Focus

With the impending move, I feel like our lives are on hold or in a curve of the road. At any time, the wheel will turn and we’ll be heading in a different direction. It puts me in a holding pattern. For someone so focused on forward movement and
the ever present to-do list, it is challenging for me. Mr. D moved in not too long ago now. We’re past the unpacking but still in the organizing/downsizing/hanging pictures phase. Now the pictures just sit on the floor in the bedroom. I want to hang his pictures, make him feel like this is his home too. But, soon it won’t be. What does a nesting submissive do in this situation?
So far, I am continuing to do many of the things I set out to do in order to make our dynamic work in a house with a child. I serve Mr. D in all the ways I am able. I cook the family dinner most nights. I dress for him. I’ve only worn pants to work 3 days over the past 2 months. I have a growing selection of dresses I wear expressly to please him. I’m close to converting my entire wardrobe to ultra-feminine clothes that please Daddy. I get compliments all the time at work now. Even for a conservative place, I’m able to step up my femininity so that when I arrive home from work Daddy is pleased with what he sees. I’m still working on wearing makeup more often. I’ve been lax on that since motherhood took over my life and it’s slow to return. I do wear it for him when we go out but I want to be better at this for him. Like any new habit, I try to start it, and then I have to try again when I completely forget that it was a goal.
I’m taking good care of all of us with food selections. I do my best to feed my men healthy meals. I keep the house as clean as I’m able with as packed as our little place is with stuff. Each month I take a couple boxes of things to the Salvation Army. Slowly and steadily I make small changes and we become more organized and more comfortable in our space.
Last night, Mr. D and I looked online at houses in the Dallas area. I felt excited to see all the possibilities there. We saw several houses and narrowed down a bit what we each like and want in a home. The houses are larger there and less costly than here. It makes me happy and hopeful to focus on the fun, exciting part of our coming move. I’m pretty good at not stressing about the hard parts generally. I consciously have to choose not to think about those things at all and to put them away for now. Things like, how will my son react to moving? Will he settle in and be happy there? Will his dad fight us over moving him out of state? How will all this work? Am I going to make one of my men unhappy so the other will be happy? How do I follow my heart and still be true to being a good mom? At the moment, I choose to set this entire mental conversation aside. It’s pointless. One day at a time. At least I learned that from Alanon.

Arrival

Mr. D and I arrived to our hotel on Wednesday.  We are attending a Vegas Bash having to do with body acceptance for bigger people.  He’s been part of this community many years and I’m only being introduced to it this year.  In his past, he’s enjoyed many trysts at the bashes with many people.  He is the life of the party and many know him and his crew here. I had heard about the bashes for a long time and this would be my first one. 

We got to our room and were unpacking our luggage.  Mr. D sat in a sofa chair and beckoned me over.  “Kneel,” he said.  I knelt in between his legs. “This week is about us.  We are going to have fun and relax and enjoy our family.  This week is about you and about me. No one else.”  I smiled and nodded and put my arms around him.  I have so much love for this man.  He makes me feel so loved and protected and cared for in so many ways.

From what Daddy has told me, bashes can end up being a lot of partying and sex.  Many hook-ups happen and since we are an open couple and he’s been promiscuous at bashes in the past, he was setting the tone for how we would behave at this event.  I felt my heart swell with joy that he wanted just me for this bash.  That won’t always be the case, he is desired by many.  I felt so cradled within his affection and care through his words and choice.

“You may rise,” he said.  As soon as I kissed him and returned to unpacking he called me back. “Wait, I wasn’t done with you.”  He pointed to the floor and I knelt before him again.  “Close your eyes.” I obeyed and knelt waiting.  “Ok, open them.”

When I looked up he had a white jewelry box on his chest.  He had a smile on his face.  “Open it.” Inside were the most beautiful diamond and emerald earrings.  They have a floating emerald that moves and sparkles in the light with a swath of diamonds curling around it.  The sides are filigreed in a delicate pattern of swoops and curls.  They are the most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know what to say, they were so beautiful.  He had gotten me a charm for my charm bracelet to commemorate our trip already.

