Rudderless

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The Gulf Stream – Winslow Homer

From Mr. D.  He wrote this but chose not to post it because he wouldn’t impugn me.  He is a good man.  We are in a much, much better place today than two weeks ago.  I post this to remind me and to show all the raw hardness of life.  I learn and move forward.  I stand before him naked and bare.  I will not flinch, I will be better and do better.

Rudderless:

I am in pain. I am fighting within my soul for the sanctity of my being. I love a creature that is caring, epitomizes my desires in ethereal form, and is divine in her capacity to fuse my dreams with reality. Yet, she cannot follow the one tenet I require. Honestly communicate with me.
I will rise to any occasion. I will champion that which doesn’t deserve it. I will support the underdog and provide for all if they just treat me with honest respect… Never lie to me. Never tell me a half-truth. Never protect me from your feelings – if something or someone else touches your soul – amen. That doesn’t detract from us. It is separate and beautiful in its own right. Just be honest. Love is the answer not the question.

 

I placed myself in her life behind her son and her well-being. In so many instances I needed her and did not ask so as not to impart stress or force a choice between her or her son’s needs and myself. I would bide my time and when she was free; we would explode in light and love. Planning for when he was grown we would continue to grow without limits. I never acted in anger, fear, spite, or malice. I want peace in my life and a loving meaningful and explorative kinky love that allows personal growth for all.

 

I am unhinged, off the wagon, and in my darkest place. I am intoxicated and wallowing in self-pity. Feeling inadequate and self-abhorrent because I could not fill the void – I could not meet her need and demanded more than she could give. Her life before me was rife with stress due to a partner that was raging, chemical dependent, and volatile… a son that is at once empathetic, compassionate, and loving and fully ADHD. She bears the scars and walks upright as a survivor. I am awed by her. I love her. I love what we have and yet my trust is shaken. I am wholly unnerved and lost in doubt.

 

I know not what to do and feel adrift at sea… oarless. rudderless. at the mercy of fate.

Image available through Public Domain – Winslow Homer, Metropolitan Museum of Art

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Spaced Out

 Saturday something happened. Something I couldn’t control. Something that spun me. I’ll tell you about it.

After our picnic on the couch, we were relaxing and enjoying the house.  We planned to leave for our shuttle in about a half hour so we had a little time though not really enough to fully play.

We talked a little about the sex shop we had visited on the way up. While at the sex shop we had looked at collars.  He had said he wasn’t sure about putting one on me because it would inhibit his access to that dangerous spot on my neck that he uses to torment me. He held up a collar to my neck as an example and bit me there unexpectedly.  It startled me, more than I’d like to admit. 

Now again, on the couch, he decided to torment me. He kissed me fervently then he put a finger under my chin to force it up so that I extended my neck.  I felt vulnerable and exposed. I knew what was coming. My breathing immediately increased pace.  He leaned in and started to go for that part of my neck. I pulled back. I couldn’t stop from doing it.  He gripped the back of my head curling his fingers in my hair to stop me. Now he had me trapped and continued his torment on my neck.  His lips touched that spot and I couldn’t pull away so my hand came up to hold him back and he slapped it away.  He was going to have what he wanted.  Without knowing it, at this point I’m pretty sure I subbed out.  It’s only happened once before this strongly and it was a very similar situation. It seems to happen when he is absolute in his command. My world narrowed until he was my whole existence.  He was my link to survival because he had utterly complete control. I was thrown into a trance-like state. 

He ordered me onto the chaise lounge on my back.  I sat at the corner as directed and leaned back.  He pushed my knees to my chest and entered me while standing. In this position, he fucked me so deeply.  He touched depths I’m pretty sure have never been touched.  It was wicked good.  Strangely, while I’m in this trance state and he’s fucking me it comes to me that our time is limited and I realize he’s about to stop.  

As he rose and said the same thing that was on my mind, it felt like the world imploded in on me.  I was suddenly and inexplicably tossed adrift in space as if my tether had been cut. He was standing over me asking me if I was okay but I was so many atmospheres away I had trouble responding. I know I automatically said, “Yes, I’m okay.” But I honestly had no idea.  My response was just a reflex because I’m trained to respond to him and I never want him to worry.

I knew I had to find myself and my way back fast because I was about to ruin our plans and the night I had arranged. I stood bolt upright to go to the bathroom and sat right back down when I couldn’t balance myself. He caught me and was talking at me. I was trying to respond and not lose it at the same time. I heard him joke and laugh but I wasn’t mentally there yet.  

Finally I made it to the bathroom and pieced myself back together.  We did make it to the concert, I did snap out of sub space somehow…pure force of will because I had to. I don’t advise this method to anyone.

I felt trapped by the circumstances but I should have said, “No, I’m really not okay,” and let my Dominant take proper care of me. Some lessons are hard.  Asking for help…not my strong suit.

Image by Sadisuto and used under CC License 3.0 with attribution and found here: http://sadisuto.deviantart.com/art/Yandere-Trance-Catherine-339979050