Tag: Hot

The Bathroom Door

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Master, Mr. D, TrainingLeave a comment

I arrived at Mr. D’s home and said hello to our friends on the way to his room. As a walked in his door, I knew something was up. Daddy was waiting for me at the foot of his bed.

“Drop your things by the door and take your clothes off right there.” I watched him carefully as I dropped my bags, closed the door and began to take off my clothes. Fortunately, I had something loose on for him so it was fairly easy to do. “Put this on and face the bathroom door.” He handed me the leather blindfold.

I put on the blindfold and stood in front of the closed bathroom door, nervous. His dominance was palpable. I wondered what I had done wrong or if he was simply feeling the darkness. “Arms up and hands on the door.” I obeyed and put my hands up on the door. “Legs spread.” I spread them and immediately felt his hand on my hip. His touch drifted around my thigh and up to my sex. His other hand gripped my hair and pulled my head back to his mouth. His lips burned a trail along my neck.

“Who are you?” He asked, his baritone rumbling through my body down to my toes.

“I’m your slut, Daddy.”
He whipped me with his small rubber whip. It is a small but deviously stingy device.

“That’s right, you are.” His hand tormented my sex again awakening my desire. “To whom do you belong?”

“You, Daddy.” I was panting. Talking was becoming decidedly more difficult as my mind slipped away under the power of his control. He spanked my ass in quick succession, one side then the other.

“Did you do your homework slut?” Think rabbit, think. Yes! Thank God, I did!

“Yes, Daddy. I did.” He paused. I wondered then if he expected me to fail. He must have. I was so happy I hadn’t failed him but damned if I didn’t ache for the punishment. Why did I do as told?

“You masturbated for me all three nights?” I nodded. Okay, maybe one night I had fallen asleep but I woke up in the early morning and finished. Hopefully, that counts. Three times is three times, dang it.

“Yes, Daddy.”

“And you used the pink plug one of the times?” 

“Yes Daddy, I used the pink plug.”

He hesitated, “Good girl.” I exhaled my relief. I can’t be a bad girl all the time, can I? If I never finish my tasks he’ll stop giving me any to do. “Kneel for me.”
I turned from the door and knelt in my place for him. My eyes drifted downward, my hands behind my back. I try to keep my eyes down but I always end up looking at him. I wonder at times if he wants my eyes downcast or not. I try. He approached me and leaned over until his face was near mine.

“What do you want slut?” What do I want? My mind was a blank. I wanted to serve him. I wanted to be whatever he wanted. But what do I want? I didn’t know how to answer. I was drifting in the sub realm and talking gets harder for me there.

His lips tormented my neck and his fingers tipped my head back. He knows how vulnerable this makes me feel. He does it on purpose. “I want to bite it.” I moaned and turned my head away to move his lips to the side of my neck. “Don’t you turn away from me.” The torment continued. 

“What do you want?”

“I want you Daddy.” Well, okay, that’s a given. I shook my head mentally at myself. He had me so wound up and off balance with the neck torture I couldn’t think straight.

“You have me baby girl. What do YOU want?” He was pushing me now.

“I want to suck your cock.” It was, after all, right there in front of me. His body was pressed up against mine so hard that I was being pushed backwards. It was all I could do to keep rigid and not fall over from the pressure.

“You do?” He paused, perhaps waiting to see if I came up with something more brilliant. My brilliance was in short supply. 

“Well, then, suck.” He leaned back and thrust his cock at me. I caught it in my lips as my hands were still cupped behind me. I sucked him into my mouth, moistening it as I pulled it deeper inside. I lavished my attentions on his member. I kept taking him deeper and deeper until his head was pushing deep into my throat. “Oh God, baby.” He moaned. That definitely told me I was doing well. It makes me so incredibly happy when I do something so right that he speaks out like that. I pulled back and tried again. Each time I took him a little more deeply. Finally, he grabbed the back of my head and held himself in my throat until I didn’t know if I could hold it any longer. Finally, he released me and I coughed from the need to breath.

