Hold Strong

For the thousandth time in my life I wish I were stronger.  Sure, I am strong.  I can bear pain reasonably well.  Emotional pain, physical pain, yes they hurt me but I don’t make a big fuss.  

The most fuss I’ve ever made has been with Daddy as he whips me. It is such a catharsis to be allowed to voice some whimpers of expression in those moments.  I’m so used to being the stoic, but I found a way to allow myself those expressions.  Still, I don’t let go much because those whimpers eventually worm their way under Daddy’s blanket of darkness and find the protective Daddy response. 

I’ve been doing my best in our current situation to be strong.  I haven’t succeeded.  I am an adult woman and at the moment I feel every bit the baby girl.  I want Daddy to be here and hold me and make it all okay.  

I talk to our wifey, Goddess, and I’m so impressed with her.  She says, “Just pack up and move.  Go to court.  Get your child and go.” If I had half of her dominance or moxey or whatever that is, I’d be in a whole different place in life.  But here I am, timid me. 

Will I ever have the life I want?  Will I ever speak up for me? Why when I do speak up I can’t handle the backlash that comes from speaking my truth?  Is there any way to train yourself to know how to deal with manipulative, pushy, toxic people like my ex? 

Again, I have no answers just questions.