A Prayer For Submission

Disturb me, my Master, when I am too well pleased with myself; when my dreams have come true because I have dreamed too little; when I have arrived safely because I have only sailed along the shore.

Disturb me, my Master, when with the abundance of the stresses I endure, I have lost my thirst for the dark passions of life.

Stir me, my Master, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas, where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, I shall find the stars.

I beg you to push back the horizons of my hopes and to push me into the future in strength, courage, and love. 

Open my heart to the love instilled there. My Master loves me tenderly. What he owns is to be kept under lock and key or to be shared as is his wish.

The more I hold back the less I will experience. The more I share, the more I will know service. Let me ask Him, when it comes to asking for something, to help me to be willing.

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Service

Mr. D has always written to me. Sometimes I’ve shared his writings here and sometimes not.  The unshared were more private writings. Recently, he began writing on his page here.  I’m sharing his post today because it touched me deeply but also as an introduction.

I hope you stop by his page to say hello or read.  Kindly, Amor

SERVICE

Service isn’t demeaning 

That goes for all servers

Socially people look down on servers 

A nameless hostess 

Accountable but snubbed 

Walked on 

Walked out on 

And treated poorly 

That’s in the vanilla world 

In our world they bear the brunt too 

They carry our marks and our secrets 

Our fears and mistakes 

They suffer in […]

https://misterdougtoyou.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/service/

Service

  
Service is a very important word for me. I was raised to be a helper for my mother. She ended up divorced and was not well equipped to handle single parenthood.  From a young age, I cared for others. I cared for my brother and my mom. Later, I cared for my husband and later still, my son. Having the concept of caring for others instilled so young, I do it now without at first being cognizant of it.

I used to feel resentful of my mother and having to care for a grown woman. It took me a long time and some growing up to forgive her for relying so heavily on me. I found forgiveness when I grew older and moved away. I learned how to be my own person and was able to see her more clearly. I found a deeper love for her then but that took years.

When my husband would ask more of me than I wanted to give I would feel that resentment again. I would mull over my feelings as I performed whatever duty he asked of me. After a while, I realized that I was the only one suffering from my resentment. I decided that I wasn’t going to say no to the request and so I should learn to like what I was doing and come up with a better reason for doing it than merely keeping the peace. Every time I was asked to do something, I chose to think of how I would feel if someone did that for me. I would feel so grateful. I would be in awe of them for helping me instead of saying no. I chose to be generous of my time. I chose a healthier path. By doing this, I began to see my place in life in a different way.

At work, I also began to change my style of management. I have always worked in business administration. In any business, there is the talent and there is support staff.  I read the book, The Servant, and realized that there was a whole management style built around how I naturally handled things. I began to see that in service I supported my staff. I served them by leading and they served the greater good of the company.

Finally, I found my way into the lifestyle. This is where my character truly found wings. I could serve others truly now. Without the veil of society upon me, I could strip away the façade and be the real me. I knelt at Mr. D’s feet for the first time and it felt so right. It felt like home. I choose to serve and in that service I submit to him and to his desire. I am laid bare as the servant that I am and long to be.

I no longer must hide my service in a veil of acceptable behavior. I can revel in my place at his feet. I can strive to be more than I am and also less. The striving for more is to strive to be all that he wants and desires in a slave. In some respects, I wish to be more than he wants for I know at times he would not demand as much of me as I’d like to give. It is natural for him to be dominant but not as natural to have someone be subservient to him. This is my gift. I wish him to feel so loved, so honored, so fulfilled by my service that he knows at his deepest core how worthy he is of that kind of love. When I say I want to strive to be less, I mean that I wish to put aside my self and my ego to be completely fulfilled within my service. This is not easy. This is the hardest part. Still, I want to explore that too.

Now in the lifestyle I have found a joy in service the wasn’t there before.  I seek for ways to please him and for ways to expand my thoughts on service.  This along with how he chooses to lead me will hopefully combine to bring our dynamic to a whole new level.

Image used with permission through CC3.0 with attribution by Marcus J. Ranum and found here.

Why Slavery?

Mr. D and I talked after he tested me so absolutely. He said I’m so transparent and that it’s easy to push my buttons. I am sure it is. A woman doesn’t get sucked into a decades-long relationship with an alcoholic without having some level of gullibility. I know I’m an easy target, I always have been. Sometimes I think I’m better than I used to be but I guess not. Maybe there is a part of me that chooses to submit because if I’m going to be manipulated at least it will only be by one person and I had a choice in the matter. There is some power to submitting. You choose it. After that you just have to let go and trust the person to whom you gave the power.
I want to talk about the question, ‘why slavery?’ Isn’t it enough to choose to submit to someone and enjoy that dynamic? Yes, it is plenty. It is an undeniable gift that he allows me to be his submissive. We explore a dynamic that I always wanted but until now hadn’t had the opportunity to explore in real life. All the exploration I did online cemented in me the desire for this in the flesh. Mr. D is that flesh and blood personification of my desire to serve.