At this point, I’ll be completely honest; I have too many options in my mind to continue the story. I remember him using rope one evening. Was it this evening? I’m not sure but I think so. What I do remember with blinding clarity is that Daddy used a different tactic with me on this night. Instead of allowing me to be my usual self or trying to get me to be verbal of my own accord…which does happen when he spins me up enough, he tried something different. He kept asking me questions. He verbally led me to talk dirty to him while he was taking me. In each position, at each pause, he asked me to describe what he was doing and how he was doing it. That was so hot. I never felt hung out on my own wondering if I made any sense. I just followed his lead and we verbally made love. I loved it.  

Orgasm Training

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Daddy, His, Intensity, Orgasm8 Comments

Daddy put me in his big chair legs spread wide. He took the Hitachi out.  That damned torture device that he bought to work on my orgasms.  It is so very intense.  The vibration is so very intense.  Did I say it was intense? Damn, well it is.  He made me put my arms above my head.  I wasn’t allowed to touch him.  He knows how much that gets to me.  There is some visceral drugged feeling I get from touching him.  I need to feel his body under my hands.  I need to feel the soft fur and the hard muscle.  I need to feel his unique maleness.  I love that I can touch him in whatever way he allows…until he doesn’t allow me.  Then it drives me insane just the way he wants.

With my fingers laced together on top of my head, I leaned back in his chair with my legs over the arm rests. His fingers pushed inside me while he had the Hitachi turned on low placed on my clit.  The intense vibrations began to do their work.  His fingers began to fuck me slowly.  I moaned as my eyes met his.  Mine begged him silently to let me touch him.  He chuckled and shook his head.

“Poor little tortured girl. Daddy isn’t nice to you, is he?”

“No, Daddy, you aren’t.” I smiled beside myself…in spite of myself. He brings out the pouty little girl in me something fierce.  God, how I love to be that girl with him.  It ramps up the fervor of our play to a different pitch.  Mmm, I love that.

The vibrations were lifting the passion from me, making my body respond quickly. I had no control.  My usual hesitation or my mind’s reticence to let go were thrown out the window.  My control was relinquished to him.  His fingers fucked me harder and just when I felt my body responding and a rhythm coursing through me, he turned up the speed on the Hitachi.

“No! Oh please no Daddy.  No…no more, not that.” Why do I beg?  I beg for it to stop but my body is responding.  My orgasm is imminent.  He is ripping it right out of me.  I want it.  I want to give it to him but still I beg.  “Oh God, no Daddy…I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” I pant and pant and the orgasm is ripped from me by him and by that tormenting machine.

“That’s good baby girl. You did very well. I could feel your muscles grab my fingers inside you.  That was really nice.” He turns off the machine and holds me for a moment.  This is the second or third time he’s gotten me to orgasm this way.  The Hitachi is a horribly effective machine for this training he is doing.  He’s slowly retraining me and my body to respond to him. “Get on your back on the bed.”

With my body still vibrating on its own, I got on the bed on my back. My ass was on the edge of the bed, my legs hanging off as he wanted.  He lifted them and held my thighs while he leaned down and tasted my juices.  I heard happy noises as he licked me.  I was so hyper-sensitive that when his tongue touched my clit I nearly jumped off the bed.  I had no idea he’d go there again so soon.  I squirmed and tried to stay still but it was so, so sensitive.  So, I held my breath and did everything I could not to fight it.  Soon my body began to respond again.  His tongue was flicking back and forth on my clit bringing me close to the edge again.

He rose up and pushed his cock inside me. As he fucked me he reached around and grabbed the Hitachi again.  My eyes were completely round orbs at the sight of it.  No, no, no my mind railed but I said nothing.  I knew it was hopeless to complain or beg at that point.  He was going to have what he wanted.  He fit the machine between us and turned it on.  He resumed fucking me while the evil machine worked its relentless magic.

