Communication

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Beginning in the open lifestyle was a rather tumultuous, stressful and halting start for me. When I was the single one and Ren and Nox were the couple, I had nothing to lose.  Nothing other than them as play partners.  And back when I played with them the first time I lost them pretty regularly. Most of the time I understood.  It was new, they had to figure it out within their love cocoon.  I didn’t take it personally for the most part but I got ousted pretty regularly.  I tried to watch and listen and do things the way they wanted.  Eventually, they moved on to many other people and my part was in the past.

Fast forward to now. I have Mr. D.  I am insanely, passionately and completely in love with him.  When we first began to date we shared our pasts and that we’d both tried open relationships in different ways.  We both wanted to continue with that openness. Two years later and we were still blissfully exploring our own relationship with no need of others.

Then I start talking to my couple again.  We talk, we share where we’re all at and playing again seems a good option.  I’m safe to them after so many problem people.  They are safe to me because they are a known factor.  Mr. D says, go have fun. Great and great.

But then, what I didn’t factor in (oh I tried and failed) was how I have changed and how I haven’t.  I played twice.  Both times it did what I set out to accomplish.  Nox seemed to enjoy our time together and Ren got heated up and touched by her kink in a good way.  Win win.

How I failed was to handle the whole situation along with my relationship with Mr. D poorly.  Bottom line, I did not communicate. I left Daddy wondering why I wasn’t giving him all the details. My failure to be completely honest was my downfall.  I had no reason at all other than timidity for why I didn’t and that brought near ruination to us.

I was a child playing with the seasoned adults and I acted like a child. On the other side of the coin, Ren and I talked for a long time in text.  We felt each other out.  She touched the edges and walls of her kink with me, testing the boundaries, feeling how it pulled her chains.  Before, it was always solely for her that we did this.  My joy was in serving her need and her kink. This time it was different for me because she touched a boundary I didn’t know was even there.  It felt like she was encroaching on my cherished relationship with Mr. D.  Wait, I thought, this is supposed to be about you not me!  Go back, we can’t go there. But, again, I communicated my needs poorly.  She was hurt by my actions.

For Daddy’s part, his engineer’s mind took over and he dealt with me swiftly.  I felt so horribly low for making him doubt me and doubt us.  And why? For no other reason than I couldn’t just treat the situation openly like an adult. I learned a hard lesson.  Holding back ultimately hurts more than anything else.  We talked but I still must be ever watchful that I am completely honest for him.  He deserves that from me always.

With the couple, I have no idea if we’ll play again.  Ren said no matter what we’re still friends.  I’m hopeful that’s the case. But she’s hurt and I don’t know how to fix that. Will we play again?  I don’t know.  At the moment, I just want to be in my love cocoon with Mr. D.

Photo courtesy of Sebastian Wiertz through CC 2.0 with Attribution

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Nox

Nox texted me that he had the afternoon free.  If we were going to play it was now.  Immediately, I was a bundle of nerves.  I hadn’t played with him since before Mr. D became my life.  Actually, it had been years.  I’d seen him and Ren many times over those years but it was always platonic.  Over the summer they had game night at their house.  They both teased me then and I played a little grab ass in the kitchen with Nox.  Innocent fun but that’s what started this up again after all.

I have a unique relationship with them as a couple. Ren is incredibly sexual.  Her Cuckquean kink drives a lot of this play.  I mentioned before that one of my favorite parts about playing with them before was my communication with her. She would text me about being horny. Then I would start telling her how hot her husband was and how much I wanted him.  After a while of this back and forth, she’d be so wound up she’d go fuck him silly.  That was the best.  It was like pulling the string on a spinning top. She says I like the power.  Maybe I do but to me it’s a way of serving their dynamic.  It puts me where I love to be, instilling passion and excitement in others.

So, I texted Ren that I was going to have a hot lunch fuck with her husband and I left work to meet him.  Daddy had given me permission to play.  This would be the first time either of us would take advantage of the openness of our relationship. I have always been in monogamous relationships. A big part of my butterflies was this. I didn’t text Daddy that I was playing.  I wanted to tell him in person and I was seeing him the next night.  I didn’t want to be in the middle of play and him feeling whatever he was going to feel from this.  I wanted to share that with him in person.

With both Nox’s partner and mine on my mind, I knocked on his door.  He had said the door would be unlocked, friends don’t have to knock.  But the door was locked.  I was smiling when he opened it. “After all that, I had the door locked?” He smiled a crooked smile.

