No Choice

Our first time having anal sex we were both timid. Mr. D was careful and took care to make sure I was okay.  It had been a while since then.  We talked about it often but for whatever reason it hadn’t been the right time.  Last weekend, I arrived at Mr. D’s place, I had no idea what I was in for that afternoon.  We had been texting the night before about rape and non-consent.  He had gotten me so worked up that I told him I’d love to have him force me sometime.  The rape fantasy is one that intrigues me.  The idea of being forced is very erotic.  So, when I arrived at his place he told me to undress.  He said I had no choice, he was going to take my ass and I had no say in the matter.  I was scared and turned on and excited all at once.

I stripped down and he bent me over the bed.  He fit his face in between my cheeks and began to invade my asshole with his tongue.  It made me grip the sheets with both hands.  The sensations were off the charts for me when he did this. He pulled back and his fingers moved in to inched inside me.  I squirmed and cried out, wanting this but not wanting it at the same time.  I knew it was going to happen.  I had no choice.

He had me lie on my back and he pushed up my legs so that he was poised between them.  His enormous cock pushed into my ultra-tight hole.  Slowly, he moved.  I panted and relaxed as much as possible.  This was happening, I had no choice.  He pushed in with a short stroke and then pulled back.  He thrust in again and I felt my body balk at the invasion.  “Please Daddy.” I knew there was no stopping him. “Please, let me move to my side.”

“Okay, if you think that will be better.” I knew not to ask to stop.  I rolled on my side and got into position.  One leg between his two, one pulled up to my chest.  He mounted me again and thrust into me.  I took a deep breath.  This was happening, I had no choice.  His cock pushed inside me and the constant movement awakened my lust.  The feelings of pleasure overrode my anxiety and the pain of being stretched.  I moaned as he continued to thrust in deeper and deeper.

I felt the intense pleasure of him reaching the precipice and being buried to the hilt, I had no choice it was happening now.  He pulled back and began to fuck my ass with long deep thrusts.  He fucked me harder and faster.  He pummeled my tight ass until the guttural moans were unending.  They were mine and I had no choice, they came without my volition.

Hard animal fucking and his cock filling my ass brought him to the brink until finally he filled my ass with his hot seed.  His breathing came hard and fast.  The shudders of his orgasm rocked through me.  I had no choice, I felt his love juice pump me full.

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Divided

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A few days ago, Mr. D and I were going to sleep. He knew I was upset about my parent in the hospital. I curled up against his back and the contact with him brought all the pent up emotions to the surface. I was sad and the feelings washed over me. Unbeknownst to me, the pressure and contact of my body pressed to him was working on Mr. D. In the midst of my falling apart, Mr. D turned around with a look of lust in his eyes, “All you do is touch me and you do this to me. It’s your fault.”

His hand took mine and put it on his hard cock. I smiled through my pain and felt my body react and turn against the sorrow in my heart. His lips took mine is a hard kiss of possession. His lips slashed across mine and his tongue and teeth claimed me. My hand around his cock, my arm pinned between us, his body pushing me down while the kiss continued unabated.

The heat was overwhelming and gave the pain that colored my world an exit. My body arched against him and matched his hunger. His lips left mine and his teeth grazed my neck, my throat, my breast. The tearing heat of it left marks. My nipples tightened and rose to meet his lips and tongue. As he traveled down my body, I realized that he was headed further. He was going to taste me, pleasure me. I was torn. “No,” I thought to myself, “let this night, this passion, be for him. My heart is breaking; don’t let this be about me.”  But, his mind was set and he was between my legs before I finished the thought.

“Open yourself for me.” I spread my sex for him and held it open as asked. My knees were pushed up and open, pinning my arms against me. His lips and tongue set a blaze of fire across my tender and vulnerable sex. I felt split in two. My body, the traitor that it is, reacted swiftly to his touch. The sadness had a hold on me that warred against the pleasure he was building inside me. I moaned and arched under him. Next, his fingers pushed inside my pussy. I wanted this, needed this. Anything, just keep going. Deeply his fingers filled me, and then moved the wetness from my pussy down and circled my asshole. Oh, no, not that. I’m not ready, oh please. Like a good girl, I held still and his finger wiggled inside the tight little hole. I was vibrating now, his fingers in both holes, and his mouth on my clit, he gave me no way to retreat from him. His other arm held onto my thigh, I was trapped in this cage of ecstasy.