My body responded faster this time. He had me primed, he was fucking me which I love so much and the vibrations kept on coming.  Ever so quickly I felt my body rise, the sensations peak.  I felt the orgasm come on and finally crash upon me.  “I’m cumming Daddy! I’m cumming.”

“Mmm, I know baby doll. I know.”

That was the first time I’ve ever cum with someone inside me. I’m so fortunate to have such an imaginative and persistent lover.  He told me we’d figure it out and he was relentless in finding different ways work the problem.  He made it part of our play and tormented me with it and in the end he found a way to begin to break down my barriers.  I’m incredibly blessed to be His.

Raw

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Carnal, Daddy, Dominance, Intensity, Mr. D3 Comments

I arrived at Mr. D’s wearing a short sun dress.  I loved the feel of it.  It was so thin it felt like I was wearing nothing. The material crisscrossed over my bosom but I’m more full figured than I suspect the designer intended.  My ample breasts popped out of the material just perfectly for Mr. D to see.  

I walked in the door right after he arrived home.  He was still putting groceries away.  In the kitchen, “Hi Honey,” I said softly. 

He turned and his eyes molested every inch of me before a “damn” slipped from his lips.  His hand touched my hip and I turned for him to see the back too.  His hand ran up the back of the skirt lifting the hem is it rose.  His fingers found my ass and he caressed my plump rear as his eyes ogled my black thong and the lack of any other material in his way.

After groceries were done and I poured Mr. D a drink, I followed him to his room.  He sat in his big chair and I knelt between his legs as I do to greet and honor him.  We talked while he relaxed and let the day fall away. He told me of the projects he is working on as I stroked his body and filled my need to touch him.

After a little while of this, I got up and sat on the edge of the bed mainly because my feet were asleep but also to give Mr. D room to move.  It’s a pretty tight fit, me on the floor between him in his chair and the bed. He stood up and flipped me back on the bed as he lifted my legs up and back towards me.  This hiked up my dress until he had my thonged crotch free for the viewing.  “Are you still dirty?” He asked.

“Just a little.” It was several days into my period which was almost over but not quite yet. Regardless, he knelt on the floor and put his lips to my pussy. Pulling back the lacy thong, he wrapped his lips immediately around my clit.  The intensity of going from innocuous chatting to having him suckling my clit was tumultuous.  The pleasure he gives is focused and riotous.  My body bucks under his tongue, my legs shake and I pant like a dog in heat.  After a few moments of this, he rose and pressed his body down into the V of my legs.  My ankles dug into his sides and his cock was pressing through his briefs into my sex. I moaned aloud. “Yes, that’s Daddy’s cock you feel.” He ground into me more. “You want it, don’t you?”

“Yes Daddy.” I whimpered.  His sucking and now rubbing between my legs was driving me wild and he knew it. It was fast though, no real time for me to get wet yet.  He stood up and dropped his underwear.  Leaning back on me just as quickly, his cock was now poised at my entrance.  He pushed into me hard and sure enough it was a tight push without much moisture. 

“If you want me bad enough, she’ll let me in.  We’ll just see.” He continued to push inside me.  It was like squeezing thick thighs into tight pantyhose at first.  He pushed inside until he was buried in me.  But as he pulled on the outward thrust, I felt the pleasure of his friction and a slick of moisture came to my aid.  “You DO want me after all.” 

As he began to fuck me, I looked into his eyes and saw the darkness just below the surface.  The day before, he had sent me a text about seeing a woman with her hand on her neck.  I knew what was on his mind.  “Show me your neck.” Part of my soul sang to hear those words and part of me despaired. The effect of his ministrations on my neck can be very turbulent. Nevertheless, I tilted my head back to show him my neck as commanded. He stroked down from my chin with one finger then grabbed me with a full handed grip.  I struggled to breath, my hand came up to grip his rock hard forearm.  If he really wanted to hurt me, he could easily do so. This is the play of power.  He has my life in his hand.  He chooses to exhibit his power and I acquiesce mine to him.  The pure raw passion of that power flowing between us is visceral and quite real.  His grip is unbreakable, my grasp on reason in this state is untenable.  

