Good Morning

I know, I have been gone a loooong time. Vanilla life has taken over. Mr. D and I are both so busy with work and I’m now homeschooling my son. It doesn’t make for a hot bed of scintillating storytelling.

He and I both miss it. We need a way back to having time for us. I know it can be done, I’m just not sure of the steps yet. I feel like using AA slogans. One day at a time. Fake it ’til you make it. Is a lagging D/s dynamic an appropriate life issue to quote AA? Doubtful.

We did have a couple sessions when we went on a weekender to say goodbye to Frenchie. I got spankings for my birthday. Mr. D made me count by 7’s to get my total spankings. I’ll let you decide what age is divisible by seven. Ha!

Mr. D has been making a case for me to carry my new floggers and my old ones, one pair he bought me and one pair he made for me. I think about practicing with them and using them on some willing victim. Yes, I’m submissive but I think with practice I could ride the middle line a bit. A little switching in my future? Yes, maybe so.

For all this, time will tell.

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One Day – Today

I am headed back to work today from checking on my son and running a couple errands.  The life of a mom and wife is one of many small things. My son is going through a very hard time with school.  Dialing him in to this new phase of his life is proving challenging for me.  I worry about him and am doing all I can to get him back to being successful and fulfilled.

Alternatively, Daddy and I are doing well at having our lives merged back together.  We’re running errands together, doing projects on the weekends, and I do my best to cook dinner or plan dinner most nights. Daddy helps by smoking or BBQing meat on the weekend.  Adding a roommate and my son to our joined lives has taken a toll on our sex life but I think the married life part is working well.

My work and Daddy’s work have both ramped up in the last several months.  He has finished up his last position (mostly) and is moving into his new one. He is sometimes buried, sometimes stressed and sometimes elated at how they are receiving him and acknowledging his work.  Generally, he is taking it all in stride and I’m doing my best to support him as I can.

I may take a new job.  It would be more pay, but I love what I do and where I do it.  It concerns me to move positions when my son is going through issues. We’ll see.

The lifestyle…well, it will come back.  God, I hope it will.  I have faith, mainly because I want it so badly and I know Daddy does too.  It binds us together.  It draws the best from us.  It lights us on fire.

Patience girl, patience.

Lifestyle Characters

As we move around in this lifestyle Mr. D and I have taken on many personae. Purists would shun our behavior, I have no doubt.  

In exploring our interests and one another we’ve each tried on a few different characters. They all fall on our own distinct side of the slash but they each relate to the others differently. Mr. D is and always will be dominant. There is no changing that immutable fact. No matter what persona he dons it is decidedly in the lead.  

I am always and primarily submissive. There is no changing that part of who I am. It is a permanent part of me.  

As we began to explore, Mr. D loved the Daddy/baby girl dynamic. I had never experienced it before. I understood it and was willing to try. I knew a baby girl was submissive so felt I could take this on. Fast forward a few years and I truly enjoy being a baby girl. 

The Daddy role suits Mr. D perfectly. He is always watchful and taking care of me. Even when he’s the one to hurt me he’s the first to make sure I’m okay. Even when we have plain vanilla sex he makes sure I’m ok afterwards.  I love being his baby girl.  I love how he considers me in all he does, how he plans ahead, and how me protects me. It took putting me into a vulnerable baby girl mindset to open me as deeply as he has. I trust him more than I’ve trusted anyone with my heart and my body. 

As we have grown in our dynamic Mr. D has asked me about the desires in my submissive heart. I’ve told him of my secret dream of being slave or kajira. I crave the intensity and the full immersion of that role. Something about me wants the ultimate test. I want to be his prized possession, his greatest asset. I want to be owned by him. I ache to serve and relinquish all of myself to him. It is not easy. In fact it can be very hard and for some reason I crave that. The more stern he is and the more demanding, the faster I slip into subspace. Why? We’ve explored that too. No matter the why, the reason it works is because it is a release and a challenge for me. In those moments of deep service all else disappears, all that remains is his desire. That pinpoint of darkness, that razor’s edge of focus is my happy place. In those moments I feel like we merge into one whole.

Before I left home on Friday to come see him, Mr. D texted me that Stern Master would be taking control this visit. He told me to be ready. He said he had been too lenient for far too long. “Be ready,” his text said. I knew what that meant. Daddy would be put away and a more rigid and controlling personality would take his place. Stern Master doesn’t let me get away with anything. He wants and he takes. He does not protect as Daddy does, he expects service and expects it with no excuses. 

Is this Mr. D’s natural personality? Yes and no. It is not the primary one. His primary is Daddy. In his most relaxed and most comfortable, he is Daddy. When his darkness takes over, he is Master. Does this mean Master is any less him? No. Less comfortable perhaps but no less him. 

My baby girl, submissive, slave, slut and whore all serve him. No matter the name, no matter the inflection of voice, when he calls, I answer. When he commands, I obey. 