Before I knew what was happening, I felt my body tense and tighten. Beyond any doubt, I could feel deep within my sex the tightening as if a clock was being wound. An orgasm was building inside me. Not the new kind I have just started to feel with Mr. D but the clitoral kind I give myself.   This was a first, to feel that type of sensation from oral sex. I let it register in my mind and felt it grow. It was pretty amazing especially for how I was feeling emotionally. I was overwhelmed by all that Mr. D was doing. He had his fingers in my front and my back and his mouth kept sending jolts through me. So, it seems this is the magic way to the Promised Land for me. Twice now, Mr. D has gotten me completely and thoroughly worked up in this situation. I am continually amazed at the heights of passion he takes me to and the varieties of sensations he brings to the fore.

Photo by Lies Through A Lenses and Found Here (CC 2.0 Attribution )

Fear and Assorted Uglies

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This morning I find myself holding a hand of cards, each with something I want to write about.  They are all jumbled in my mind.  So, I will start writing and find my focus somewhere along the way.

Mr. D took me away for a beautiful weekend.  During this cloying heat, we were ensconced in a lovely air-controlled hotel.  What a treat.  Even if we hadn’t been there for an event it would have been amazing just for the privacy and the coolness.  Making love with no roommates or pets in the pristine hotel room was worth every callisthenic maneuver I had to pull last week to finally arrive in my Love’s arms.  I owe him a debt of gratitude for such a lovely time away.

On Sunday, arriving back from the hotel, I was greeted with a phone call from my messy life.  Not that I try to have the messy drama as part of my life but it’s there and sometimes I can’t seem to escape it no matter how much effort I put into it.  I will learn.  I have tried everything to move on from my past but it doesn’t want to let me go quite yet.

I read a post by Ms. Tranquility this weekend that brought back up the same feelings she had.  Another Mans Eyes brings up the specter of past abuse.  Unfortunately, I still deal with my abuser on a weekly basis.  That’s life, I am strong and I handle it.  But I know that in some respects the past abuse has the potential to flavor my current interactions just as his past issues flavor how he currently treats me.

What I’m struggling with today is how to move on even if someone in your life refuses to do that same.  It is a constant ‘rising above’ and some days I deal with it well and others I want to rail at the sky for having no control over how to end the cycle.  Part of being a submissive is learning how to gracefully accept lack of control.  I tightly control so many things…my emotions, my career, my my my…but when it’s anyone else other than yourself that ‘control’ that you think you have is a mere figment of your imagination unless THEY have granted you that control.  So, I know very well that I’m powerless over others.  12 Step programs start with this…I am powerless.  Let go, give up the fight, stop torturing yourself with the imaginary control you think you have.  Yes, okay.

I begged Mr. D for a beating today.  I feel tortured by things out of my control.  Is it not possible to push the boundaries of that torture in a more physical way to find some kind of emotional catharsis from the mental anguish?  I know, I lost the smooth transition from thought-to-thought beginning this paragraph that way but the thought remains.  Does physical pain help relieve emotional pain in some respects?  Mr. D is very careful with me.  He is an immensely caring Dominant.  He was worried for me yesterday and I am fairly sure he still is worried.  He responded by telling me that he hadn’t pushed me further in this direction because of the crap I’m going through.  He doesn’t want to do any further damage.  I love him so much for many reasons but at the moment I love that he is so thoughtful, so careful.  And yet, I am impatient and want this as well as so many other deeper reflections of his Dominance and my submission.

All questions, no answers.  I’ll find clarity, it always comes.  For today, I simply ask. The answers will come later…I trust they will present themselves as long as I accept that I can’t force them to arrive.