Back from Heaven

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly heaven but 7 days in Cancun with Daddy was pretty amazing.  I had him to touch and hold and talk with for a whole week.  That part was divine. 

We were there to be witnesses to Goddess and El Jefe’s ten year vow renewal.  They had family and friends along for the event. Some of the guests were fun, some were crazy, some were kink-friendly and some were downright weird.  All-in-all it was an eventful week.  

The wedding was lovely.  Goddess was beautiful, El Jefe was handsome, my Sweetie was their well-spoken and touching minister.  Our friend Painted Lady was the maid of honor and I was a bridesmaid.  

Daddy and I were responsible for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.  I’ll have to tell you all about them.  They both had a little crazy aspect to them, as it should be.  We had a fun time of it. 

More to come soon.  I just wanted to stop by and say hello! 

Daddy’s Home

I’m at the airport waiting for his plane.  I’m so excited to have Daddy home!  I get him for a full week and then some.  Pure heaven.  

I’m aching to touch him. I’m aching for lots of things but mainly I desperately want to feel him and be near him. 

😊😊😊😊😊

Baby Steps

Writing in the land of missing him has seemed insurmountable. But I must.  Everyday I don’t speak is another day that I’m not connected to myself and to him. 

I heard a lyric this morning that reminds me of how he makes me feel.  There is an unquenchable heat between us.  He lights a fire I knew was there but never had any kindling or oxygen.  

I wanted to share the song with you.  Two weeks until he’s in my arms for a glorious week of time.  My life is measured now in time.  The time until he’s with me. 

Click Here to Listen

Stop and Start

That’s me, the queen of stopping and starting again.   I suppose (so, I tell myself) that dedication does not always come in a long unbroken chain.  We all have fits of downtime, hard time, or breaks in our stride.  Clearly many more are better than I am but I pride myself on (at the very least) my dedication to beginning again. 

So, here I am for the long haul.  I’m dedicated to writing.  I’m dedicated to my Dominant.  I’m dedicated to my son and my family.  Now, what am I going to do?

What I’m going to do has been the paramount question on my mind for months now.  My son’s life is here, my Sweetheart is now in Texas.  What do I do?  When I ask for others opinions, I get them.  But really I get that person’s point of view.  They don’t quite  understand how I am so the help doesn’t seem useful.  I dearly love them all for trying.  But bottom line, I will have to make a decision and no matter which way I go, it will break someone’s heart. 

My Daddy wants me with him and I want to be with him to have our amazing life together.  But to do that I must take my son away from all he’s known and his father.  How can I choose?

Several people say, just take your son, your Ex will just have to deal with it.  That feels so crass and heartless.  The words make me recoil.  Just because he’s an Ex and he did some pretty crappy things while being an active drunk doesn’t mean it’s ok to take his son away.  He got sober.  He’s been sober for years now.  He’s a completely dedicated father.  He is selfish and lacks insight when dealing with his son but is that just cause to lose his son’s proximity?

My Daddy is in Texas now.  He chose a position that will free him from his financial bonds.  It has allowed him to make up a huge chunk of ground he lost during the recession.  He wants financial stability for our future instead of a long struggle.  I totally understand that.  We can buy a house there, a nice house for all of us.

I want to be with him always.  I can’t think of missing him too much or I start crying and I can’t lose myself to that.  I’ve never loved someone like this before.  In all honesty, I loved my Ex but nothing like this.  Daddy and I have a connection unlike any I’ve ever felt.  He compliments me, the real me, like no other.  He is so intelligent he puts me to shame sometimes.  I love our banter.  I love that he picks up on things others do not.  He is funny and lighthearted then dark and intensely sexual. All the facets of him feed the facets in my heart and soul.  He loves my son for who he is.  My son has challenges and is deeply into his puberty at the moment but Daddy sees his goodness and overlooks his growing pains.  

When Daddy moved in we were able to grow in the direction of a nuclear family.  We achieved a routine of sorts in the short time we had together.  Family dinners most nights, playing games, the little things of a complete life. My son was so enamored of it.  So was I.  We were a complete family together.  Our D/s suffered in the transition but I knew we’d eventually figure that out.  We are both focused on not letting that ever slip away. 

Now I must choose.  How do I choose?  Either way my son suffers.  If I stay, he loses out on a nuclear family.  If I go, he will be distanced from his father and will most likely have to go through a legal battle which (knowing his father’s slowness to forgive) could stain their relationship forever. 

Daddy says he will wait for me no matter what it takes.  His level of selflessness and willingness to sacrifice rival any submissive act I could ever offer him.  How can I ask this beautiful man to wait years for me?  

So, there is my torture with all my angst and anxiety.  I have laid myself bare.  Any thoughts you have for us would be welcome.  

Here I Am Again

Starting again and over again. It’s a thing I do.  It’s much better than quitting completely.  Trust me.  That is the worst.  I am consistently inconsistent.  😅

So, what’s happening in your world? Lots, you say?  Mine too. 

