone who had major anger problems.  His anger was so unreasonable, so violent and scary.  When he was drunk it was worse.  I spent several years with a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I walked on eggshells all the time.  It became my way of life to get through the fire.  So, after leaving and starting my life anew, I wonder about wanting to experience similar sensations again. Am I insane to want this?  I wonder how I can go there again even in a safe way.  It’s as if my fear has morphed into my kink somehow.

It’s not something I have any control over so I can’t say I’m doing this to be stronger or face my fears.  I’m not.  If it will help me to let go of the past somehow I think that would be a wonderful side effect.  But honestly, I just want to keep experiencing this with Mr. D.  If the intensity of our connection causes sparks to fly and my past made that happen then I will proudly wear my scars, internal or otherwise.

Kicking it up a Notch

Le_Rêve_d'un_flagellant_by_George_TopferI’m going to write this post because I need to process through our session Sunday but I really think it would be more accurate if Mr. D wrote it.  During part of the session, I was adrift.  I felt completely under his control to such an extent that I’m not really sure exactly what happened step-by-step.  I am beginning to see what can be dangerous about being in subspace.  If you are on another planet emotionally, you need to completely trust your Dominant to care for you and know when to push things and when to scale them back.  The more I play with Mr. D the more I see how much I already trust him and the more I feel myself letting go.

Mr. D and I got home from a really nice lunch with a friend.  We relaxed a while then we decided to watch a movie.  While we were watching the movie, Mr. D got out his laptop and said, “Show me the porn you watch.”  I think he wanted to see what got me hot, what I watch if I’m at home and want to masturbate.  I had shown him my all-time favorite scene the day before, a super-hot school girl being confronted by a Professor scene…yummy.  So, with that one used up, I didn’t have many other stellar choices.  I only have a couple go-to scenes.  The first one I picked on this day was very intense.  It was a woman who was a slave of the man who was filming her.  Some parts of it have aspects I don’t like.  The parts I like involve her being verbally dominated by the man and that she gets so worked up she squirts.  Why is squirting hot?  I have no idea, but it is.  This one is hot to me because of how she talks and how she gets herself worked up in that moment.

The second piece of porn was one that is fun.  It starts with two women porn stars talking.  One is interviewing the other.   They talk so matter-of-fact about porn and loving women’s bodies including each other’s.  They are hot, cute and funny all at once.  Then they play with each other…also quite sexy.  While watching this we starting talking.  Partly, I clarified why I liked each film and partly he questioned me about certain likes and dislikes.  He asked about my past with women.  I have very little experience with sex with women.  I still wonder if I am into them or not.  I absolutely love lesbian porn and during hetero porn I usually watch the woman.  I love breasts….watching them bounce, how they look, how they feel.  So, while we were talking Mr. D took my hand and put it on his erection through his pants.

He said, “We watch porn and I’m not aroused but I look at you and I’m hard.”

That’s a comment that’ll make any woman warm to her toes, honestly!  I just love this man.  He makes me so tingly all over with his words and how he looks at me.  I leaned over to kiss him.  Then we began to kiss with earnest passion while my hand still held his erection.  In the back of my mind, though, I was thinking that we’d already had sex several times this weekend and my pussy was sore.  Now, here we were starting up again.  What to do.  This thought bubble was over my head, while we were kissing. Clearly, he noticed me pull back imperceptibly.  He began to suck my tongue deeply into his mouth.  He was clearly having none of my vacillation. He sucked so hard that my tongue was trapped in his mouth and damn it hurt.  I began to breathe harder while I was dealing with the pain of that even in the midst of our passion.

He finally released me and told me to stand in front of him.  I stood and he said, “Take off your clothes.”  I felt love drunk from the kisses and the way he looked at me.  The tone in his voice began to strum a chord deep inside my chest.  I could tell that he meant business.  He was very firm in his manner and command.  He spread his knees to make a free spot on the carpet. “Kneel.”  I knelt between his legs right up against the couch where he sat.