“Looks like it.” I said, as he pulled me into the kitchen and kissed me.  I kissed him in return and put my arms around him.  I remembered his super soft kisses then.  My eyes opened a moment and I smiled up to him.  I remembered this.  He is a longtime friend now, nothing to feel nervous about.  My hands began to feel his body and after more kissing they drifted down to his crotch.  Surprisingly, his cock was poking out of the front of his sweatpants.  I took ahold of it. I massaged his member and thought of the difference between him and Mr. D.  I thought of how I watched his wife give him head.  She had such a seductive way of giving head, full eye contact. 

He took my other hand and led the way to the bedroom.  He said the usual things you’d expect from a husband, excuse the mess, etc. Once in the bedroom I began taking off my clothing while he had gone back out for a glass of water.  When he returned I was half undressed.  “Good girl.” He said.  I know nudity is his favorite thing.  Once, he made me strip on his doorstep and then knock to come in.  Good times.

He told me to lay on the bed and then he laid completely on top of me, his body pressing me into the mattress.  “Are you cold?” He asked as his hand caressed my hip.

“No, I’m fine.” I replied. I had been cold when I first undressed but I wasn’t now with the body contact.

“Good.  Well, you do have a full man blanket on you.”  We laughed. “My daughter always asks me why I’m so warm.” Men always seem to run warmer than women but I was smiling at the cute pillow talk.  Then he kissed me again and the atmosphere changed.  He moved his hands to my breasts and pinched and rolled my nipples in between his fingers. He pulled them and pinched them harder. I began to pant at the feelings of pleasure and a little pain.  He used his elbow and forearm to pin my neck to the bed while he continued the onslaught. I got wet quickly from his treatment of my breasts and from being pinned down.  He put his hands around my neck and looked into my eyes, “I want to taste you.” You can do whatever you want after that, I thought to myself.

He traveled down my body until he was between my legs.  His fingers pushed up against my sex and slid inside me easily.  “Wet girl, mmm nice.” He said. He began to fuck me with his fingers and eventually after he had me squirming he bent his head to taste me.  His tongue sent me further into abandon. With his fingers still working inside me he bit me on the thigh hard.  That was new.  I was shocked and yet it was erotic.  I kept thinking, that’s going to leave a mark, wonder what Daddy will think about that?

He got me very turned on.  I started moaning.  I thought about how his wife loved to hear the sounds I make.  I wondered if he was taping this for her.

He rose and got on top of me.  He rubbed his cock over my mound several times, teasing. “Our rules are condoms, right?” I nodded, that was what we agreed. “For vaginal and anal sex?”

“Yes.” I replied.  Nox sometimes had difficulty staying hard with me.  We worked through it years before and found that it was a mental block having to do with the perceived cheating of the their kink. Condoms don’t help but that was Daddy’s rule and I was sticking to it. We’d figure it out.  Safety is important.

“I want you to pleasure me now.” He said. So, we traded places and I took him in my mouth.  I used the techniques Daddy taught me and took him in deeply. I pulled him into my throat and worked him slowly as I had been taught.  “Wow, I didn’t remember how good you were.” I had been completely different before.  Daddy has been training me.  I was so proud right then.

Nox told me he wanted to have anal sex with me.  We had done that before many years back. “Turn over.” He said. Then he got up and found a butt plug he has.  It is a small one which is good because Daddy had used me just days before and it had been an intense and thorough reaming.  I was still sore.  I almost begged out of it but I thought I’d let him try. I didn’t want to ruin the fun the first time out.   He played with my ass and lubed the area.  I really was sore but a lot of times the soreness goes away after a bit. He put in the plug then he began to play with my pussy while I was face down.  He kept pushing his fingers inside me until I was so worked up and needy. 

He put on a condom and I knew he was ready to start. He pulled the plug out and pushed himself against my backdoor.  He wasn’t ready enough.  You have to be really hard to get past the sphincter.  I was relieved.  I had been close to calling him off. He had me flip over and stroke him until he was really hard.

He said, “I’m going to fuck you now.” I nodded.  He pushed into me and I raised my legs up. We were face to face.  He talked to me while he fucked me. “I like that you are our friend.  I like that you are safe company in our vanilla life and can hang out with anyone.” All the while he thrust into me. “I like that we can invite you to dinner and I could make some excuse and take you into a room away from the other guests and do dirty things to you.” His words and his movements were making me pant.  “I like that you’re a kinky  girl. I like that we can trust you.”  Then he thrust harder and more swiftly. Shortly he said,”I’m going to come now.” 