“What are you?” His grip lightened imperceptibly so I could answer.

“Your slut.” I squeaked out. “Your slut Daddy.” My words flourished as I found my voice for him. 

“That’s right.” His fingers gripped hard once more cutting off my air.  I struggled against him until he loosened his grip just the tiniest bit so I could breath.  His other hand pulled my breasts out of the front of my dress by the nipples.  I whimpered not from pain but because I had a feeling what was coming.

He fucked me harder then.  The angle of my hips had me spread wide for him.  My heels pressed into the sides of his ass.  He plowed into me from an angle that plundered me senseless.  I gripped his cock hard with my inner muscles so he wouldn’t bounce quite as hard into the depths of my sex.  The look on his face as he fucked me and hurt me was fierce.  He was fully engulfed by the darkness.  It lay upon him like a blanket. 

He took his hand from my throat and grabbed each bouncing nipple in his hands.  He tweaked them simultaneously until the pain was rising past my limit.  I whimpered and begged.  “Daddy, Daddy, oh Daddy.” He knew. 

“That’s my name Baby Girl.” While he was talking, he slowed the fucking and let go of my nipples thank God. “What is it? What do you want?” His words dripped sweetness.  I knew better.  It was a trap to be sure.  I wasn’t giving in that easily.  He wanted me to beg and I just couldn’t.

“More Daddy.” I held my breath even as I said it.  That was the last thing I wanted. He knew the lie even as the words fell on the bed around me.

“Oh, ho ho.  Really.  That’s what you come up with? That’s rich. Okay then.” With that he proceeded to grab my nipples again and twist them even harder.  He pulled them away from my body and fucked me with abandon as he watched me wince and struggle to not cry out in agony. I was so close to calling my safe word.  The pain was unbelievable. 

He let go of my nipples and slapped my inner thighs hard.  “How dare you give me those lies with your looks when your so wet down there.” My body is a complete traitor.  As much as I run from the pain he gives, my body responds a thousandfold.

He leaned over then and acid dripped as he said, “If I want my hands on your throat they will be, if I want fuck you, I will. And you will say thank you.  Do you understand?” I nodded my head vigorously. Then his voice dropped and he growled as he tweaked my nipples once more and said, “And if I want to rip these completely off of you, what will you say?” 

I cried out, “Thank you Daddy.” I could barely breath at that point, I was so afraid of displeasing him.  

“That’s right.” He let go of me and pulled out. “Now go get a towel and clean us up. It’s been a while that we have only played softly and Daddy needed to let the beast out.”

Masturbation – Part II

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Exploration, Mr. D, Orgasm10 Comments