Daddy is off to Texas again.  This time for two weeks.  We had trips and holidays, family time and together time.  All during this time we were sick.  Ugh. I am over the whole sick routine.  Off to the Doctor tomorrow because the chest rattle is still around.

I have many great things to tell you so don’t go running off like you do.  Oh wait, that was me.  My bad.

As Daddy says, “Stress is not my friend.” I tend to shut off and internalize when I’m trying to work a problem.  I will explain as I get back into our story.

Love and hugs for now.

Amor 

Focus

With the impending move, I feel like our lives are on hold or in a curve of the road. At any time, the wheel will turn and we’ll be heading in a different direction. It puts me in a holding pattern. For someone so focused on forward movement and
the ever present to-do list, it is challenging for me. Mr. D moved in not too long ago now. We’re past the unpacking but still in the organizing/downsizing/hanging pictures phase. Now the pictures just sit on the floor in the bedroom. I want to hang his pictures, make him feel like this is his home too. But, soon it won’t be. What does a nesting submissive do in this situation?
So far, I am continuing to do many of the things I set out to do in order to make our dynamic work in a house with a child. I serve Mr. D in all the ways I am able. I cook the family dinner most nights. I dress for him. I’ve only worn pants to work 3 days over the past 2 months. I have a growing selection of dresses I wear expressly to please him. I’m close to converting my entire wardrobe to ultra-feminine clothes that please Daddy. I get compliments all the time at work now. Even for a conservative place, I’m able to step up my femininity so that when I arrive home from work Daddy is pleased with what he sees. I’m still working on wearing makeup more often. I’ve been lax on that since motherhood took over my life and it’s slow to return. I do wear it for him when we go out but I want to be better at this for him. Like any new habit, I try to start it, and then I have to try again when I completely forget that it was a goal.
I’m taking good care of all of us with food selections. I do my best to feed my men healthy meals. I keep the house as clean as I’m able with as packed as our little place is with stuff. Each month I take a couple boxes of things to the Salvation Army. Slowly and steadily I make small changes and we become more organized and more comfortable in our space.
Last night, Mr. D and I looked online at houses in the Dallas area. I felt excited to see all the possibilities there. We saw several houses and narrowed down a bit what we each like and want in a home. The houses are larger there and less costly than here. It makes me happy and hopeful to focus on the fun, exciting part of our coming move. I’m pretty good at not stressing about the hard parts generally. I consciously have to choose not to think about those things at all and to put them away for now. Things like, how will my son react to moving? Will he settle in and be happy there? Will his dad fight us over moving him out of state? How will all this work? Am I going to make one of my men unhappy so the other will be happy? How do I follow my heart and still be true to being a good mom? At the moment, I choose to set this entire mental conversation aside. It’s pointless. One day at a time. At least I learned that from Alanon.

Arrival

Mr. D and I arrived to our hotel on Wednesday.  We are attending a Vegas Bash having to do with body acceptance for bigger people.  He’s been part of this community many years and I’m only being introduced to it this year.  In his past, he’s enjoyed many trysts at the bashes with many people.  He is the life of the party and many know him and his crew here. I had heard about the bashes for a long time and this would be my first one. 

We got to our room and were unpacking our luggage.  Mr. D sat in a sofa chair and beckoned me over.  “Kneel,” he said.  I knelt in between his legs. “This week is about us.  We are going to have fun and relax and enjoy our family.  This week is about you and about me. No one else.”  I smiled and nodded and put my arms around him.  I have so much love for this man.  He makes me feel so loved and protected and cared for in so many ways.

From what Daddy has told me, bashes can end up being a lot of partying and sex.  Many hook-ups happen and since we are an open couple and he’s been promiscuous at bashes in the past, he was setting the tone for how we would behave at this event.  I felt my heart swell with joy that he wanted just me for this bash.  That won’t always be the case, he is desired by many.  I felt so cradled within his affection and care through his words and choice.

“You may rise,” he said.  As soon as I kissed him and returned to unpacking he called me back. “Wait, I wasn’t done with you.”  He pointed to the floor and I knelt before him again.  “Close your eyes.” I obeyed and knelt waiting.  “Ok, open them.”

When I looked up he had a white jewelry box on his chest.  He had a smile on his face.  “Open it.” Inside were the most beautiful diamond and emerald earrings.  They have a floating emerald that moves and sparkles in the light with a swath of diamonds curling around it.  The sides are filigreed in a delicate pattern of swoops and curls.  They are the most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know what to say, they were so beautiful.  He had gotten me a charm for my charm bracelet to commemorate our trip already.

I fumbled my words. “Oh Daddy, they are beautiful. You already got me the charm.”  How could he be so wonderful?  How do I deserve such a man and such gifts?

“I can spoil you.  You’d better get used to it because you’re mine.”  I beamed and my heart did a little happy dance in my chest.  I put them on.  As luck would have it, I brought three green dresses for the occasions of the bash.  It didn’t really matter what I wore though because I knew I wasn’t taking those earrings off. 

I love him so.  He doesn’t need to shower me with jewels just having him is the best gift I could hope for.