He had such control to say it so matter-of-factly and when I said okay he came.  He comes in a really hot way.  He shudders and then he is completely taken away by the shuddering sensations of coming. He comes for a long time.  It is very fun to be a part of that.

Afterwards, we got dressed and spent a little time talking about life and kids.  Then I went back to work.  What a very hot lunch session!

Play Partners

I have written about Mr. D and I choosing to be in an open relationship.  I’ve also written about our play sessions with friends together.  Now, I will tell you about my new play partners. They are actually past play partners that I’ve reconnected with recently.  Ren and Nox introduced me to lifestyle play.  I had set up an account on Fetlife and met Ren at the first munch I had the bravery to attend.  After that munch I went back to my normal vanilla life as a single mom.  

A year later I got an email from Ren asking if I’d like to go out to lunch and meet her boyfriend. I was really excited.  I remembered her from the munch. We had been the first two people there so had talked a lot.  I hadn’t heard from her at all since then so you’d think I’d have my radar up for a reason why she contacted me again after a year but I didn’t.

I met her and her new boyfriend at a diner.  We had a fun lunch talking about kink and what we all wanted in our kinky lives.  I loved it.  It was a taste of a life I really wanted but hadn’t experienced yet. After hugging them both and saying goodbye I walked back to work.  When I was back at my desk I got a text from her.  She asked, “So can we flirt with you now?” Finally, it occurred to me that they had a motive in mind for meeting with me. And that was the start of about a year of exploring a threesome with them.

During that year, we all learned a lot about each other’s kinks, likes, dislikes, jealousies and triggers.  We had an amazing first play session and I got to kiss and touch a woman. She was so soft!  I had no idea women felt like that.  That night I got to finger her to an orgasm while her boyfriend whispered in her ear. We made her come together and that was super hot.

After a while Ren narrowed in on her specific kink.  She got off on having her boyfriend cheat on her with her permission.  She learned that she was a Cuckquean, someone who gets turned on watching their spouse have sex with others.  So, our play changed to me being just with Nox.  I would go to their home or he would come to mine.  Ren would listen in, or sneak back in the house to watch or we would tape our sessions for her to listen.

The best part of our play was the connection she and I had.  She would text me and ask leading questions about her man.  I’d tell her how hot he was and that I couldn’t wait to fuck him.  Then she’d get fired up and go attack him.  It was awesome.  I loved that part.

Nox and I had several very hot sessions. Eventually, it got very hard to deal with all the emotional ups and downs of Ren’s kink.  I was their first play partner and it was hurting her to experience the cheating even though it was consensual and all related to her kink.  This is part of the edge of edge play.  It is only an edge because there is reality at the base of it.  Ren had been cheated on several times in past relationships. Nox had cheated in his first marriage.  It was a lot for me for my first time being a part of someone else’s kink.

Eventually, they found many other play partners and it didn’t feel safe to me, so I moved on.  The nice thing though is that we stayed friends.  I went to their wedding and was there when she got pregnant with their baby.  It’s pretty great.

So now, after many years we are much more relaxed with each other.  We had dinner a couple times during the summer and reconnected.  Ren sang at my mother’s funeral which touched me deeply.

Recently, we started talking about playing again.  I talked with Mr. D about it and he set down rules and approved of me playing with them as long as it was safe and condoms were used.

Granted, this is the first time I would play with someone else. I’ve never been in an open relationship before.  I knew he said okay but how was this going to work?  I realized the only way I’d find out was to do it. 

Open, Poly and Swing

This weekend we stayed with friends. They are friends who Mr. D has played with sexually in his past relationship.  I’ve talked about us opening our relationship in past posts, which we haven’t done yet. We’ve been asked recently by others if we are open yet, so it was in the air as we drove the 6 hours to get to our friends’ place.

I asked Mr. D about his thoughts on how he sees poly, open relationships and swinging.  I wanted to hear what he liked and didn’t about each one. I have only experienced being another couples third.  I have never been in an open relationship myself.  I am not a very jealous person in general.  My impression of myself is that I would be a good candidate for an open relationship but until you are faced with something in actual practice you never know. There have been two times since beginning our relationship that I have felt jealous while watching  Mr. D flirt with someone. So, I know I would have some work to do.  He also has said that he had to get over his own jealousies with his last wife when they were open.  To me, that says that it is a process.  It also shows me that he would be understanding of me getting through that process.