Mr. D switched places with me on the bed. I got between his legs and wrapped my lips around his cock. He was already hard from watching me and that made me smile. I licked and sucked him while he chose a video he wanted to watch. I love giving him head so much. The taste of him, the feel of him and the caress of his member on my lips and tongue get me so turned on. 
I really need to have a hair clip near the bed because I end up all up in his crotch surrounded by my hair. It gets in my way and I have to stop occasionally to move it. Girl problems, I know, but it stops my rhythm and I see that as not helping him build to a crescendo. 
He started watching a really hot video about a woman who ends up being coerced by a taxi driver. Mr. D loves consensual non-consent situations. I could see the video out of the corner of my eye when I chose to watch. Mostly, I stayed focused on the service I was providing him. Mr. D doesn’t cum while receiving head so I knew at some point he would take over from me. I want to build my skill to where I learn how to make him cum so I did my best to get him as far as possible. This is the third time we’ve done this and I love it so much. I love that he wants me to swallow his seed. I crave the submission of being there for him as he pleasures himself too. It’s incredibly hot.
Once he took over for me, he commanded me to put lube on my fingers and play with his ass. I loved that he gave me instruction to do this. I know he likes ass play but I’m not very familiar with providing it. I find myself hesitating when I think of doing it to him myself. Partly, it’s a logistics issue. How do you give head and push a man’s legs into position? How do you get him into the right position to then lick him there as well? How do you ask someone if they’re all clean today or if this is a good time without it slowing the build up? I know it’s not always a good time for me but I try to be as clean as possible every time because I know he will often go there. I know I’m sounding really green here but, yeah, timidity will do that. I just don’t have the experience so I end up shying away from it and I really want to please him. Any suggestions would be great!
Once I had my hand at his ass I worked my finger inside and began to move it in time with his stroking. The slippery feel of the lube and the smooth sensation of his tunnel were incredible. I could see him getting excited and getting closer. It only seemed to take a couple minutes from when we started this to when he told me to wrap my lips around his head. I felt him cumming and his warm seed filling my mouth. I sucked and gently pulled the length of him in my mouth while he jerked and came more. Slowly I pulled my finger from his ass but he still jerked because he had cum so hard and the sensations were still so strong. I smiled to know I was part of that.

We cuddled afterwards and that was pure bliss.  I am so pleased we shared such intimacy even though we didn’t fuck.  That was much more important to me.

Anniversary

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Flogging, Intensity, Mr. D, Pain4 Comments

Friday afternoon was organized chaos. I was prepared but I had a lot to do before I was ready to leave. I had presents purchased, not wrapped. I had food ready but cookies to bake. I had child in tow but not dropped off yet. I wanted to be on time. I’m really working on not overdoing things and being places exactly when I say I will, especially for Mr. D. I wanted to show him how much I love him and honor him for our first anniversary. Rush, do, rush, pack the car, rush, drop the child and on the road on time….whoop! Awesome!

I was so excited about the plans I made for us to have a picnic and go see a comedian on Saturday. I had every detail planned. I wanted everything to be smooth and relaxed. Big public venues can be stressful so I tried to mitigate that as much as possible.

When I arrived, Mr. D kissed me and said we had dinner plans. He took us to Inka Mama’s for Peruvian food, yummy. Then we came home and had presents. Mr. D gave me my poem and a beautiful Steam Punk corset and flask. It’s my first flask. I’m excited for us to go do something Steam Punk-oriented now that I have all the fun stuff to outfit myself. I gave him a cigar travel carrier with some of his favorite cigars, two canes, and a feather duster. If you recall the conversation at our friends’ about the maid service, this last gift was a little joke on my part. 

Feather duster in hand, Mr. D told me to lie down on the bed. Face down, I felt the duster slide over my curves. It was so soft and erotic, not ticklish at all. Then he said, “I like the handle,” and smacked my butt with it. That smarted! Well, that’s what I get for making jokes with Doms!

Then he took out the cane and used it very lightly on my ass and thighs. He was letting me get used to it. I heard how stingy canes were for so many years, I had a built up scare factor. He went really easy on me for the first time. Then he took his time and caressed my whole body with his hands and gave me a beautiful flogging. I love the skill he uses and the way he builds the flogging pressure over the session. He warmed my whole body with thuddy strikes and then rhythmically peppered me with more stingy hits on my back, ass and thighs. I could honestly have him do this all day. I’m so addicted to that feeling. I always want more.

As I was basking in the sensations of the flogging his fingers began to probe my backside.  “Daddy, can I go to the bathroom?”

