Power Dynamic

Such is the rhythm of my life at the moment that I start to write and don’t get back to finish for weeks.  We have had a couple intense sessions recently but I can’t write them with enough details to do them justice. It begs the question, if kinky sex happens and no one writes a blog about it, did it happen at all?

I’m doing my best to write. Random stuff, unnecessary stuff, non-sexual, non-kinky stuff, because if I don’t I fear I’ll stop writing altogether. The most lifestyle related thing I’ve been doing lately is reading a book on the Master/slave dynamic called, Living M/s. What a great book. It is written in sections by a Master and a slave currently living a 24/7 power exchange relationship. So many things they talk about resonate with me.

I was trying to explain the book and my thoughts on it to Daddy. I’m not sure I did such a great job. One thing the slave talks about is how the power exchange in her vanilla relationships was always a problem. That there was always a faltering kind of competitiveness and resentments that would crop up over inconsequential things. This is absolutely what I had in my marriage. I couldn’t put a name to it for years, but there was always a constant tit-for-tat undercurrent in my first marriage. I’d make dinner and expect that he’d do the dishes. He wouldn’t. Then I’d get resentful. He’d ask me to do something for him and I’d feel put out and so I’d do it begrudgingly. He didn’t deserve my serving him because I was pissed about something else minor. 

After decades of this, I was inadvertently introduced to the D/s lifestyle. Everything I read about power exchange relationships made such incredible sense! Why guess and compete and struggle for who is in charge in a relationship? It’s so damned hard and so useless. I could immediately see the wisdom in choosing roles. When my mindset is to be his submissive, to serve and to put him before me in my considerations, life is good. I am at peace. I am filled with contentment.

Daddy wrote up a contract for me to agree to before we began on our journey together. I’ll have to share it at some point. One of his desires was to have me submit in private but for us to be equals in public. Honestly, I think about this a lot. I continue to want to push deeper and deeper into this lifestyle. Even right now, while we’re mainly living a vanilla life, stressed and struggling our way through major life changes, I feel myself on this ever present quest to get back to what is deeper, to submit more, to have my whole being committed to him in this power play. But is that what he wants? Would I want to give up power completely or more than I can imagine now?  

I know a few things so far.  When I am conscious of the power dynamic, I am alive.  I feel connected to him. I feel the raw, sexual energy flowing between us. When I don’t feel it, I falter.

Just Now

I have been feeling afraid lately.  Not all the time.  Just in some little moments in the late of night or the early morning.  Fear of losing him.  Fear that I will do something wrong and I will see, not anger but cold hard disappointment in his eyes. I will do everything I can not to see that.  I want to make his life content and happy and full, not sad and … mediocre.  

All relationships go through phases.  Insane happy sex sex sex…crush.  Settled happy joy…love.  Falling sad disappointment…she’s not perfect. She bugs me, won’t she stop doing that?  God, I hope we make it through that phase.  Why do we have to go through that falling phase?  Falling from the heights of “they’re more perfect than anyone ever before” to “oh yeah, they’re the same as everybody else.” But you know, everyone is amazing in their own way.  If we just keep seeing each other for the incredible piece of perfection we are, flaws and all, can we skip the falling?

It scares me. I know me. I can agree with pretty much anything bad you tell me about me.  He can read my heart like I’m naked and it’s pounding out Braille through my chest.  He sees things I don’t. He could crush me with my faults but he doesn’t.  I am putting my whole heart in his care now.  Will being his slave be more than I can handle? I know I try really hard. I fail a lot but I always try again and I always want to please him. I hope that’s enough.

I know I love him beyond all doubt.  I want to spend my life pleasing him and serving him.  I will be tested.  I will at some point test him too.  Not on purpose but it’ll happen.  I’ll piss him off.  I’ll frustrate the shit out of him. 

Please let him see through my faults and want me love anyway.  Please let him continue to choose me.