Starting Again

There’s a saying that goes something like this…never stop starting.  Another is never quit quitting.  We can also go with fake it til you make it.  Regardless which saccharin saying you choose the intention is the same.  Here I am again after a two week hiatus from writing starting again.

When I get stressed I drop all the extra things, all the fun things and tend to come down to a very tunnel vision view of my life.  Do the necessary, do the mandatory but throw off all the extra things.  I know it’s a coping mechanism.  It still sucks. 

Daddy left for Texas again today.  He’ll be there a week and when he returns he arrives with movers.  They will take all his things and some of mine.  There has been lots of talk and planning, lots of worry and stress.  Now we begin the action of it all.  

I’m not promising great waterfalls of words after the drought.  I know writing should be viewed as cathartic and I should use it as a way to vent all the stress but I’m a realist.  I know me.  I stress out, I dive into my cave until the coast is clear. I’m fighting that urge right now.  Tell them the good stuff, ignore the worry and strife. Well, that’s crap and it’s not honest.  If I can’t write the hard truth then I still have a shit ton of work to do in recovery because that’s the way we did it in alcoholic relationships.  Tell everyone life is peachy even when your coaster is about to jump the rails. 

So, that’s where I’m at today.  All is fine on the surface.  All is rumbling with a layer of angst under the shiny surface.  I get up and handle each day.  Most of the time my pragmatic self is in charge and we’re a go.  Once in a while I lose it and cry in the car at a stoplight.  But then the light changes and I shake it off.  

Time to go to work.  Love to my kink family reading this, you know who you are.  Thanks for all the talks and love.  That includes you too Daddy. ❤️

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The Elephant in the Room

I have a confession. I know this isn’t church, it’s a blog. But I have read a lot of blogs from D/s folks recently and I see a trend. I don’t want to be a pie-in-the-sky writer. I won’t be the one telling you everything is ‘amazing’ and spectacular all the time if it isn’t. My goals are to understand my role in this lifestyle, to keep Mr. D informed of all that goes on in my mind (because he wants to know) and also to entertain. I love to write for others because it makes me happy to make people smile or laugh or cry or sigh or ignite with passion. It’s part of the submissiveness that is me. I love sharing the whole range of emotions.

I can’t orgasm with Mr. D. I can’t orgasm with anyone actually. I can come just fine while masturbating by myself but with someone else it seems like I lose focus or I’m focused on them or who knows why. Twenty years in a relationship and I chocked it up to many things back then. Shyness at first, I was a teenager and very shy and conservative. Later when we were older and had problems it was our lack of being connected or his lack of interest in others. My ex was and still is a somewhat self-centered person. So, it was easy enough to pin my problem on that. Sex was good but just not focused on me except for occasionally. It was really easy to hide behind that. Then it became habit. We couldn’t figure it out so we gave up. I gave up because it was horrible being the one who was making our sex difficult. He gave up because I asked him to give up. I thought of it as my problem not his. He was getting off either way so what did it matter?

There is a really big problem with continuing that old line of reasoning, however. It does matter. Also, Mr. D does care. It matters to him and because it matters to him it matters very much to me. Add to that a D/s dynamic with all the varied ways you can control someone through their orgasms…orgasm denial, orgasm control, edge play, etc. and you can see the huge flaw in avoiding this issue. There is so much I’m denying him right now. This is supposed to be about him having control over me not my issues having control over both of us.

I have tried making it a non-issue. I’ve talked with Mr. D about it. It truly does not affect how I feel about our sex. I’ve never had sex like this. The depth of it and the way he gets in my head is more than I could have ever dreamed. It’s everything I had hoped for in every fantasy I’ve ever had about being in a D/s relationship. When I began studying about the lifestyle many years ago, I thought that maybe the intensity of D/s play would be what would kick me out of this problem. So far, it hasn’t. And I see it concerning Mr. D. He’s never been with anyone he couldn’t get over the edge.

This weekend there was a point where we were deep in play and Mr. D was inside my head. I expressed in a previous blog that it felt like he went past walls I didn’t know I had. I see this as hope. I know the longer we’re together the deeper we’ll go and the more he’ll learn how to get into my headspace. I think this is key. But I also think I need to take matters into my own hands, too. I have started to masturbate every day. I have given my habits some thought. Due to my life as a working mom, I have limited time and so my sexual alone time in a regular week has devolved into five minutes of porn on my phone until I get off and then fell asleep. This is no way to fix a problem. I have all but lost my ability to get off on my own. So, I’ve decided to masturbate with no visual assistance and as much as possible. If the problem is in my head then I need to be ‘in there’ as much as possible to figure this out. I can’t just show up to my Mr. D each week and say ‘help poor me with this’. We tried me masturbating in front of him and with him helping but no go. I could have continued forever but my mind kept wandering around in circles…first on him, then on me, then fantasy, then back to him. This is nice, I can do this. Okay, it’s building. I wonder if this turns him on. Oh yes, it does, he’s touching me. Moan for him, he’ll like that. Okay, stop that, this is supposed to be for you. Try fantasizing…okay, there you go…collared on a leash in public….no wait, bent over his spanking bench…no wait, how long have I been doing this he’s got to be bored by now….ugh! What a piece of work I can be left all alone in my own head. Ugh again.

But with Mr. D in charge all that goes out the window. I’m completely singularly focused. I’m intoxicated and addicted…panting and eager to please. He sends me to such dizzying heights of passion, further than I’ve ever gone and completely utterly lost in the moment. So, why don’t I spill over the edge from that dizzying height in the throes of all the passion he inspires? No idea.

For the moment I’m trying daily enforced masturbation. I’ll keep you posted.