“No, not right now.” He pushed his fingers inside my ass until my body responded to him.  He alternated between my pussy and my ass, filling each hole.  It felt more intense because my bladder was full. Then he used the cane to smack back and forth between my thighs.  It surprised me more than anything.  I expect he knew it wouldn’t hurt because there was no wind up on a short little stroke like that.  But when he pummeled my holes with his fingers rapidly, that was different.  The speed and the intensity was astonishing.  Rapid fire fucking by his hands forced me to grab the bed and hold on while my moaning filled the room. The sensation was doubled because I had to pee! Finally he stopped.

His hand gripped my hair and pulled me up off the bed. “You have three minutes, understand? Don’t make me wait.” I took a deep breathe and went. The way he talks to me in those moments just sets me on fire.  Just incinerate me from the feet up!

When I returned he positioned me on my back and mounted me. He looked down at me, looked from my eyes to my breasts. “Hold them up.” I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to push them together and up towards him. I’m to move my fingers out of his way.  And I also know what’s coming.  God, I hate it and I love it. He smacks my tits so hard and it is so stingy. I just want to cry out and plead for him to stop.  This time I didn’t. I just cringed and held my breath.  The smacks came and I whimpered.

“I don’t know how you do that.” He said between thrusts and smacks.

“What Daddy?”

“I hit here and then you flood down there. Every time.”

He hit and thrust and then fucked me so hard and fast it left us both completely breathless.

Interlude

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Intensity, Mr. D, Orgasm, Sex1 Comment

  Our short mid week tryst was the flavor of abandon.  Mr. D positioned me on my back on the bed.  His hands slid up under my ass raising my sex to his mouth.  His tongue flicked across the bridge between my cunt (yes, I used that word) and my ass.  His tongue worked into both my ass and my cunt as I squirmed under his assault.

Meanwhile his hands slid up my thighs.  The caress was electricity with purpose.  Finally he gripped me under the knees and pushed them to my chest.

“Hold them there.” He gave no options.  I was held in an S shape with his mouth cleaved to a very dangerous curve. Sensations washed from his mouth to my sex.  I was spread wide, my body trembling and convulsing continually from each and every stroke of his tongue.

The pleasure that flowed over and through me was all consuming.  My mind was held aloft by wave upon wave of it. My body, strummed by his tongue vibrated under him.

Later, after fucking me, honey dripped from his lips as he said, “I don’t know if you liked it.  I wonder what more I could have done?”

The absurdity of the statement made me laugh outright.  “Absolutely nothing could have been more than that.” I struggled to say enough then gave up and kissed him hard.

That is an unbelievable position…so exposed, so vulnerable, so mmm perfect.

Flogging

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Exploration, FloggingLeave a comment

I’ve asked Mr. D to train me in the art of flogging.  I want to learn how to do that.  Why, you ask, would a submissive want to learn to flog?  Good question, I suppose.  I love touching other people.  I love giving them pleasure.  I feel that any way I can give others pleasure is worth learning, even if it’s a primarily Dominant wielded skill.

I manage people for a living.  I also see that as service.  I offer them a support net that allows them to focus on the capacities that bring success to themselves and their company.

I have thought on this often.  I can find the submissive streak in any discipline.  The qualities of a submissive are valuable in many ways, in many areas. There are certain qualities of character inherent in a submissive personality that are very useful.  To be submissive, you need to learn to put others first.  You need to learn to be compassionate and empathic.  You need to be watchful, to see how you can fulfill another’s needs before they know they had a need in the first place.  It requires patience to put yourself last.  It requires consistency to always desire to serve even when you are tired, downtrodden or feel used.  If you truly take the idea of service to its depths, there is no way to be used.  You have given every ounce of yourself freely.  If you see others joy as the end result and not some reciprocation or kudos for your service then you have attained the goal and that is the fulfillment of it.  Not the need for someone to praise you.

Then again, you can look at Dominance the same way.  To take someone under your wing, protect them and use your dominant skill set to bring out the best in your submissive.  To guide and lead are skills unique to the Dominant and provide ease and comfort and boundaries for those under a Dominant’s care.