His thoughts were that he would be open to poly and had almost had a third in his last relationship.  I have lived in a house with another woman and my husband.  It was platonic with her but I loved having a sister to share life, chores and cooking together.  It made everything easier. Swinging seems mainly to be casual sexual play with couples and others while together as a couple. I like the fun of that, but in practice, I don’t see it working for me unless I really know the people.  Mr. D agreed that he had trouble getting aroused if he wasn’t in the right mindset or the people were too new.  I told him I was totally comfortable with the thought of playing with the couple we were going to see but the couple that was currently pursuing us back home were not a couple I’d be comfortable playing with sexually.  I have been to a swing club once but the idea of hooking up with random people I’ve never met does nothing for me.  It feels dangerous in a non-safe sex way.  I didn’t see one person there use a condom.  Ewww.  Don’t come near me with that, I saw where it was 5 minutes ago. Shudder. 

The last category is an open relationship.  Now that I recall our conversation, I don’t think we talked about this one as much.  This is when either partner is able to go out and have sex with someone else without their partner being involved. This is what Mr. D had with his last wife. They each had a pass to play.  In theory, I like the freedom of that and if you completely trust your partner, I see it working. I see monogamous relationships where one partner wants less sex than the other and it hurts them both.  A lot of times medical issues make sex hard for one and I don’t think it’s fair that the other partner can’t fill that need elsewhere. I think we would have better marriages and less unhappy people this way.  But I haven’t been there yet so I’ll reserve my opinion.

Our first night with our friends, Mr. D and I and his best friend, I’ll name him El Jefe, stayed up late together.  The four of us had gone to dinner and had some drinks when we came home but then his wife, I’ll name her Goddess, went to bed.  I stopped drinking after that but stayed up to enjoy the boys.  The two of them are like twins.  They are two unique men but can finish each other’s sentences and are in complete sync with each other.  I love watching them riff off each other.

The three of us sat outside on the patio playing music. For a while the boys traded picking the songs then they let me in on the action.  They drank and we played music until 2:30 in the morning.  It was incredible fun.  We’d get a good song and the boys would start chair dancing and singing to me, I was enraptured.  El Jefe started taking shots off the bottle of rum.  Between them, with a little help from me, they finished a whole handle of rum.  These boys can drink! I saw Mr. D slowing down on drinking but El Jefe was having none of that.  He poured a shot for Mr. D.  “Have a shot Brother.”

“I want to be able to take care of my girl tonight after we’re done. I’m good,” says Mr. D.  

“I know you’re good but take a shot!” El Jefe was having none of this slowing down crap. Mr. D threw back the shot but put his tongue over the glass so it didn’t go down. Another song selection then El Jefe noticed the shot was still in the glass.

“Take a shot Motherfucker!” El Jefe was not to be denied. Mr. D looked at me with ‘what am I going to do about him?’ in his eyes. Then he took the shot.

“Brother, after this next song I’m going  to take my girl into the bedroom and you’re welcome to join us.” Mr. D looked at me judging where I was at with this offer.  I had told him on the drive that I was interested in them so here was my chance. My first thought was that Goddess had already gone to bed and I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt her.  I know they are open but I didn’t know all the details.

As I was thinking, El Jefe was also digesting this and right about then he said, “Well, that’s a very nice offer but I need twenty minutes to…,” then he pointed to the ceiling (indicating his wife upstairs) and made the sign of the cross to mean that he needed to get her blessing. I smiled seeing that.  As drunk as he was he was following their rules. So then it was up to me.

I’d been having some heartburn all evening and I wasn’t sure if 2:30 in the morning was the best time to start a new lifestyle entirely.  So, I hesitated.  “I would feel bad if you woke Goddess up in the middle of the night for this.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time.” He said. I laughed because I could see that was clearly the case.  What a great relationship to have. “Lady’s choice. We don’t push and it’s always your choice.” They both nodded.  That made me smile.

I politely declined.  I want it to happen just not drunk in the middle of the night without Goddess there.  Mr. D and I went to bed soon after that.