I fumbled my words. “Oh Daddy, they are beautiful. You already got me the charm.”  How could he be so wonderful?  How do I deserve such a man and such gifts?

“I can spoil you.  You’d better get used to it because you’re mine.”  I beamed and my heart did a little happy dance in my chest.  I put them on.  As luck would have it, I brought three green dresses for the occasions of the bash.  It didn’t really matter what I wore though because I knew I wasn’t taking those earrings off. 

I love him so.  He doesn’t need to shower me with jewels just having him is the best gift I could hope for.  

Daddy’s Day

I love Mr. D so much.  We have change coming.  Daddy had been offered a job in another state.  He found out about it on Friday.  It is a great opportunity.  He’s been in many states, I’ve always lived in one place.  He is my life now.  Where ever we go, we go together. 

This morning while we were having sex Daddy said, “We are one. Say it.”

“We are one Daddy.”

“That’s right.”

I love him desperately, wholly and always.  I have not had a love like this before.  

I think of myself as strong.  I can do anything, handle whatever comes.  I worry about the loves in my life.  I want Daddy fulfilled, I want my son happy and growing into a man and I want all my family happy and around me.

This Father’s Day I will honor my Father and Daddy in different ways.  My Dad will have his kids around him and my cooking.  Daddy will have me.  I will be his and take a deep breath and we’ll figure out where our lives go next…together.

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Happy 2nd Anniversary Daddy.  I love everything about our life together.  I’m so happy we are living together and are a family now. 

Every day gives me more reasons to love you and I feel so honored to be yours.  I am in awe of how easily our lives melded together this past week.  We were careful and waited for the boy for which I’m ever grateful.  I know beyond any doubt that I would have been by your side constantly after that first weekend if not for my responsibilities.  I am still so touched and awed by how you consider my needs and his in your choices and your thoughts.  

I’m never had a love that felt so right, so perfect.  I’ve never felt so as one with anyone in my life.  I am completely fulfilled being yours and fitting into the place that I call home on your chest, tucked under your protective arm.  

Everyone is made differently.  I do all I can to fit into what people need and want.  I care for them and love that care.  With you it is effortless.  I am whole in service to you and in love with you Daddy.  I’ve never before felt quite as comfortable as the me I am.   Your dominance encircles my submission and completes it.

I am ever intoxicated by you.  Your words are the source of a flame that burns ever more brightly the more we play and dance this erotic dance.  I feel your heat, it lights a passion in me that is so strong and palpable.  It is my air.  

You are my everything Daddy.  Happy Anniversary.

Happy

Daddy has been teaching at work this week so has gone in a little later than normal. This means he’s been leaving about the time I wake up normally. Unless I’m really tired, I wake up during his morning routine so I can be with him and say goodbye. What this has meant is that I’m up just a little early. This morning my son is off to school with his dad. I sat in bed and enjoyed the morning. I made coffee and masturbated thinking about the fun Daddy and I had last night. He had the evening planned and took advantage of me when I returned from dropping my son at his father’s. I’ll tell you more about last night in another post.

This morning was so nice. I feel like everything is right in my world. Daddy is home. I had a certain low level of tension resident in my mind constantly about him or my son. When I was with one, I’d wonder and worry just a little bit about the other. Are they okay? Are they happy today? Do they need me to x, y, or z? Typical ‘mom’ or ‘submissive’ cares and worries, I suppose, but it was always there. Daddy doesn’t like being alone and my son has issues with his father so either way, I worried a little. That’s life when you care about your loves.

This morning though, I still had those tethers out to both my men but the lines were quiet. I feel more at peace this morning knowing they are both with me now a majority of the time. Content and that all is good, everyone is okay, all my loves are taken care of for the moment.

I’ve noticed that tether since the minute my son was born. It was something I had not noticed until then, that constant care, that connection, that link to another person. I feel that with Daddy too. I’m not sure when in the past two years it grew but it is a thick, strong cable now.