“Hands behind your back.” I laced my fingers together behind my back to make sure my hands stayed there.  Now, here is where my mind gets a little fuzzy.  Subspace does that, I’m learning.  I think he took my hair in his hand and kissed me hard again.  Then, he pushed my face down into his lap so that I would suck his cock.  I love doing that.  I’m still working on getting him in my throat.  He is so big and it’s still new to me.  I sucked him the best I could with my hands behind my back.  I think he helped me by guiding me with his hand gripped in my hair at the base of my head.  At some point, he pushed me back up to a kneeling position.

“You’re my good little slut, aren’t you?”  He asked.

“Yes, Daddy.”  I breathed.

“No talking.” I gasped a little and said, “Okay.” Still not getting the ‘no talking’ part.  This was so foreign.  Mr. D loves me talking to him.  He usually demands and requests that I talk to him during sex.  So, I was at a loss with this new turn of events.  I tried.  Truly, I did.

“Spread your legs.” I moved my knees open while still kneeling, not an easy thing without your hands to steady yourself. Mr. D rubbed my clit hard and then pushed his fingers inside me.

Changing tactics, he pushed me back down on his cock.  Mr. D forced my lips up and down his shaft a couple times then pushed me back up. His fingers stroked my pussy and then pushed inside me. He fucked me with his fingers until I was moaning and wet all over his hand. Then he pulled me close for another damaging kiss. My tongue was throbbing from the torturous kisses, my pussy was throbbing from his invading fingers and my mind was only focused on him. He was so firm, so forceful. I could barely breathe. Every ounce of my heart and soul were concentrated on him, making sure I followed every word, every command.

“You are mine. Do you hear me? You’re my slut, aren’t you?” I nodded, but I must have said something because he immediately said, “No talking!” again. I was beside myself. My stomach muscles clenched and I was mortified that I hadn’t done right. In that moment, I felt like my world would end if I didn’t please him fully.

He had me kneel up straight again. His fingers plundered my nether regions again. I could hear my own moans as if they were disconnected from me. He caressed my breasts and sucked on my nipples. Mr. D had me hold my breasts up so that he savor them.

He said, “Take hold of a nipple in each hand.” He showed me how he wanted me to grip them. With my thumb and forefinger, I gripped one nipple around the areola and then did the same to the other. He had me pull tightly and raise my breasts off my body and into the air by the nipples. It hurt but not immensely so. Then he began to spank my breasts. First one and then the other. It stung so intensely and also increased the pain elicited by my own hands holding them aloft. I know I cried out. I couldn’t beg him because I wasn’t allowed to speak. I think this was punishment for speaking the second time. I’m not sure. All I knew in that moment was he was being so forceful and I felt that any moment I was going to fail him.

After only a few slaps he stopped. He indicated that I could let my breasts down. “Get up.” He said. I rose on very wobbly feet and turned around as asked. He had me grab the couch arm for support and lower myself down on his cock. I was facing away from him and lowered myself onto him. He filled me so full and I could feel the discomfort from having been used several times already during the weekend. I tried to raise myself up again to begin moving on his shaft but my legs were completely spent from kneeling. I could barely move. He noticed I was having trouble and let me up. He rose and sat me on the edge of the couch. I leaned back and he mounted me from above. It’s remarkable that even after I’m sore down there it only takes the right movement, the right amount of passion and everything is just fine again. It’s like my insides heal because of the level of arousal. I have never experienced that before.

Afterwards, he cradled me on his chest curled up beside him on the couch. I held onto him like a dinghy lashed to the side of a ship. I felt my breathing slowly return. I felt myself ‘come down’, if that makes any sense. It was as if I was in some alternate state while I was under his command. That’s really the only way I can describe it. He held me and talked to me until I was mostly back to normal. Though, I remember Mr. D looking down at me at that point and saying, “Wow, look at your eyes, you’re still out there.” I’m not sure what they looked like in that state but apparently it was obvious to him.

Thinking back now, I am sure this was our most intense and deepest power exchange yet. I was completely under his control. I had no ability to do something other than he asked. I don’t really know what would have had to happen to snap me out of it enough to use a safe word if I needed to use one of mine. I suppose if it had gotten that far I would have found out. But it wasn’t that he did anything very dangerous or very painful. It was just the level of control he had and the force with which he exerted it. I do know now that I trust him to send me to great heights and to catch me on the way down. I trust him completely and can’t wait to be in his power again.