We started foreplay and Mr. D was on fire.  Obviously, the talking we were doing with El Jefe and the rum had him turned up a notch.  He told me to get naked and lie on the bed. He proceeded to go down on me so well and for so long that I was climbing the bed and the wall behind it.  By the time he got on top of me I was right up against the wall.  He usually makes sure we’re further down the bed but we were both too far gone to think about it at the time.  He entered me finally and I gushed around him.  There is nothing I wanted more than him inside me right then.  Both our heads were up against the wall as we fucked.  

“Slut, you have us up against this damned wall. It’s your job to keep us lower on the bed but here we are because you can’t keep from squirming away from my tongue.” What could I say?  Guilty as charged, mortified and more turned on now that he was growling at me for this.  Damn, he twists my insides just from the tone in his voice. It drives me wild.

After we made our way down the bed and started again, he began a slow thrust and brought his head down near mine.  “Look at me.” My eyes fluttered open, still lost in the sensations of him thrusting inside me. I looked up into his eyes.  He looked fierce and had that look of intensity he gets when he feels passionately about what is on his mind. “I will never bring someone else into this,” he gestured to show he meant into our relationship, “that I don’t feel is completely worthy. Do you understand?” I nodded and my heart melted.

Threesomes, Poly and Others

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The topic of having others join us in bed or in life has come up in talks between myself and Mr. D. a few times now. When we first starting dating we talked about our past experiences.  After my marriage ended I had an experience with a couple.  It was hot and torrid and so enlightening for me.  I’ll give you the scintillating details of that experience sometime but for now just know that I have that one experience.  It was many sessions over the course of about a year.  I am still friends with them and the possibility of play this couple could be something we want to explore.  Mr. D, on the other hand, was in an open marriage.  He and his wife both played with others separately…I’m not sure if they played with others together but I know they both had their own lovers.

When, he and I first starting dating, we moved lightning fast. I think it was our second date, before we even had sex, that Mr. D sat me down and told me about his past open relationships and that he wanted us to start out monogamous.  He said that he wanted us to know each other, to work on our new relationship, and to learn about each other before the possibility of others entered the scene.  I was relieved and agreed wholeheartedly.

Since then, we have grown together and our relationship has grown. Still, I don’t know if I want to let anyone else in.  As I’ve grown closer to Mr. D and know beyond any doubt that I am his and he is mine, I don’t want to share.  Part of me wants to be selfish and keep him all to myself.  The little girl in me wants to keep my new toy and not share.  “Mine, mine, mine, mine mine!”

However. There are a couple ‘howevers’ I’ll share.  The first is that Mr. D is part of a community in which Poly relationships or at least sharing is part and parcel of their lifestyle.  At Christmas, we’ll be seeing these lovely folks and there’s at least one woman who is very interested in playing with my man again and probably playing with me too.  I love that he is wanted.  I love that I would be wanted, too.  But do I want this lifestyle?  And if I don’t, is it fair to ask my man to leave the lifestyle he’s used to?  I am not that type of woman.  I’m a submissive.  I serve, I don’t demand.  I also want to add to his life not close it down or take away from it.

The other ‘however’ is that when I think about having others in our bed, I can’t help but visualize this scenario in fantasy. I come home from work, I’m tired but I know he’s waiting for me.  I know I will feel his love and be in his arms.  I smile and walk in the door.  He greets me and says, put your things in our room.  I know I must greet him in proper protocol in the bedroom so I go there and kneel by the bed, hands behind my back, thighs wide apart, and eyes to the ground before me.  I think of my posture and make sure I am pleasing to him.  He comes in the room, I feel my heart race…it always does around him.  Then, he puts a finger under my chin. I look up and see him standing there with a woman on his arm.

Before I can say anything, he opens his pants and pulls out his cock. He looks at me and says in his firm voice, “I want her to watch my good little slut do her job.”  I suck him into my mouth, I do the best damned job I have ever done sucking him…I’m being watched by another woman.  I peek at her as I’m sucking him.  She’s gorgeous.  She reaches down and caresses my cheek, feeling his girth pushing in and out.  I have barely started typing this scenario and I’m wet and squirming in my chair!  Hot, hot, hot.

The crux of the matter is I’d love to serve him this way. As long as he demands it, commands it, or wants it, then it fulfills a deep visceral need in me to be his little slut, his girl, his everything.  His expectation of my acquiescence would be all that it would take for me.  The jealous little thoughts that flit around in my head when I’m thinking of him being with someone else are inconsequential compared to the need to serve him and my need for his pleasure.

Image from Wikipedia Commons used under Public Domain by Théodore Gericault.