Desperation

I am fine.  The title is more a thought I’ve been thinking about rather than actually having.   I have a gnawing ache for Daddy to put me in subspace.  It’s been a very long time.  It was the night we went to see a concert and it happened right before we had to leave.  It was a taste of subspace out of place and at the wrong time.  But then that’s part of it…that I can’t control it.  When he is hard and unrelenting, commanding and mean, I gasp and fear and slide right off into subspace. His dark side takes a vice-like grip of my psyche and they dance, his dark side and my vulnerable little girl.

Daddy leaves today for a week.  Prior to this I was gone for two weeks.  Our play had taken a back seat to life.  I look forward to next weekend.  We’ll have time together.  It may not be D/s time because we have holiday plans but at least it will be us together. I love my time with him no matter what we do.  Just this morning though, my mind was on flying.  My Honey is on a plane and my mind turns to desperate thoughts of flying through the ethers in his control.

Trepidation 

  

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that something is wrong?  I woke up feeling that way. My go to reaction is self blame.  My list of things to do today is not insurmountable, everything on the surface looks fine, but still I feel a heaviness.  

Rather than walk around like I’m beaten before I begin, I need to get off my ass and attack this day.  I’ve been strong in my life but not always proactive.  I’m a hard ass worker but not always in a smart, directed way.  Time for change. 

I’ve been letting the tail wag the dog too much.  Time to get off my ass and make change happen the way I want it.
Image from Pixabay through CC0 Public Domain

Daddy baby girl

I have a fear surrounding the Daddy/baby girl dynamic.  It’s related to the vulnerability I am starting to feel as I open up to Mr. D more.  The deeper we delve into the dynamic the more I feel a connection with my ‘little’.  It is a little disconcerting.

I am only recently a baby girl.  I am a submissive.  There’s no changing that.  It is me, always and unchangeable.  The baby girl part though is new.   I feel it swirling inside me like ink dropped in water.  I won’t ever be the kind of baby girl that plays with glitter and dolls.  It’s just not me.  I am a woman.  A sexual woman from head to toe and this is what I wanted to be from the beginning.  Mr. D and I have a friend who is 24 years old.  He is part of our larger family.  He doesn’t hang out with people his age that I know of.  He hangs out with us.  He is more adult than anyone else his age I’ve met. This was me at that age.  Kids bored me.  Adults had the goods.

The part of the baby girl life that I love is being His.  Being fully under his control and under his protection.  I feel the touch of his care in many ways. He loves me but it goes much farther than that.  I sense his care and his planning in everything he does.  He tries things on me, tests the water, works the puzzle of me from every angle.

The part that has me concerned is that he will succeed at breaking into that vault inside me.  I know it’s there.  I feel it when I start to melt into the baby girl and allow myself to feel little with him.  It’s fear, I know.  I am afraid that if I drop every wall and my little girl comes out all the way that he won’t respect the woman I am any longer.

Basic fears, right? Right.  I know where it comes from.  I remember specifically.  My ex and I had been apart a while.  We broke up and I moved into my own place.  It felt great to be alone and free.  I loved my life. Then we started talking again and starting seeing each other again.  It was different than it had been before. We were not in the same dynamic.  I felt strong, in control. I could see how my control governed our relationship, our dynamic and he was drawn to that. I had the strength of my independence around me like a warm blanket.  Then things progressed and I allowed myself to fall for him again. I allowed myself to need him again.  I remember a specific conversation my ex and I had at that point.  He had disappointment in his voice and said, “What happened to you?  You were so strong when we started seeing each other again and now you’re not. I liked you that way better.”  This was before we got married and I look back and see that moment and know it was part of our downfall.  After that, he had control and I was lost. Eventually I was trapped and couldn’t get out. So, what does this mean to me now?

It doesn’t have the sting it did.  I know I am generally a stronger person now.  I have accepted my submissiveness and know it doesn’t equate to weakness.  I  have also chosen a relationship where the power dynamic is clear.  He has the control and wants it.  As a Daddy, he also wants to protect me and fulfill that role.  Allowing my little girl out to be vulnerable and need his love and protection should be safe and will create a deepening of our dynamic.  Intellectually I see that.  Emotionally, I feel myself melt into him but recently I feel my insides tighten up in fear sometimes.

I need to let go in those moments.  Let go and let my little girl worship his Daddy side in all its glory.  Jump off the cliff without a parachute and have faith that he will still respect me and hold me during that fall towards accepting his power and my submission further.

