Grief

Since my mother passed away, I find myself crying at the oddest times and for the strangest reasons. The grief of losing my her is there.   I am fine and yet it is there.  I’m learning more and more about how I process emotions these days.

During my divorce and surviving a relationship with an alcoholic, I felt numb.  I felt like they say survivors can feel.  We put aside our emotions and dull the pain by burying it.  Alcoholics train their victims and themselves to shut down emotion.  It is a defense mechanism.  They drink to hide their inner anguish and yell at family to stop showing how the drinking hurts them too.  It is a vicious cycle of guilt and pain.  Eventually, you stop feeling.  You grow cold and numb.  It was the coldness and compete absence of joy that finally woke me up. I had to float slowly back up from those depths.

Having an Ex in recovery and working through those feelings was harder and easier in ways I didn’t expect.  He also had to find his joy again and do it while sober. He built new coping skills.  He went through therapy.  He had many people guiding him.  The result of this was that he became someone who knows the process.  He looks at me and wants to ‘fix’ me too.  He actually wants to fix everyone he comes in contact with.  His hyper focus on healing and therapy has brought him to this strange place where that’s all he sees.  He sees everyone’s faults and psychoses and wants to ‘heal’ you too.  It’s the pendulum swing.  I hope and pray he gets over that too.

Before I realized this was happening, I listened to him to a greater extent.  He was better at recovery than I was.  I left him and my life got suddenly and quickly more normal.  I began to feel fine again. I didn’t go through a huge cathartic healing like he did.  But then I didn’t go through that many meetings or grief over my lost life. I did but in a different way. I had gone through so much anguish in the choosing to leave. Once I left though, I did not look back on my decision.  What’s done is done. 

So, here I am, seemingly fine.  Moving on with life.  Occasionally being told by my Ex that I must have this deep well of emotion buried in me that is going to break out and drown me.  His drowned him for a while, that was for sure.  I saw it and experienced it. I wondered about it.  Do I? Is there this scary buried well of emotion inside me just waiting to drown me?

I’ve talked about my many reasons for moving towards a D/s relationship. One of them had to do with this fear.  Can edge play push me to find that well and experience those emotions?  Is this a way to break out of the cocoon?  While playing with Mr. D, I have found myself being tested and prodded and my buttons pushed. I have experienced many emotions but nothing has triggered this possible well of pain to surface. I began to stop worrying about it so much. 

Now that I am grieving for my mom, a very hard emotional thing, I  see more about how I process emotion.  I am in pain.  I am grieving.  I feel it ebb and flow over me.  Most days now I am completely fine and life is good.  Some days, though, I can feel the emotion well up and I sob for a few minutes here and there.  Then it passes and I am fine again. 

Mr. D worried that our D/s might have resumed too soon. I understand that concern.  I can feel myself react to his play differently right now.  I am more fragile.  I can feel that and I see myself taking our play more to heart.  That’s okay.  It gives me chances to experience the well of emotion that is me.  Now that I see my way of dealing with life, I don’t fear that I’m some emotional ticking time bomb. 

Mr. D gave me the final piece to this puzzle the other day.  At my mom’s memorial a good friend of mine broke down and cried.  She got semi-mad at me and asked, “But why aren’t you crying, too?” She feels that I’m entirely too level, too happy most of the time. I’ve been told that by other friends.  They think I’m too even all the time.  That it’s weird, in their eyes, that nothing bothers me. I relayed her comments to Mr. D and he immediately said, “But you’ve been feeling it for weeks now.” He’s right.  I have.  

I’m done doubting myself and fearing that I don’t feel like others feel.  I don’t and that’s perfectly alright.  We all feel emotions in our own unique ways.  I allow for others to feel and react as they choose.  From now on, I will give myself the same courtesy.

