Power Dynamic

Such is the rhythm of my life at the moment that I start to write and don’t get back to finish for weeks.  We have had a couple intense sessions recently but I can’t write them with enough details to do them justice. It begs the question, if kinky sex happens and no one writes a blog about it, did it happen at all?

I’m doing my best to write. Random stuff, unnecessary stuff, non-sexual, non-kinky stuff, because if I don’t I fear I’ll stop writing altogether. The most lifestyle related thing I’ve been doing lately is reading a book on the Master/slave dynamic called, Living M/s. What a great book. It is written in sections by a Master and a slave currently living a 24/7 power exchange relationship. So many things they talk about resonate with me.

I was trying to explain the book and my thoughts on it to Daddy. I’m not sure I did such a great job. One thing the slave talks about is how the power exchange in her vanilla relationships was always a problem. That there was always a faltering kind of competitiveness and resentments that would crop up over inconsequential things. This is absolutely what I had in my marriage. I couldn’t put a name to it for years, but there was always a constant tit-for-tat undercurrent in my first marriage. I’d make dinner and expect that he’d do the dishes. He wouldn’t. Then I’d get resentful. He’d ask me to do something for him and I’d feel put out and so I’d do it begrudgingly. He didn’t deserve my serving him because I was pissed about something else minor. 

After decades of this, I was inadvertently introduced to the D/s lifestyle. Everything I read about power exchange relationships made such incredible sense! Why guess and compete and struggle for who is in charge in a relationship? It’s so damned hard and so useless. I could immediately see the wisdom in choosing roles. When my mindset is to be his submissive, to serve and to put him before me in my considerations, life is good. I am at peace. I am filled with contentment.

Daddy wrote up a contract for me to agree to before we began on our journey together. I’ll have to share it at some point. One of his desires was to have me submit in private but for us to be equals in public. Honestly, I think about this a lot. I continue to want to push deeper and deeper into this lifestyle. Even right now, while we’re mainly living a vanilla life, stressed and struggling our way through major life changes, I feel myself on this ever present quest to get back to what is deeper, to submit more, to have my whole being committed to him in this power play. But is that what he wants? Would I want to give up power completely or more than I can imagine now?  

I know a few things so far.  When I am conscious of the power dynamic, I am alive.  I feel connected to him. I feel the raw, sexual energy flowing between us. When I don’t feel it, I falter.

The Giving and the Taking

The letter that follows is from Mr. D.  I have read it many times and finally felt that it should be shared here on my site.  It is part of our growth and our learning in the lifestyle. EA

The Giving and the Taking

It has been said that Doms take and Subs give.  While this is true to an extent; it is not always as simple as it seems.   I am a dominant man that has been called Daddy, Sweet Daddy, or something similar for a long time and I normally take what is offered in gentle and earnest pleasure with my partners. 

The lovely lady I am in love with is drawing from me my darkness – freeing my soul to act in a manner that we deem appropriate.  I know she desires that I reciprocate and I want to desperately shatter her walls and free her spirit.  To bask in the joy and optimism she brings to everything.  I pushed her once before and took her for my own desires.  Used her and felt the joy and power in it.  She reveled in the sex and dominance until she doubted my affections and then suffered in doubt and worry until I was sated…  (I did not take that lightly and honored her by reprimanding her at length.)  We are in this together – in love, lust, abandon, subjugation, release, rebirth, and dominance.  If there are doubts stop and give them freedom to be assuaged and released. 

I have never felt this way before.  My love life and my kinky life didn’t cross overmuch.  But I am drawn to this Lovely Kinky Sexy Wanton Woman – in the basking of and plundering of emotional and physical heights.  The exploration and releasing of the demons and desires that are buried in us is a bit formidable.  I am not without fear but that isn’t what prevails; it is the abiding knowledge that once released the monster must be slain and we will test our new and burgeoning love against the burdens of our past.  I do not know the depths of her pain nor she of my inherent self-loathing. 

In life there is no real reward without somewhat of a risk.  I relish the journey we are taking – a life together.  I am overly indulgent in our bonding and coupling and want to please her overmuch.  I demand her honesty and openness and am keenly dedicated to understanding her needs and thoughts.  Thus I have done a good thing through indulgence and committed an injustice by not understanding the anchor of the past. 

So, the giving and the taking….   I am going to ardently take steps to relieve her burden, share her awakening and rebirth, and devote myself to providing her the safe place and opportunity to explore and discard the past through physical pain and emotional support.  I take this responsibility and in return will give her the wholeness of my heart, offering myself and our love as a foundation for our future, and provide her with unending support.   I love you EA.