Together

Mr. D moved in over the weekend. We’ve had a couple days of settling in.  We’re still unpacking things here and there but this week has generally been a slice of normal day-to-day life.  

My son is getting used to Mr. D being there everyday after school.  We’ve had family dinner each night and the consistency and routine of family time at the table is so defining.  With one child to feed and myself not a high priority, dinner was hit and miss at times.  I’d make something simple for the boy and he’d eat on the couch many an evening. He feels the change and I’m happy for it.  I love taking care of my new family. 

Evenings have been relaxed and enjoyable.  Mr. D gets up earlier then us so we’re finding a routine of adult time at his bedtime then I have solo time with my son afterwards for remaining homework and bedtime.  

It’s new to have sex in a tiny home with my teenager in the other room but we accomplished it one night so far.  It was quiet but still hot and needy.  One more variety to add to our repertoire. 

All-in-all it’s been a perfect first week together.

Expectations

The marathon happened on Thursday.  Today Daddy had me write for him and while he read it he had me worship his cock. He thanked me for my honesty in writing and asked if there was anything I’d change about Thursday’s play.  We talked about things we could do to help put the day behind us so that I would be better able to be fully in the moment on the week days.  

This brought more talk and it turned out to be a really wonderful sharing between us. I write for many reasons.  One of them is that I still work on ways to communicate better.  I hesitate to bring things up at times or to speak up.  I work really hard to communicate fully.  I realize that it is my failing so I do everything I can to mitigate that. Writing all the thoughts and actions of our dynamic from my point of view gives Daddy another way to see me and guide us. 

Because we talked things out so thoroughly, I have less of a need to write about Friday night but I will do so anyway.  I arrived at Mr. D’s house later than usual. My evening had devolved from the normal routine so after a long day I was harried and tired.  I showed up unshowered and in my work clothes.  As we said our hellos and he finished the show he was watching, I kept yawning. The marathon sex the night before had kept us up pretty late.

He said I could have a shower then we’d relax in the bedroom. Once I was clean we got in bed and next thing I know I’m between his legs sucking his cock.  How did I get there?  The usual way of one thing leading to another.  

We moved on to sex.  I was so tired I don’t remember specifics.  I know I rallied.  I know he took me to that place where our passion transcends everything else. I know I was shocked at how incredibly wet I got.  Whatever he did it triggered me big time.  I felt how wet I was as he thrust inside me, I could feel the wetness seep to the sheets under me. 

He got between my legs and was pleasing me.  I was rhything under him and he told me that he would keep doing what he was doing but I would have to direct him.  He wanted me to tell him faster, slower, harder, etc.  I know what he wanted.  I thought he was a dear sweet Daddy for wanting to know exactly how to please me.  Right then though I was so tired there was just no way I could.  I told him, “I don’t know Daddy. I don’t know!”  It was a hard enough task if I had been awake.  Half asleep it was impossible.

He began fucking me again and looked down into my eyes. “What’s wrong? You look pained.”  He stopped and looked down at me waiting for an answer.

“Daddy, I’m… I’m just so tired.”  I moaned. “I’m sorry.” I was upset all of a sudden.

“We didn’t have to have sex silly woman.  I brought you in here to rest.  Roll over, go to sleep.”  He pushed me over and threw the blanket over me. I closed my eyes.  I was so exhausted right then but I was immediately so sad.  

In my diminished state I got so disappointed at myself.  I didn’t want to let him down.  And then I did even worse and gave him sex with a zombie sleepy woman, great. And I let myself down by not speaking up for myself, one of my very worst shortcomings.  It was a trifecta of me fucking up.

Right then I heard from the other side of the bed, “Get out of your head, I’m not upset with you.” I nodded and tears just started rolling.  He can read my damned thoughts now too.  I can’t hide at all, I was a mess. I pulled him around me and held onto him for support.  Oh, how I love him for knowing me, for seeing what I go through and why. And most of all for taking care of me so well. I am truly blessed to be his.