Moving In

Mr. D and I are moving in together.  He is packing up his place and I am cleaning out everything I don’t absolutely need.  I’m excited, nervous, and completely relaxed about it all at once.  Excited to have him with me all the time.  Nervous about my son getting used to sharing me and having Mr. D in the house. And completely relaxed because I know Daddy and I blend well together.  That part is no problem at all.  

So, as usual, I’ll take this one day at a time and one moment at a time. How am I going to keep my hands off Mr. D during family time?  How are we going to have our normal, rather noisy, variety of sex with a teenager in the next room?  Will we be able to have vanilla family time then switch gears to BDSM easily or not? Where are we gong to hide all the kinky toys and what do I tell my son the spanking bench is for?  Oh yes, this will definitely be interesting.  Not dull by any means.

Service

Mr. D has always written to me. Sometimes I’ve shared his writings here and sometimes not.  The unshared were more private writings. Recently, he began writing on his page here.  I’m sharing his post today because it touched me deeply but also as an introduction.

I hope you stop by his page to say hello or read.  Kindly, Amor

SERVICE

Service isn’t demeaning 

That goes for all servers

Socially people look down on servers 

A nameless hostess 

Accountable but snubbed 

Walked on 

Walked out on 

And treated poorly 

That’s in the vanilla world 

In our world they bear the brunt too 

They carry our marks and our secrets 

Our fears and mistakes 

They suffer in […]

https://misterdougtoyou.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/service/

The Foundation of my Submission

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After Mr. D wrote to me about his thoughts on being submissive, I thought I would try to put it into words myself.  I have thought about my own choice to submit and it takes me back to my history and my past.  I had a very needy mother.  She is and was a wonderfully giving person.  I love her dearly but I can still admit to her faults without it being hurtful.  When my father cheated on her and left her with two young children to raise, she was lost.  She pulled up her big girl pants and raised us but she wasn’t a strong person.  I was her helper.  I was her shoulder.  I filled in the cracks for her wherever and whenever needed.  You are part of a family and as a child you are at first coerced by talk of duty and family then at some point you drink the Koolaid and become what is asked of you.  As I became a teenager, I was angry with my mother for being the way she was…for needing me the way she did.  But I love her deeply and through many years of perspective I realize she just didn’t have the ability to do or be more than she did.

In the end, I was raised to be someone who helped others.  I was raised to be the ‘good girl’ and to put others before myself, always.  I learned that lesson so well that when I found a man who desperately needed me I thought, perfect, this works for me.  At a young age, we really have no idea why someone’s need calls to us.  In my case, I fulfilled the need as best I could but in the end, alcoholism won over.  During the spiral of my husband’s addiction, I was the one who was desperate.  I had to find out why I allowed this, why I was the way I was.

Fortunately, a friend led me to the D/s lifestyle.  In the lifestyle, the power play between the giver and the receiver is out in the open…spoken and negotiated.  No longer is there this unspoken, underlying power struggle that will take over my life.  If the need is out in the open and so is the willingness to fill the need, then there is no resentment, no sense of being abused and used.

Ultimately, as Mr. D said in his poem, there is control and strength in giving someone else your service as a submissive.  For me, service is the key part.  I serve others.  My mental make-up, carved out at a young age, is to serve others.  I find myself doing it whether I initially want to or not.  Just sit down in front of me while I’m watching TV.  I’ll be massaging your neck and shoulders for 15 minutes before I even notice I’m doing it.  I know now that I will give up everything I may want for myself and instead focus that energy on someone else.  It has taken me a lot of Alanon to learn that I am important and that I cannot serve others well by doing everything for them.  That just continues the disease if I’m serving an addictive person.  So, now, I choose to negotiate my service as a submissive within the lifestyle of D/s or BDSM or the Kinky Lifestyle, however you like to think of it.  My choice to be in this lifestyle has everything to do with my past and is a level of control I keep over my future.  No longer will I serve in an unhealthy manner.

Mr. D and I have negotiated our roles in this lifestyle and in our relationship.  Right now, we are new to each other, but we have a start on how his Domination works with my submission.  We are learning each other.  We have shared with each other our likes and some dislikes.  Some things we are testing.  I can feel him testing my boundaries and each time he reaches my edges and corners I feel it and I see him take note.  He is so intelligent, I feel like he is always many steps ahead of me in this but I trust where he is leading us.  I know he has my best interests at heart.  In everyday life, I’m an executive.  I’m used to being in control at work.  But in my personal relationships, it is different.  I choose to serve by being feminine, by giving pleasure, by being what my mate wishes as his companion.  When I’m fulfilling that role and pushing my boundaries at the same time, I’m in heaven.kolar

I feel very blessed to have grown enough to be at peace with how I was raised, who I am now and what I want in life.  For years, I felt like I was weak and desperately tried to change myself.  It is amazing what happens when you accept who you are and learn to live in your own skin.  I’m still a work in progress.  I admit to being powerless on a daily basis still.  But I feel so much stronger now.  I know it is okay to be soft, to bend to another’s will and to serve.  I am happy again to please another and feel the sun of his smile when I have done well.