Emotion

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Emotion can be an odd thing.  It can be what gives you wings or it can drop you into a world of misery.  When I was little, I was an emotional girl.  I wore my heart on my sleeve with my joys shared and my hurts broadcast to my close family in a pout or tears.  I remember being one who needed my dad for protection and for those kisses that made everything better.  As I grew older and my beloved father left my mom, I started to notice how people behaved and the fallout from those behaviors.  I saw my mother as a very unstable person.  She was very emotional and didn’t seem to have a handle on those emotions.  I remember one of the times it seemed to effect us negatively.  That night, after my brother and I were asleep, I heard them yelling.  Her voice rose to a shrill pitch and woke my brother.  I remember comforting him and at one point, she came rushing out and started throwing our clothes into bags to leave.  Quickly, she rushed back in for more arguing with my father.  Even then, I somehow knew her emotions had the best of her.  I put away the clothes and put my brother back to bed.  I got back in bed myself and in the morning my dad was gone.

From that point on, through their separation and ultimate divorce, I was her strength.  I helped her as much as I could.  I bolstered her and buried my own feelings.  Over a long period of time I felt somehow responsible to be the strong one.  When I met my first love, it was the same.  His life was chaos.  His family was a wreck with his sister’s addiction.  I became his rock, his family center.  Many, many years later his own addiction threw us both into the alcoholic cycle.  In this cycle, the alcoholic feels a crushing weight of guilt over what they can’t control.  The codependent is leveled with all the blame.  The only way the codependent or the alcoholic can survive this crushing burden is to hide their feelings behind a very thick wall.  It is self-preservation.  It isn’t good but it’s survival.

The first alcoholic counselor I met gave me a test.  He asked me what emotions each situation he mentioned called for.  I could see that my choices were very narrow.  I was suffering and shut off from my emotions.  It was the only way I knew at that point.  Through AA and Alanon, I learned how to find my feelings again.  I learned how to come alive again.  But still, I see that in some ways I’m still the stoic that I made myself to be so that I wouldn’t vulnerable like my mother.  Sometimes, I experience emotions like I’m seeing them rather than feeling them.  More and more these days I’m not like that.  But I know it’s something I still watch.

Mr. D and I were talking over the last couple days.   It has been so amazing to have a 4 day weekend together.  We have had time with my family and quiet time with each other.  It is so needed for both of us.  The other night Mr. D told me about his past.  He told me about how his first marriage ended and what happened in the aftermath.  As I listened to his story, I felt myself getting angry at the injustice of how he was treated and what happened to him as a result.  I wasn’t there, it’s not my place to judge but I feel a strong sense of protection…wishing I could have been there to stop it as unreasonable as that sounds.  What I can do is learn from it in the here and now.  I want to learn more about how emotions are a part of our lives and how I can understand them.

Last night, Mr. D and I were making love.  The more we are together and the deeper he pulls me into submission to him the more I feel myself coming into contact with strong emotions.  He was deep inside me and he started talking to me.  First he asked me what I felt.  I was so mesmerized at that point, overwhelmed but his touch and him inside me.  I said things like, “I feel you deep inside me. I feel heat. I feel wetness and pleasure.”  After I finished with the meager things my sex soaked mind allowed to escape my lips, he said it was his turn.

“Now, I’ll tell you what I feel. I feel heat.  I feel the heat of my need for you.  I feel the heat of your need for me.  I feel the heat of our bodies joined together.  I feel you.  I feel your love.  I feel your touch.  I feel….”  And he kept talking to me as he thrust inside me.  I was completely and utterly transfixed on him and every word he whispered to me.  I felt a wave of emotion so strong for him crash over me.  It was relentless.  I felt myself drifting in a sea of…him. That’s the only way I can explain it.  Finally, he whispered to me so low that I couldn’t hear him.  I despaired that I missed what he said.  I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.  I finally caught the edge of his thoughts drifting in.

“…submitting to my will…being dominated.”  Then I knew where his mind was going, what he was thinking.  His hand came up and his finger grazed my lips to make me open my mouth.  I sucked on his finger but he pushed his two longest fingers deep into my mouth, past my tongue, to grab the back of my throat.  He had my full attention.  His domination was immediate and visceral.  He has told me what an effect his domination on me, I instantaneously get wetter and more aroused.  Then, with his eyes piercing mine, he fucked me with a wild abandon until I knew he was ready to explode.