Mystery vs. Familiarity

When you start a new relationship everything falls under the mystery column.  It is exciting and hot to think of this new person, to wonder what his likes and dislikes are, to wonder how he will feel and what he will do with you in bed.  Each time you see him it is exhilarating and opens new doors to learning about him.  With Mr. D, we moved quickly from new to exploration.  Each time we are together, there is still this sense of exploration.  Though, now, it is in a different way than before.  There is a familiarity that has also grown between us.  Being familiar with someone brings a closeness that wasn’t there during the intense newness.  But it is something on its own, something remarkable in itself.

When I get ready to see Mr. D, I have a routine.  I take care of my child, drop him at his dad’s then I have a little time to prepare.  I bathe and shave all my parts.  I blow dry and style my hair.  I choose something sexy to wear that night to greet him.  My wardrobe has come a long way since I began dating Mr. D.  All my clothes were conservative, business or mom attire.  I rarely dressed up for male attention.  I used to but I have worked in a very conservative field for a long time.  It just wasn’t in my budget to buy clothes I couldn’t wear to work.  Now, though, that has changed.  I have many things that I wear for him.  I have thong panties, lingerie and dresses to wear.  One night, I stopped at a store to make a purchase and I was dressed for Mr. D.  I didn’t know the store well and was in a hurry.  I walked across the aisles to find what I needed.  As I spotted it, I ducked back to the previous aisle just in time to catch a guy craning his neck to watch me walk past.  He did a quick 180 when I caught him.  It made me laugh but also gave me a thrill.  I knew then that I was dressing just right for Mr. D.  It delights me to do so.  This is still part of the mystery.

While we live apart, I still have the ability to surprise him this way.  So, even though we’ve been together over 7 months there are still ways to surprise each other and keep the thrill of that mystery alive.  On the other side of this though, is what comes when you begin to know someone.  There is an ease that comes. You can relax with each other and be yourselves.  Today, Mr. D took me to heights of passion as he does so well.  I will tell you about it soon.  Afterwards, I snuggled him and felt so at peace.  I was thinking about all that he’d said while we were playing.  I trust him completely to take me into the dark and sordid places but also to lead me back.  As he sat in his big chair and I kneeled at his feet I wrapped my arms around his belly and felt love for him pouring out.  His passion drugs me and when that dissipates I feel like putty.  I was feeling completely open and more vulnerable today than before.  I felt so wide open.  I wanted to tell him, I wanted to say something.  I whispered into his skin, “I love you, protect me…please.”

I have been my sole protection for so many years.  I have family.  We all have society that also protects us.  In this day and age, we have little in reality to harm us on a daily basis…except emotionally.  Really, in a 1st World way our loved ones may hurt us more than strangers in a deeply emotional way.  So, I suppose what I was feeling today was a raw openness to him.  I wanted him inside my walls completely.  I know he is beyond any walls I had set up myself for protection.  But today it felt like somehow he had gotten past walls I can’t see or feel myself.  How ever that happened I want it more.  I want to give him all of me.  I want to be completely vulnerable to him.  If I’m honest, it scares the shit out of me, but I want it and I want it with him.

Kicking it up a Notch

Le_Rêve_d'un_flagellant_by_George_TopferI’m going to write this post because I need to process through our session Sunday but I really think it would be more accurate if Mr. D wrote it.  During part of the session, I was adrift.  I felt completely under his control to such an extent that I’m not really sure exactly what happened step-by-step.  I am beginning to see what can be dangerous about being in subspace.  If you are on another planet emotionally, you need to completely trust your Dominant to care for you and know when to push things and when to scale them back.  The more I play with Mr. D the more I see how much I already trust him and the more I feel myself letting go.

Mr. D and I got home from a really nice lunch with a friend.  We relaxed a while then we decided to watch a movie.  While we were watching the movie, Mr. D got out his laptop and said, “Show me the porn you watch.”  I think he wanted to see what got me hot, what I watch if I’m at home and want to masturbate.  I had shown him my all-time favorite scene the day before, a super-hot school girl being confronted by a Professor scene…yummy.  So, with that one used up, I didn’t have many other stellar choices.  I only have a couple go-to scenes.  The first one I picked on this day was very intense.  It was a woman who was a slave of the man who was filming her.  Some parts of it have aspects I don’t like.  The parts I like involve her being verbally dominated by the man and that she gets so worked up she squirts.  Why is squirting hot?  I have no idea, but it is.  This one is hot to me because of how she talks and how she gets herself worked up in that moment.