There are many reasons I want to take this further. The first is that I feel deeply that Mr. D deserves someone to give him the depths of service slavery offers. I don’t choose this lightly. I have known him for a year and four months. I love how he is as a person. He cares about the people in his life very deeply. He chooses friends that would do anything for him and he is willing to do anything in return. He is an instigator and loves to stir the pot to see what happens. He thrives on giving people what they want and sometimes what they truly need even when they didn’t ask. He is measured and careful in his execution of his skills and his dominance. When he wants to know about something or learn a skill, he is driven until he finds the knowledge he needs or learns the skill he requires. Even with his regimented ways learned in the Navy, he can still be tempted to act swiftly in the pursuit of his desires. I love that he has plans of what to do to me next. I equally love when I see him throw all that out the window because he was taken away in the heat of passion. I want to give him something no one else has. I want to honor the person that he is by offering all of me to him. When we talk about my service, he tells me it makes him uncomfortable sometimes. I can see that. We are used to people being equal, doing their own thing. Like me, Mr. D is a caregiver. To me, that makes it doubly more valuable that I serve him. He knows the level of effort it takes and he doesn’t take it for granted. The Daddy side of him is very strong. I am blessed to have a man care for me the way he does and allow the little girl side of me a safe place.
For my side, I want the level of intensity I think it will bring. I want to be fully dedicated to him and his desires. I love the feeling of having no choice; that I must serve. There is no backing out. There is no option of being timid. There is only him and his desires. There is only what he chooses and how he wishes me to be. I want to give him all of me and then more. If he wants to mind fuck me like he did the other night, I take it. I am his property, I have no choice. I must trust that he has a reason for what he does and if he doesn’t then we will both suffer the consequences. I know that is a lot to give to another person. It is a lot of responsibility to place at someone’s feet. All I can say is that a lot of joy comes with that responsibility. I would be his chattel, his slave. I would do all that he wishes with no out. I would sink to whatever twisted levels he desired, be his slut in every way. He would care for me like he cares for anything else of value in his life. I would be a prized possession. There is no taking each other for granted in this dynamic.

A long time ago a friend introduced me to the online Gorean lifestyle. This is a fictional series of books. The premise is very similar to Conan, the Barbarian. The men are warriors and the women are their slaves. Clearly, the fantasy part was just that. Many people love the harsh quality of the warrior life. It harkens back to a time when men were more masculine and women more feminine. There was no equality. Each sex was compartmentalized to a very narrow set of parameters. Modern life has much more depth and gray areas for both men and women. What I loved about playing Gorean roleplay was the level of femininity I was able to achieve and that the sense of slavery was very real. The entire community treated you as your role. You were expected to conform or reap the punishment which was very harsh. It gave me a very rigid box within which to perform. Because of this singlemindedness, I was freed from all the complexities of life for a while. I was merely female and slave. My aim was to be the most feminine personification of me possible for the pure enjoyment of those I served. It was an escape from the realities of life to be sure but it also allowed me to distill myself into a more pure form of service. I really enjoyed it. I would like to feel that same single-mindedness of service with Mr. D.

Will Mr. D choose to take the slavery I offer? I don’t know. Perhaps his idea of slavery is more than I can handle. I think he may have something very different in mind from my limited notions.  I certainly felt emotionally turned upside down the other night.   I think he has begun to train me. I felt his power over me increase exponentially. Does it scare me? Yes. Will that stop me in my pursuit of serving him? No. I wish to serve him and be his in any way he wishes. I won’t shy away from what is hard. Life has shown me plenty of hard and I’m still here and still asking for more. I’m certain there are lessons to be learned and things I want to experience. For now, I will be his and offer myself wholeheartedly. I love him. I’m his completely. 

Glass

 I’m learning more and more how to have very full days, stay relaxed, fit all the cares in and still enjoy the minutes in between.

Having a relative on a very long hospital stay teaches you things.  I see how my calm demeanor provides calm to others.  It makes me embody the calm peacefulness even more as I strive to serve. Hopefully, I honor my submissive nature as well as help my loved ones.

These seem on the surface to be very simple gifts but they are wrought from many years of struggle. I’m so incredibly blessed that I started this journey very early in life. I remember being the type who would love to arrive at work and share my ‘grumpies’ with others. It felt communal. Truly, it just drains all involved. For a while, I just faked the happy attitude. But that wasn’t honest.  Much, much later I have learned to just be and in my existence to share my inherent peace and joy.

I don’t succeed every day. Monday and Tuesday my child told me I was off. “What’s wrong mom? You’re different today,” seeing my jittery anxiousness.   I took the queue. I had to find the problem and fix it. It was only inside me but was affecting all around me.  Moods are like that…contagious. I have noticed I get that way sometimes after a spectacular weekend with Daddy. I miss him and I’m thrown off my usual pace.

Yesterday could have been tense.  I heard some bad news. But I had a good day, felt relaxed, and gave my peace to my lovies. I love when that flows.

Last night, Mr. D and I had an easy night.  He put up one of those iron pot racks for me. Then we played.  He asked me what was in my toy box.  I bought several things from an online sex shop that was having an insane sale after Christmas. I needed something for when we were at my house because I really had nothing. I even bought a box with a lock to keep the contents from curious eyes. Felt funny unlocking it for Daddy, like I was hiding us somehow.

I bought a flogger with a glass dildo for  a handle. Daddy took it out and inspected it. “That is a stingy one.” He said. Then proved it to me. Certainly was! Then he used the glass dildo on me. Wow, those are insane!  The cold, the hardness, the ribbing on the handle. Yummy. Daddy pummeled my pussy with that thing. I was arching and pushing off the bed it felt so insanely good. We definitely need to use that again.

Image used through CC 3.0 and found here: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pleasuretoys-glass-dildo.jpg

Deserving of Service

From Mr. D

Kneeling at my feet, she serves me
Awaiting my attention and pleasure
Looking down at her I am humbled
I am moderately embarrassed
Rationally, I know we want this
We crave this dynamic in the relationship
Giving ourselves in this manner is liberating

I push boundaries, constrain and release her
Making her life a pleasure filled test of will
I am a man; middle aged and round
I am a sailor and honorable gent
Handsome in my way and passionate
I am a domesticated wild animal
But what makes me deserving of her service

After hours of thought, I realize
She serves because of her nature
She serves me by choice and by agreement
Do I deserve her service?
I do; I deserve her service because she believes I do
In trust, in honor, in the selfish pursuit of gratification

I respect and honor her and love her in service and in life