“What do you want?” He growled at me in his deepest, passion filled voice.

“Your cum, Daddy! You Daddy, I want you!” And then he thrust to the hilt and filled me with his love.  I felt waves of emotion grip me.  So shocking and strong, they held me so tight that all I could do was pant.  Daddy came and as he started to find awareness again he heard me struggling and said, “Breathe baby, breath.” He asked me if I was okay, all I could do was nod my head.  At that moment, I had the strongest urge to cry.  Cry with joy, cry with raw emotion, just cry and let it out.  But I breathed and I finally felt it subside.  It still doesn’t come easy to just let go and not be concerned for the other person.  I didn’t want to worry Mr. D.  He is such an intensely caring person.  As far as we push the envelope,  he is always concerned and makes abundantly sure I’m okay.

Do I have answers to my questions about emotion….some.  But I see that this journey is far from over. I have learned one thing, at least.   Emotion is not the evil I once thought it was.

The Giving and the Taking

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The letter that follows is from Mr. D.  I have read it many times and finally felt that it should be shared here on my site.  It is part of our growth and our learning in the lifestyle. EA

The Giving and the Taking

It has been said that Doms take and Subs give.  While this is true to an extent; it is not always as simple as it seems.   I am a dominant man that has been called Daddy, Sweet Daddy, or something similar for a long time and I normally take what is offered in gentle and earnest pleasure with my partners. 

The lovely lady I am in love with is drawing from me my darkness – freeing my soul to act in a manner that we deem appropriate.  I know she desires that I reciprocate and I want to desperately shatter her walls and free her spirit.  To bask in the joy and optimism she brings to everything.  I pushed her once before and took her for my own desires.  Used her and felt the joy and power in it.  She reveled in the sex and dominance until she doubted my affections and then suffered in doubt and worry until I was sated…  (I did not take that lightly and honored her by reprimanding her at length.)  We are in this together – in love, lust, abandon, subjugation, release, rebirth, and dominance.  If there are doubts stop and give them freedom to be assuaged and released. 

I have never felt this way before.  My love life and my kinky life didn’t cross overmuch.  But I am drawn to this Lovely Kinky Sexy Wanton Woman – in the basking of and plundering of emotional and physical heights.  The exploration and releasing of the demons and desires that are buried in us is a bit formidable.  I am not without fear but that isn’t what prevails; it is the abiding knowledge that once released the monster must be slain and we will test our new and burgeoning love against the burdens of our past.  I do not know the depths of her pain nor she of my inherent self-loathing. 

In life there is no real reward without somewhat of a risk.  I relish the journey we are taking – a life together.  I am overly indulgent in our bonding and coupling and want to please her overmuch.  I demand her honesty and openness and am keenly dedicated to understanding her needs and thoughts.  Thus I have done a good thing through indulgence and committed an injustice by not understanding the anchor of the past. 

So, the giving and the taking….   I am going to ardently take steps to relieve her burden, share her awakening and rebirth, and devote myself to providing her the safe place and opportunity to explore and discard the past through physical pain and emotional support.  I take this responsibility and in return will give her the wholeness of my heart, offering myself and our love as a foundation for our future, and provide her with unending support.   I love you EA.

 

Photo by Bcow with permission through CC and found here.

Letting Loose

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Last night was a night out for myself and Mr. D. He bought tickets for us and another couple to attend a costume party at a local dungeon. He is new to the area and had not been to any of the dungeons here. I have only been to one as a guest to see what it was like. This one that we visited last night is a very nice club as well as a dungeon. The equipment and the ambiance was very nice, very professional and classy compared to the one I had visited before. We had some drinks and watched a couple performances. One was a woman who tied her partner in suspension ropes. She then used a Taser on his privates. Ouch! You should have seen him jump in the ropes. I don’t know if it’s true but it seems like female dominants can be more ruthless than the men I’ve seen. I’ll have to think about what the difference is, perhaps it’s because the only woman who took a paddle to me did it with full gusto and just laughed when it caused me pain and made me jump.   The second scene was more an act. The theme of the party we attended was Disney Destructed. So, the guests were in costume and the act we watched was a Cinderella and the Wicked Witch act. I enjoyed the flogging but the acting part went a bit long.