The second piece of porn was one that is fun.  It starts with two women porn stars talking.  One is interviewing the other.   They talk so matter-of-fact about porn and loving women’s bodies including each other’s.  They are hot, cute and funny all at once.  Then they play with each other…also quite sexy.  While watching this we starting talking.  Partly, I clarified why I liked each film and partly he questioned me about certain likes and dislikes.  He asked about my past with women.  I have very little experience with sex with women.  I still wonder if I am into them or not.  I absolutely love lesbian porn and during hetero porn I usually watch the woman.  I love breasts….watching them bounce, how they look, how they feel.  So, while we were talking Mr. D took my hand and put it on his erection through his pants.

He said, “We watch porn and I’m not aroused but I look at you and I’m hard.”

That’s a comment that’ll make any woman warm to her toes, honestly!  I just love this man.  He makes me so tingly all over with his words and how he looks at me.  I leaned over to kiss him.  Then we began to kiss with earnest passion while my hand still held his erection.  In the back of my mind, though, I was thinking that we’d already had sex several times this weekend and my pussy was sore.  Now, here we were starting up again.  What to do.  This thought bubble was over my head, while we were kissing. Clearly, he noticed me pull back imperceptibly.  He began to suck my tongue deeply into his mouth.  He was clearly having none of my vacillation. He sucked so hard that my tongue was trapped in his mouth and damn it hurt.  I began to breathe harder while I was dealing with the pain of that even in the midst of our passion.

He finally released me and told me to stand in front of him.  I stood and he said, “Take off your clothes.”  I felt love drunk from the kisses and the way he looked at me.  The tone in his voice began to strum a chord deep inside my chest.  I could tell that he meant business.  He was very firm in his manner and command.  He spread his knees to make a free spot on the carpet. “Kneel.”  I knelt between his legs right up against the couch where he sat.

“Hands behind your back.” I laced my fingers together behind my back to make sure my hands stayed there.  Now, here is where my mind gets a little fuzzy.  Subspace does that, I’m learning.  I think he took my hair in his hand and kissed me hard again.  Then, he pushed my face down into his lap so that I would suck his cock.  I love doing that.  I’m still working on getting him in my throat.  He is so big and it’s still new to me.  I sucked him the best I could with my hands behind my back.  I think he helped me by guiding me with his hand gripped in my hair at the base of my head.  At some point, he pushed me back up to a kneeling position.

“You’re my good little slut, aren’t you?”  He asked.

“Yes, Daddy.”  I breathed.

“No talking.” I gasped a little and said, “Okay.” Still not getting the ‘no talking’ part.  This was so foreign.  Mr. D loves me talking to him.  He usually demands and requests that I talk to him during sex.  So, I was at a loss with this new turn of events.  I tried.  Truly, I did.

“Spread your legs.” I moved my knees open while still kneeling, not an easy thing without your hands to steady yourself. Mr. D rubbed my clit hard and then pushed his fingers inside me.

Changing tactics, he pushed me back down on his cock.  Mr. D forced my lips up and down his shaft a couple times then pushed me back up. His fingers stroked my pussy and then pushed inside me. He fucked me with his fingers until I was moaning and wet all over his hand. Then he pulled me close for another damaging kiss. My tongue was throbbing from the torturous kisses, my pussy was throbbing from his invading fingers and my mind was only focused on him. He was so firm, so forceful. I could barely breathe. Every ounce of my heart and soul were concentrated on him, making sure I followed every word, every command.

“You are mine. Do you hear me? You’re my slut, aren’t you?” I nodded, but I must have said something because he immediately said, “No talking!” again. I was beside myself. My stomach muscles clenched and I was mortified that I hadn’t done right. In that moment, I felt like my world would end if I didn’t please him fully.

He had me kneel up straight again. His fingers plundered my nether regions again. I could hear my own moans as if they were disconnected from me. He caressed my breasts and sucked on my nipples. Mr. D had me hold my breasts up so that he savor them.

He said, “Take hold of a nipple in each hand.” He showed me how he wanted me to grip them. With my thumb and forefinger, I gripped one nipple around the areola and then did the same to the other. He had me pull tightly and raise my breasts off my body and into the air by the nipples. It hurt but not immensely so. Then he began to spank my breasts. First one and then the other. It stung so intensely and also increased the pain elicited by my own hands holding them aloft. I know I cried out. I couldn’t beg him because I wasn’t allowed to speak. I think this was punishment for speaking the second time. I’m not sure. All I knew in that moment was he was being so forceful and I felt that any moment I was going to fail him.

