Trepidation 

  

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that something is wrong?  I woke up feeling that way. My go to reaction is self blame.  My list of things to do today is not insurmountable, everything on the surface looks fine, but still I feel a heaviness.  

Rather than walk around like I’m beaten before I begin, I need to get off my ass and attack this day.  I’ve been strong in my life but not always proactive.  I’m a hard ass worker but not always in a smart, directed way.  Time for change. 

I’ve been letting the tail wag the dog too much.  Time to get off my ass and make change happen the way I want it.
Image from Pixabay through CC0 Public Domain

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Embrace

rend the veil, let the facade fall 

 

relinquished to your touch

 

melting in your hand

 

heart nestled in your pocket

 

kept safe from harm

 

arms wrapped round, a blanket

 

rest for a hundred years…

Force

I read a post today on another submissive’s blog where she talked about being forced up against a wall. Feeling the cold drywall on your face and breasts while his hand grips your hair and his other roams your body, violating you.  Mr. D did this to me, it was divine.  It was so carnal and sent me straight into a gasping tunnel spiraling towards subspace.  

He did it in part because I had sent him an image where the man held his woman just that way so you could see the side of her face, the small of her back arched with her fine ass pushed out against her will…his hand caressing, ready to strike.  I sent it during work, bad girl.  He was burning Dominant fuel by the time I got home to him.

I loved it, I should have expected it but I didn’t.  You never know if your thoughts, pictures, or texts will resonate strongly or mildly.  I was in a sultry teasing mood and this was the fallout.  The thing that has me thinking about this tonight is subspace and how I seem to get there.  It appears to be linked with anger, anxiety, and fear.  So far, it doesn’t seem to be linked as much with pain as I expected. It is completely related to how Mr. D treats me mentally and my reaction to that treatment.

I’m not sure what a mind fuck is but I wonder if this would fall into that category.  Twice I fell hard into subspace.  Both times Mr. D wasn’t mad, angry or even mildly miffed but he was fully present in his Dominant state.  His tone, his demands, his whole persona changed in my eyes.  He became fierce, there was no possible way to deny him.  I may not explain this well but I trusted him and still felt scared.  I was afraid of doing anything against his will or anything not as he demanded.  It became essential to my survival to acquiesce and obey.  At the point of feeling that ultimate Dominance overpower me, I slipped into deep subspace.

So now I know how to get there.  That is important, especially since I want to find that place again.  Since achieving subspace, I think about it often.  The experience is unparalleled.  It’s like being wrapped in a blanket of Him.  Nothing but his words and his presence exists.  It is the most intimate connection I’ve ever experienced.

I wonder, though, can fear be the trigger?  If so, it may not be the only trigger but it is the strongest one for me so far.  I’ve read about others being triggered by pain, by a violet wand, by all sorts of things.  It seems to be quite individual and variable.  

I wonder about my reaction because it may relate to my past and this may be key to some needed healing.  I was in a relationship with someone who had major anger problems.  His anger was so unreasonable, so violent and scary.  When he was drunk it was worse.  I spent several years with a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I walked on eggshells all the time.  It became my way of life to get through the fire.  So, after leaving and starting my life anew, I wonder about wanting to experience similar sensations again. Am I insane to want this?  I wonder how I can go there again even in a safe way.  It’s as if my fear has morphed into my kink somehow.

It’s not something I have any control over so I can’t say I’m doing this to be stronger or face my fears.  I’m not.  If it will help me to let go of the past somehow I think that would be a wonderful side effect.  But honestly, I just want to keep experiencing this with Mr. D.  If the intensity of our connection causes sparks to fly and my past made that happen then I will proudly wear my scars, internal or otherwise.

Threshold

The last time Mr. D and I played he used a small, rubber whip it.  I don’t exactly know what it’s called.  It is short, has a thin handle and long stretchy rubber noodles coming out of the end.  He whips me with the noodles and ouch, do they sting! I brought Mr. D a gift that day. I had purchased some bondage tape and a small vibrator. He decided to bind my breasts with the tape. He sat in his big chair and had me lean forward over his lap. He wrapped the thick black tape around each breast and then bound them together. After he bound my breasts he had me lie on my back in the middle of the bed. Just getting to the middle of the bed was a challenge. My breasts were so heavy like that, standing out from my body. I had to support them with my hands.

After a few moments of getting into position and adjusting to the tape Mr. D raised my knees to my chest and climbed between my legs.  His pushed himself inside me and for a few blissful moments all I could focus on was the pleasure of him inside me. Briefly, he leaned forward and the weight of him on my bound breasts was intense. Once he was quite deep inside he told me to grab ahold of the bed frame.  His bed headboard has a section of posts in the middle of it that I can hold onto.  He commanded me to not let go.  He knows this is torture for me because I don’t get to touch him.  I honestly think that touch is a stronger sense for me than the other senses.  At least I feel bereft in some visceral way when I’m bound or commanded not to touch. After our sessions when I’ve been bound I feel a disconnected empty feeling until I get to touch him again.  It’s strange but I know it happens.  Aftercare makes that feeling go away.

As Mr. D took me, he began to whip my breasts.  Damn it hurt.  I love being under his control and feeling what he wants me to feel.  I can’t hold back how the pain feels like I used to.  I feel more confident that my reactions aren’t going to make him stop the play these days.  It’s actually rather amazing to be able to express pain or hurt to someone.  I’m so used to covering those feelings that I do it naturally.  I suppose most people do. But with the level of pain that he was inflicting on my breasts with the whip, there was no holding back.  I could barely stand it.  After a while, I was bearing it and wanted to call my safe word but I kept thinking, I can do this, I can stand it.  I was desperate to protect myself at one point and let go of the bed posts.  My whole body cried out for me to cross my arms over my burning breasts but I didn’t.  I let go of the bed and brought my arms down but didn’t cross them or touch him.  I kept them out of his way.  At that point he stopped for a few moments.

“You’re messing with Daddy’s head little girl. You have this tortured looked on your face but every time I start striking you again you get wetter and wetter. Makes me wonder.”  It makes me wonder too.  And he was right, too.  Once he said that, I realized that we were both slick with my wetness from belly to thigh.  I’ve only been that kind of wet a few times and each time it was when he was bringing me pain.

The odd thing is that if you gave me my choice, I wouldn’t choose this kind of pain. My thought is that I like long spankings where there is a lot of prep and warm up.  Then the pain builds and isn’t so stingy.  But I can’t deny how my body reacts.  There’s no faking that.  Somewhere buried deep inside me, I crave this pain and his domination.  I think a big part of the intense passion he provokes with this pain is from his dominance.  He demands I submit to the pain so I do and the result is me turning into a sodden mess under him.