Okay, enough character debate, I want to flog sexy women because it’s hot! 😍

I had the opportunity to watch a Dominatrix flog a young man for his birthday.  Afterwards she gave him the most amazing aftercare. She became a submissive and submitted to a Dominant of her own but while she was Domne she had mad skills in flogging.  Watching her was like watching a dance.  She was mesmerizing.  I want to do that.  I also want to give someone the pleasure flogging can give.  Mmm

Okay, that’s it.  My little fantasy goal.

 

10 Minutes

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Mr. D9 Comments

All I want right now is 10 minutes with him.  Okay, actually I want a full evening session of bondage, rope, spankings, dominance and the whole variety of things he’s shown me a hankering for but I’ll take 10 minutes.  Actually, scratch that.  I just want him.  Nothing fancy, nothing extra, just him naked…me naked…and friction.  That’s all I’m asking!  That’s all I want!

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled broadcast. 🙂

Force

On By Enigmatic AmorIn Mr. D, Pain, Submission8 Comments

I read a post today on another submissive’s blog where she talked about being forced up against a wall. Feeling the cold drywall on your face and breasts while his hand grips your hair and his other roams your body, violating you.  Mr. D did this to me, it was divine.  It was so carnal and sent me straight into a gasping tunnel spiraling towards subspace.  

He did it in part because I had sent him an image where the man held his woman just that way so you could see the side of her face, the small of her back arched with her fine ass pushed out against her will…his hand caressing, ready to strike.  I sent it during work, bad girl.  He was burning Dominant fuel by the time I got home to him.

I loved it, I should have expected it but I didn’t.  You never know if your thoughts, pictures, or texts will resonate strongly or mildly.  I was in a sultry teasing mood and this was the fallout.  The thing that has me thinking about this tonight is subspace and how I seem to get there.  It appears to be linked with anger, anxiety, and fear.  So far, it doesn’t seem to be linked as much with pain as I expected. It is completely related to how Mr. D treats me mentally and my reaction to that treatment.

I’m not sure what a mind fuck is but I wonder if this would fall into that category.  Twice I fell hard into subspace.  Both times Mr. D wasn’t mad, angry or even mildly miffed but he was fully present in his Dominant state.  His tone, his demands, his whole persona changed in my eyes.  He became fierce, there was no possible way to deny him.  I may not explain this well but I trusted him and still felt scared.  I was afraid of doing anything against his will or anything not as he demanded.  It became essential to my survival to acquiesce and obey.  At the point of feeling that ultimate Dominance overpower me, I slipped into deep subspace.

So now I know how to get there.  That is important, especially since I want to find that place again.  Since achieving subspace, I think about it often.  The experience is unparalleled.  It’s like being wrapped in a blanket of Him.  Nothing but his words and his presence exists.  It is the most intimate connection I’ve ever experienced.

I wonder, though, can fear be the trigger?  If so, it may not be the only trigger but it is the strongest one for me so far.  I’ve read about others being triggered by pain, by a violet wand, by all sorts of things.  It seems to be quite individual and variable.  

I wonder about my reaction because it may relate to my past and this may be key to some needed healing.  I was in a relationship with someone who had major anger problems.  His anger was so unreasonable, so violent and scary.  When he was drunk it was worse.  I spent several years with a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I walked on eggshells all the time.  It became my way of life to get through the fire.  So, after leaving and starting my life anew, I wonder about wanting to experience similar sensations again. Am I insane to want this?  I wonder how I can go there again even in a safe way.  It’s as if my fear has morphed into my kink somehow.

It’s not something I have any control over so I can’t say I’m doing this to be stronger or face my fears.  I’m not.  If it will help me to let go of the past somehow I think that would be a wonderful side effect.  But honestly, I just want to keep experiencing this with Mr. D.  If the intensity of our connection causes sparks to fly and my past made that happen then I will proudly wear my scars, internal or otherwise.