After only a few slaps he stopped. He indicated that I could let my breasts down. “Get up.” He said. I rose on very wobbly feet and turned around as asked. He had me grab the couch arm for support and lower myself down on his cock. I was facing away from him and lowered myself onto him. He filled me so full and I could feel the discomfort from having been used several times already during the weekend. I tried to raise myself up again to begin moving on his shaft but my legs were completely spent from kneeling. I could barely move. He noticed I was having trouble and let me up. He rose and sat me on the edge of the couch. I leaned back and he mounted me from above. It’s remarkable that even after I’m sore down there it only takes the right movement, the right amount of passion and everything is just fine again. It’s like my insides heal because of the level of arousal. I have never experienced that before.

Afterwards, he cradled me on his chest curled up beside him on the couch. I held onto him like a dinghy lashed to the side of a ship. I felt my breathing slowly return. I felt myself ‘come down’, if that makes any sense. It was as if I was in some alternate state while I was under his command. That’s really the only way I can describe it. He held me and talked to me until I was mostly back to normal. Though, I remember Mr. D looking down at me at that point and saying, “Wow, look at your eyes, you’re still out there.” I’m not sure what they looked like in that state but apparently it was obvious to him.

Thinking back now, I am sure this was our most intense and deepest power exchange yet. I was completely under his control. I had no ability to do something other than he asked. I don’t really know what would have had to happen to snap me out of it enough to use a safe word if I needed to use one of mine. I suppose if it had gotten that far I would have found out. But it wasn’t that he did anything very dangerous or very painful. It was just the level of control he had and the force with which he exerted it. I do know now that I trust him to send me to great heights and to catch me on the way down. I trust him completely and can’t wait to be in his power again.

Open to the Pain

Leighton-God_Speed!

First love, so innocent and pure

Hearts open wide

Life begins, lessons come

Success, failure intermingle

Love’s struggle and loves lost

Time a traitor

Hearts caged away

Protection the priority

Solitude our savior

 

Life conveys us forward

Children come and go

Loneliness taunting us

Cracks in our reason

Fissures in the armor

We seek once more

Hearts venture the risk

 

Hope carves a path

Light dissolves defenses

Joy conquers fear

Love fills the void

 

Traces of fear remain

Shadows of pain surge

Tides of anxiety ebb

Our love a stream

Our steps timid

Vulnerable and raw

 

Exposed you come to me

Vulnerable I meet you

Vestiges of armor fall

Venturing a hope

Caressing in joy

Together we blend

Love our cocoon

Desire warms our hearts

Our paths joined

Our future together

Image used under CC Public Domain by Edmund Leighton.

Vulnerable

classically_vulnerable_stockII_by_moonlitdreamer_stock

Posting about cathartic spankings and requested pain brought my thought to the idea of being vulnerable.  I told Mr. D, even as I asked for a spanking hard enough and long enough to expel my pent up emotions, that I was scared of it.  When I reflect on that fear, I find that it is the fear of being vulnerable that causes me to feel scared.   I am afraid of showing the side of me that is vulnerable.  I am used to projecting a strong and pulled-together personae to the world.  I retreat into that personae as protection.  It is my protection from the ugliness of the world and from the judgment that came from some in my life.

I completely trust Mr. D, I know this already.  It may seem soon but I know he is worthy of that trust.  He has made me feel so loved, so completely accepted and so cherished for exactly who I am.  I’ve honestly never had someone treat me that way before.  It has opened up so many avenues of good feeling and ease to be accepted in this way.  I hope I offer the same acceptance to him, I hope he feels that from me.  I work towards offering this feeling to everyone I come in contact with but I know I fall far below his level.  He immediately remembers and uses everyone’s name that he meets.  He is open and welcoming to so many.  I am in awe of his accepting ways.

To feel that I am still protecting myself from feeling vulnerable even around him is disheartening.  It means my past is still very much alive and well in my bruised psyche.  I am really trying.  So, even though I’d like to take my protective little shell with me and crawl under a rock sometimes, I don’t.  I ask him for things that scare me.  I venture a little further into uncomfortable territory and every time I come up against the inside of my confining fortress I knock and know he’s on the other side with a steady and loving reply.

Image Available Under Creative Commons Licensing and Attributed to http://moonlitdreamer-stock.deviantart.com/