It was fun dressing up, Mr. D wore a sinful Pirate costume. I was a slutty Minnie Mouse. I had planned to be Minnie Mouse road kill. I was going to paint tire dreads across my arms and bosom, like I got run over. I’m so glad I didn’t do that. As it was, a half hour into the evening, my makeup painted nose ended up smeared across my cheek and Mr. D’s nose. I can’t keep my lips off that man!

The best part of the time at the dungeon was when I played with Mr. D. He took me into one of the more private rooms. There was a leather padded wall on one side of the room. He pushed me up against this wall and his hand traveled up my thigh under my skirt. He pushed my skirt up and had me bend over a bit. With my full ass, my skirt stayed hiked up where he pushed it. He also bared my back and unhooked my bra. Mr. D had brought his flogger and a paddle. The flogger, I absolutely love. It is the thuddy kind and he knows how to wield it very well. The paddle, well, I already have a love hate relationship with that stingy thing. I am learning that I can stand thuddy for much longer than I can the stinging bite of that paddle. Mr. D flogged my back and buttocks and thighs. I was very excited to be under Mr. D’s power and feeling the sensations of his ministrations in a public setting. While he was flogging me, people ducked in and then left seeing that the room was occupied. It heightened everything for me. When he started using the paddle, I really had to grit my teeth and feel the pain of the sting bite into my ass. I so want to please my Daddy. I want to take as much as I possibly can. I danced around and Mr. D told me to grab the sides of the wall padding to bear down into the pain. I wanted to run from it. Afterwards, when Mr. D and I were talking about the scene, he said he loved watching me dance around and try to escape that wicked little paddle. I’m sure he got an eye full of the fishnet stockings and high heels I was wearing with my costume. It got me so hot to dress sexy for him.

Finally, when I didn’t feel I could take it anymore I whimpered, “Daddy, stop, oh please stop.” Daddy was good to me and stopped then. He said it was our first time in public and he wants to take things slowly with me. Funny, in the moment I was at once so grateful and also a bit let down. I really seem to want Mr. D to push my boundaries. I’m glad he’s so wise and wants to take appropriate steps into this process. I feel very safe traveling this path with him.

A few minutes later, after we joined our friends, he asked me if I was okay. I let him know I was. I seem to go into myself sometimes after we play at something new. I was taking inventory of my feelings on what had transpired. I hadn’t called my safe word but he chose to stop when I begged for him to stop. Part of me really wanted him to stop. Part of me didn’t want him to stop at all.

I am usually quiet and not much of a dramatic person. I typically don’t like overly emotional or dramatic outbursts. I have taken care of too many people in my life that didn’t have any control over their emotions. The flip side of that dynamic is that I have become less demonstrative with my own emotions. You could almost call me a stoic. The alcoholic/co-dependent dynamic I ended up a part of only worsened my usual bent toward dampened emotions. Since healing myself from that destructive relationship and growing in myself, I have become more comfortable with my own emotions. I have thought about it and I would like to use our D/s play to further that healing. When he was beating me with that paddle, I really wanted to let loose with my feelings and actions. Mr. D is so caring and I felt that doing that without us talking about it would not really be fair. We haven’t been together that long but he already clearly reads me. I think this is something that we’ll grow into over time.   I truly want him to push me past my current limits. I could be wrong and this may be crossing into dangerous territory but some part of me really wants to explore this and I think there is something to be learned from the exploration.

The final piece of the puzzle is that when I had visited the first dungeon many years ago, I had watched a Daddy/baby girl couple play. She was intoxicating to watch. He beat the hell out of her with all sorts of implements. He even used horse curry combs and brought blood out. But I was completely mesmerized by her cries and her little girl femininity. In that pain, in that moment, she was utterly mesmerizing. There’s something about that draws me.