Do you like your submission with a dose of pain?  What does the pain do to put us into sub space?  Does it send you flying or does it bring you fully back to earth?  I think the answer is different for each person.

Mr. D and I talked a little about letting go last night.  About what I meant by wanting to let go in the Skirting the Edge post.  I have a twofold answer to the question of how I’d like to let go.  First, I’d like to experience emotional letting go.  To communicate more freely, to not worry about what is going on in the other person’s head so much, but to honestly communicate and let the chips fall where they may.  Part of this means letting loose verbally and also in action during a scene.  What is it that would allow me to do that?  Is it only permission I need?  Or is it something inside me that needs to change?  I believe to it is both. 

When I need to communicate about something difficult, live and in person, I find myself freezing up.  I feel the silence lengthening and suffocating me from all sides.  It is as if I’m in a bubble of viscous clouds and the more I punch at it the further the edges retreat and the more alone I am inside.  But it is only me doing that.  It is so frustrating.  There is a crucial build up of discomfort in that state and eventually it is more painful not to talk than to face it.  But why go through that turmoil?  I’m still working on that one. 

Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I emulate this quote more now that I’m in the midst of the discovery, finally.  Now that I have a taste of what is possible, I will not go back in that damned bud.  Not for nothing.

The other letting go, the part having to do with the pain is something different.  I haven’t gone there yet, but I have this thought about catharsis that leads me towards pain as an answer.  I think that if I were brought to a place with pain, a place where my psyche was overwhelmed by the sensation of the pain, that I would let go emotionally.  That I would then be able to drop all the multitudes of thought and refuse that floats around in my mind and be allowed to just experience the sensation and feelings.  That is how I think about sub-space.  Am I right about that?  I’m not sure.

I do know Mr. D has brought me to that place through some of the things he’s done and not necessarily through pain.  So, perhaps I’m off base.  I don’t know.  But I feel a need to explore this lifestyle, to explore my feelings through it, to push the envelope.  I’m very fortunate to have found Mr. D to walk with on this path.