Getting Back on the Horse

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Very rarely writing is like going to the gym.  Instead of that feeling that pulls you viscerally towards the keyboard, you know you should write and yet the drive to get you moving just isn’t there.  Everything I think to write just flits right back out of my head or sounds old, tired, overdone.

So, here I sit.  Typing and not writing anything of substance.  Where is my fire? It flew away on the winds of life in the real world.  Life in the world of serving a Master can’t happen much when you are spending the majority of time in the life of a mom and working professional.

I do have some wonderful memories from the past several weeks to share.  Mr. D starting having me honor him with a ritual greeting when I arrive in his presence.  He only gave me the ritual when I come to his home. I kneel in his room and wait to be acknowledged, then I may look up and greet him.  It has served to put me in a submissive mindset from the moment I arrive at his place.  Now, I find myself kneeling to him in other ways and places just because I love to honor him that way and it makes me feel my submission all the more strongly.

Mr. D has learned some of my triggers and is using these to illicit my desire when he wishes now.  He has found out that my neck is very sensitive.  Any pressure, whether grabbing my throat, choking me, or grabbing my hair sends me quickly into a place I love to be.  Is it sub-space?  I don’t know.  I’m not really sure what it is really. I think sub-space is more supposed to be a floating, disconnected place you feel after or during serious play. But maybe it is a pre-cursor of that.  All I know is that when he pays attention to my neck and throat area I begin to melt, to feel short of breath, my eyes begin to glaze over and he can pretty much do whatever he wants with me.  I can’t explain it beyond that.  It pulls me right out of myself and all I focus on is him and his touch on me.  Sighs

He did that today.  We had a very relaxing morning and afternoon.  We shopped for him and then he took me to lunch.  We got back to my place and were sitting on the couch, he was playing with the dog.  My pup loves him…loves his attention.  I can’t blame him.  At one point though, he began to trail the lightest touch on my leg.  It tickled so I grabbed his hand.  He gave me this look that said in no uncertain terms to allow him to continue.  I let go.  I bared it for a minute and grabbed his hand again.  He was being playful and yet I felt him controlling me, controlling the action.  I let go.  I felt my body begin to react to his feather touch.  It stopped being ticklish.  He began to run that feather touch up around my throat.  Damn, I wanted him.  My breath became short, all I wanted was more of him.  He can switch on the Dominance so easily.  It just simmers there and is at his ready command.  I love how he is so gentle and kind and deferential until he’s not.  Then I melt.

Image used under Creative Commons Public Domain from Pixabay.

Take Two

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I’m sure you have all heard the news that Burning Man was rained out today.  When there is rain on the Playa, which is a dry lake bed and made up of powder-like alkali dust, it becomes this viscous mud that sticks to everything.  When you walk or drive it cakes up in thicker and thicker clumps until your feet weigh 40 pounds more and you can’t walk.  So, for the safety of all, they closed the gate and sent everyone back to Reno.  Here we are, one more night in the default world until heading home to the Playa.

I wanted to write tonight about so many things but I find myself too tired to spin my thoughts in the right direction.  I wanted to talk about the violet wand evening.  It was hypnotic watching the blue lightning course across my skin.  Mr. D said it was not a full powered wand so I wasn’t afraid.  I wanted to talk about the way he took me that night, how intense he was, we were and how he used me for himself.  I felt completely his in that moment.  I wanted to talk about the next morning, how we made out like teenagers on the couch.  I was getting ready to leave him for the day.  He started kissing my neck and when he kissed and bit right under my chin it drove me completely wild.  I felt this uncontrollable urge to protect myself there but the intense feelings of control and pleasure completely overwhelmed me.  I don’t know if it sent me to subspace but it certainly sent me somewhere deep and intoxicating.  He forced my head back and tortured me with those kisses and bites on my neck.  Then he pushed me down on the couch and pushed his manhood into my mouth.  I was under him and could not breath but I felt him towering over me and loved his Dominance in that moment.  The position needs some work so I don’t end up tapping out on his thigh but not every new position can be completely perfect.  I can still feel the heat of those impetuous moments on the couch.  I just wanted him to tear my clothes off but I had to leave.  Oh, the bittersweet agony of that.

These are just some of the things on my mind.  I hope you all enjoy the week and that I don’t float away on a sea of Playa mud before I talk to you again.