Just Now

I have been feeling afraid lately.  Not all the time.  Just in some little moments in the late of night or the early morning.  Fear of losing him.  Fear that I will do something wrong and I will see, not anger but cold hard disappointment in his eyes. I will do everything I can not to see that.  I want to make his life content and happy and full, not sad and … mediocre.  

All relationships go through phases.  Insane happy sex sex sex…crush.  Settled happy joy…love.  Falling sad disappointment…she’s not perfect. She bugs me, won’t she stop doing that?  God, I hope we make it through that phase.  Why do we have to go through that falling phase?  Falling from the heights of “they’re more perfect than anyone ever before” to “oh yeah, they’re the same as everybody else.” But you know, everyone is amazing in their own way.  If we just keep seeing each other for the incredible piece of perfection we are, flaws and all, can we skip the falling?

It scares me. I know me. I can agree with pretty much anything bad you tell me about me.  He can read my heart like I’m naked and it’s pounding out Braille through my chest.  He sees things I don’t. He could crush me with my faults but he doesn’t.  I am putting my whole heart in his care now.  Will being his slave be more than I can handle? I know I try really hard. I fail a lot but I always try again and I always want to please him. I hope that’s enough.

I know I love him beyond all doubt.  I want to spend my life pleasing him and serving him.  I will be tested.  I will at some point test him too.  Not on purpose but it’ll happen.  I’ll piss him off.  I’ll frustrate the shit out of him. 

Please let him see through my faults and want me love anyway.  Please let him continue to choose me.  


Do you ever get stuck in your writing?  I do.  I’ve taken long breaks from writing simply because I run out of what I feel are original thoughts.  Sometimes, I see the repetitive nature of my language choices and that makes me sad.  The way of our best writers is not paved with boring adjectives and the same stilted word usage.  There are over 170,000 words in the latest Oxford Dictionary.  I would expect them to come to mind more easily than they do, especially when I have a Muse who fills my waking thoughts.  But, that is not the current reason for my lack of flow.  I have too much on my mind.  I need to purge…mentally.  So, I thought I’d write some stream of consciousness writing and see what happens.

Down a slippery slope
Sliding in and out of time
Sinking into an abyss
Falling in love
Rambling words
Stream of Consciousness
Your touch
My need
Today, I worry
Tomorrow, I hold you
Ever in cycle
Ever in desperation
Mine to have
Yours to command
Falling again
Swimming at the bottom
Life so hard
No straight path
Ever hidden and secluded
Around the next corner
My thoughts waver
You take the next curve
I pant, following behind
The vortex awaits
Offer your hand
Save me from the dark
Find the path
Pull me close
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