Photo by Bcow with permission through CC and found here.



I came away from this weekend with one word on my lips and imprinted in mind…INTENSITY.

I have never felt the type or degree of intensity that I feel with Mr. D.  The love we share, the things he does, the thoughts he admits, the way he pushes me, the spots on my body he finds and the way he dominates me all seem to coalesce into a focused laser beam of passion for us.  Yes, it was an intense weekend. 

I have always craved the intensity I felt watching movies like Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or 9 1/2 Weeks.  They are hot, hot movies.  Not for the sex or the story but because of the raw relationships between Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke or Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman.  They simply melted the screen when they were together.  It is very rare even in the movies.  I am still in awe of what I felt.  I want it more and more and more.

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Speak! (Continued)


As I was saying, I began to write.  I found out about blogging, chatting, online venues, and online virtual worlds.  These were all completely new to me.  At first, I wandered around in these virtual realms a bit lost and very green.  After a while, though, I found out how people interacted and found a way of exploring that felt safe.  No matter what crazy thing I did or said, at the end of the evening, I logged off and went back to my quiet little life.  For a while, it was intoxicating.  I felt my wings spread, I felt the cocoon of my quiet existence crack.  I found that there was so much more out there in the world than I ever expected.

During this time, I found out about the world of BDSM.  I had always felt like something was missing in the struggles between men and women.  I knew I was old-fashioned in what I liked and wanted in a relationship.  Part of me understood the women’s equal rights movement but part of me didn’t understand it at all.  Of course, growing up in a post-equality world, I had the luxury of deciding where on this spectrum I fit.  The women before me had given me that opportunity and for that I am eternally grateful.  Where, I think, we went astray is how far we pushed the pendulum the other direction.

I truly feel women are a compliment to men.  We fit as two parts to one whole.  In this capacity, I feel comfortable filling my part of this role.  I am, however, truly an independent person but in this independence I find that I am free to fit myself to the needs of a man.  I think both sexes offer the other unique qualities that make this coupling perfect.

Once online, I found that the Dominance/submission aspect of BDSM spoke to me.  It allowed my independence in my career and life but held my desire to submit to a man in the bedroom as a valid choice.  I could be powerful as my own person and yet soft and submissive to a man.  This lifestyle also gave the man the power in the relationship.  Essentially, it brings the intrinsic power play of any relationship out into the open.  No longer is there the underlying friction between two equals in a relationship.  It is all on the table, so to speak.  Aside from the kinky qualities of D/s, which are insanely fun, this clear discussion of the power play had me hooked.

So, with my new knowledge, I explored the world of D/s from afar.  I wandered around in my mental world and read everything I could.  I tried to fit what I liked into my life.  However, by this time, my marriage was truly beyond repair.  The alcoholic trap had completely taken over.  I was completely trapped in my silence and didn’t feel there was any way out.  Fortunately, I found a very dedicated friend online who had been an addict and led me to Alanon.  I finally began to feel like there was a way back to my voice.  With the help of my friend and Alanon, I found the will to break free and the voice to speak up for myself again.

To Share or Not to Share

I go back and forth in my mind with wanting to share everything and wanting to keep my very new experiences in the lifestyle as my own secretly guarded treasure. Part of me feels that sharing it will make it more real. Sharing it will allow me the time in reflection to understand my own feelings. I tend to rush ahead in my life, to take care of the details and the day-to-day without the much needed reflection that gains us perspective. With such a new experience as jumping feet first into the D/s lifestyle, I think it is necessary. So, even though I feel that I want to hoard my treasure and keep it mine only, I will share it.

Starting Anew


I met a man.  Really, anything can follow that statement.  I met a man for a meeting.  I met a man who sells light bulbs.  I met a man at Starbucks.  But really, today, it means more.  I met a man on Fet Life and as soon as I read his email, as soon as I read his profile, I needed to meet him.  I have a whole lot of timid in me.  I usually am contacted and I take the communication slowly.  I email, I text, I learn about the person….then I stall, I get busy, and ultimately find a reason not to ever meet them.  Not this time.

From the moment I felt his virtual touch, I had to meet him.  He just felt right.  He was a fit.  In his approach, in his gentlemanly qualities, in his subtle and calm feel.  I felt comfortable and excited.  I met a man.  The sentence means a world more now.  I’m excited to learn how to be in a lifestyle relationship in earnest.  I’m excited to feel Dominance.  I don’t know anything about Daddy/baby girl play but I’m looking forward to that too.

I feel a world of possibilities opening to me.  The door is open wide and I’m already through it.  How’s that for timid?