Why Slavery?

Mr. D and I talked after he tested me so absolutely. He said I’m so transparent and that it’s easy to push my buttons. I am sure it is. A woman doesn’t get sucked into a decades-long relationship with an alcoholic without having some level of gullibility. I know I’m an easy target, I always have been. Sometimes I think I’m better than I used to be but I guess not. Maybe there is a part of me that chooses to submit because if I’m going to be manipulated at least it will only be by one person and I had a choice in the matter. There is some power to submitting. You choose it. After that you just have to let go and trust the person to whom you gave the power.
I want to talk about the question, ‘why slavery?’ Isn’t it enough to choose to submit to someone and enjoy that dynamic? Yes, it is plenty. It is an undeniable gift that he allows me to be his submissive. We explore a dynamic that I always wanted but until now hadn’t had the opportunity to explore in real life. All the exploration I did online cemented in me the desire for this in the flesh. Mr. D is that flesh and blood personification of my desire to serve.

There are many reasons I want to take this further. The first is that I feel deeply that Mr. D deserves someone to give him the depths of service slavery offers. I don’t choose this lightly. I have known him for a year and four months. I love how he is as a person. He cares about the people in his life very deeply. He chooses friends that would do anything for him and he is willing to do anything in return. He is an instigator and loves to stir the pot to see what happens. He thrives on giving people what they want and sometimes what they truly need even when they didn’t ask. He is measured and careful in his execution of his skills and his dominance. When he wants to know about something or learn a skill, he is driven until he finds the knowledge he needs or learns the skill he requires. Even with his regimented ways learned in the Navy, he can still be tempted to act swiftly in the pursuit of his desires. I love that he has plans of what to do to me next. I equally love when I see him throw all that out the window because he was taken away in the heat of passion. I want to give him something no one else has. I want to honor the person that he is by offering all of me to him. When we talk about my service, he tells me it makes him uncomfortable sometimes. I can see that. We are used to people being equal, doing their own thing. Like me, Mr. D is a caregiver. To me, that makes it doubly more valuable that I serve him. He knows the level of effort it takes and he doesn’t take it for granted. The Daddy side of him is very strong. I am blessed to have a man care for me the way he does and allow the little girl side of me a safe place.
For my side, I want the level of intensity I think it will bring. I want to be fully dedicated to him and his desires. I love the feeling of having no choice; that I must serve. There is no backing out. There is no option of being timid. There is only him and his desires. There is only what he chooses and how he wishes me to be. I want to give him all of me and then more. If he wants to mind fuck me like he did the other night, I take it. I am his property, I have no choice. I must trust that he has a reason for what he does and if he doesn’t then we will both suffer the consequences. I know that is a lot to give to another person. It is a lot of responsibility to place at someone’s feet. All I can say is that a lot of joy comes with that responsibility. I would be his chattel, his slave. I would do all that he wishes with no out. I would sink to whatever twisted levels he desired, be his slut in every way. He would care for me like he cares for anything else of value in his life. I would be a prized possession. There is no taking each other for granted in this dynamic.

A long time ago a friend introduced me to the online Gorean lifestyle. This is a fictional series of books. The premise is very similar to Conan, the Barbarian. The men are warriors and the women are their slaves. Clearly, the fantasy part was just that. Many people love the harsh quality of the warrior life. It harkens back to a time when men were more masculine and women more feminine. There was no equality. Each sex was compartmentalized to a very narrow set of parameters. Modern life has much more depth and gray areas for both men and women. What I loved about playing Gorean roleplay was the level of femininity I was able to achieve and that the sense of slavery was very real. The entire community treated you as your role. You were expected to conform or reap the punishment which was very harsh. It gave me a very rigid box within which to perform. Because of this singlemindedness, I was freed from all the complexities of life for a while. I was merely female and slave. My aim was to be the most feminine personification of me possible for the pure enjoyment of those I served. It was an escape from the realities of life to be sure but it also allowed me to distill myself into a more pure form of service. I really enjoyed it. I would like to feel that same single-mindedness of service with Mr. D.

Will Mr. D choose to take the slavery I offer? I don’t know. Perhaps his idea of slavery is more than I can handle. I think he may have something very different in mind from my limited notions.  I certainly felt emotionally turned upside down the other night.   I think he has begun to train me. I felt his power over me increase exponentially. Does it scare me? Yes. Will that stop me in my pursuit of serving him? No. I wish to serve him and be his in any way he wishes. I won’t shy away from what is hard. Life has shown me plenty of hard and I’m still here and still asking for more. I’m certain there are lessons to be learned and things I want to experience. For now, I will be his and offer myself wholeheartedly. I love him. I’m his completely. 

Spaced Out

 Saturday something happened. Something I couldn’t control. Something that spun me. I’ll tell you about it.

After our picnic on the couch, we were relaxing and enjoying the house.  We planned to leave for our shuttle in about a half hour so we had a little time though not really enough to fully play.

We talked a little about the sex shop we had visited on the way up. While at the sex shop we had looked at collars.  He had said he wasn’t sure about putting one on me because it would inhibit his access to that dangerous spot on my neck that he uses to torment me. He held up a collar to my neck as an example and bit me there unexpectedly.  It startled me, more than I’d like to admit. 

Now again, on the couch, he decided to torment me. He kissed me fervently then he put a finger under my chin to force it up so that I extended my neck.  I felt vulnerable and exposed. I knew what was coming. My breathing immediately increased pace.  He leaned in and started to go for that part of my neck. I pulled back. I couldn’t stop from doing it.  He gripped the back of my head curling his fingers in my hair to stop me. Now he had me trapped and continued his torment on my neck.  His lips touched that spot and I couldn’t pull away so my hand came up to hold him back and he slapped it away.  He was going to have what he wanted.  Without knowing it, at this point I’m pretty sure I subbed out.  It’s only happened once before this strongly and it was a very similar situation. It seems to happen when he is absolute in his command. My world narrowed until he was my whole existence.  He was my link to survival because he had utterly complete control. I was thrown into a trance-like state. 

He ordered me onto the chaise lounge on my back.  I sat at the corner as directed and leaned back.  He pushed my knees to my chest and entered me while standing. In this position, he fucked me so deeply.  He touched depths I’m pretty sure have never been touched.  It was wicked good.  Strangely, while I’m in this trance state and he’s fucking me it comes to me that our time is limited and I realize he’s about to stop.  

As he rose and said the same thing that was on my mind, it felt like the world imploded in on me.  I was suddenly and inexplicably tossed adrift in space as if my tether had been cut. He was standing over me asking me if I was okay but I was so many atmospheres away I had trouble responding. I know I automatically said, “Yes, I’m okay.” But I honestly had no idea.  My response was just a reflex because I’m trained to respond to him and I never want him to worry.

I knew I had to find myself and my way back fast because I was about to ruin our plans and the night I had arranged. I stood bolt upright to go to the bathroom and sat right back down when I couldn’t balance myself. He caught me and was talking at me. I was trying to respond and not lose it at the same time. I heard him joke and laugh but I wasn’t mentally there yet.  

Finally I made it to the bathroom and pieced myself back together.  We did make it to the concert, I did snap out of sub space somehow…pure force of will because I had to. I don’t advise this method to anyone.

I felt trapped by the circumstances but I should have said, “No, I’m really not okay,” and let my Dominant take proper care of me. Some lessons are hard.  Asking for help…not my strong suit.

Image by Sadisuto and used under CC License 3.0 with attribution and found here: http://sadisuto.deviantart.com/art/Yandere-Trance-Catherine-339979050