Home Again

I have wonderful news to share. Mr. D interviewed for a job here and got it. He will be coming home to me! After a year of flying back and forth to see each other we will be in the same home sharing the same bed every night. Yay yay yay!

I loved many parts of this year but I’m so glad it is coming to an end. I loved going to visit Daddy. I loved the dedicated alone time we had when I flew there. It was like our own BDSM hideaway. I will miss that. I will miss our new state and the people there. It was a beautiful state with friendly people. I loved that we toured around like tourists together.

I think it is the pain slut in me when I say I’ll miss missing him. I hated leaving at the end of every trip but I liked feeling those feelings. Odd to say that I liked my tears but they did show me how deeply I love him and how anchored my submission to him is in my heart.

So, it will take some time and planning but he is coming home!

Following

I was responding to a comment and something came up that I thought I’d bring to a more public place for discussion. Those of us that write a blog all have certain things we do as part of this blogging way of life. It’s not just write, publish and reap millions of readers’ love and adoration. Is it? I mean, if it is for you that’s insanely good. Move along, there’s nothing for you here.

Like I said in my last post, this is a blogging platform not specifically a social one. If you want it to become a social one you have to work at it. Most followers at the beginning to middle stages of a blog are other blog writers. We’re interested and we’re here a lot more than general readers. It just stands to reason that we are each other’s audience to a great extent. What that means is that there is reciprocation needed. You can’t just write and move on with your day if you want to build a community.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a blog post about someone’s guilt related to not reading all their followers’ posts. I feel that guilt all the time. I’m sure many of you do too…I’ve read it. I’ve gone back and forth with this guilt. I’ve tried to read through and comment on every subscription email I receive on your posts. I’ve tried to have a laissez-faire attitude of “I’ll read the ones that really interest me,” because I can’t read them all. Then I’ve fallen completely off the wagon and deleted them all in one swift fire sale of frustration. I haven’t found the sweet spot of following.

My question is what do you do? How do you handle the flow? How do you build community? I see some folks who have succeeded. They have a nice group of consistent commenters and they are having a grand time. I post a comment in the midst of their conversation and it makes me smile. I feel the glow coming from their light.

I know not everyone has the same goal. People blog for many different reasons. My own reasons vacillate back and forth. I write because I love to write. I write for my Dominant. He loves to read and it thrills me to thrill him. This is a way I can serve him and show my love. He likes to use my writing to assess how I did with his choice of scenes. He is a process thinker, an engineer. He needs input and I don’t always want to talk it all through. I love talking to him but I don’t always volunteer information, so I write and it’s

another way to communicate.

I am a social person and a service person. My submission to Daddy has a big service element. My work and parenting also have a service element. This means that I don’t do anything in a vacuum or just for myself. Which leads me to realize that I need to give weight to that in my writing endeavors too. I thrive on feedback. I thrive in a community. When the community or service aspect of my writing dwindles, I stop wanting to write as much.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on building a blogging community, how you are a good follower or why you write. Thank you to all who read and follow me. You are truly my lifeblood here.

Why Write?

I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. It is a clear sign that I have writer’s fatigue. Right at this moment I don’t have a burning desire to write. When this happens I struggle with it. I want to write but it’s like slogging through mud in fishing boots.

I mentioned this to a friend I used to blog with back in the day. He said that perhaps I need more immediate feedback and that’s true. When I blogged on places like Yahoo 360 and Multiply there were whole communities of bloggers and it felt like Home. We riffed off each other’s writing and it was fun. I see that happening for many on this site but I haven’t been able to scratch the surface much. I am sporadic at times and this does not build a social group. Plus, WordPress is a classic blogging site rather than a social platform.

Perhaps, it’s that I’m writing about real life now instead of my fantasies. I’ve written two different blogs in the past. They were family-based or kink lifestyle-based in some fashion. I would bounce up and down the scale of dedication to both. Real life blogging is a unique type of storytelling. You actually need some real event to write about. You can’t tell a pithy or anecdotal story if nothing interesting happened that day. If you force it then it simply becomes FaceBook. This isn’t that.

My lifestyle blog in the past was about how I wanted to learn about the lifestyle. It was a good chunk of exploration with fantasy peppered throughout. Now I write about the lifestyle I currently live. It’s been suggested that I write some fantasy again. Ok.

But if someone is coming to a reality-based kink lifestyle blog do they really want to hear my fantasies? Maybe or maybe not.

What really irks me to no end and I’m sure bothers my Dominant is we’ve had some amazing scenes, one in particular, that I haven’t written. Every time I go over the events in my mind I can’t summon the words to do it justice. So, I get down on myself and that dampens the process further.

All this has been rumbling around in my mind while steaming hot scene writing has escaped me. Your thoughts are welcome.

High and Lows

I've noticed I go through highs and lows. Maybe it's hormones maybe I just miss Daddy. I don't know what it is. I just notice the cycle.

Right now is the low. I feel it cover me like a cloying blanket. I drag myself out of bed, drag myself to work, then I work like a fiend because I let work dominate my soul like that while I'm there.

Afterwards, I drag home and sit on the couch. Tonight, I have no child to care for so it's either easier or harder, I haven't decided. Easier, because when he's here I must care for him. Harder, because he distracts me with his teen all consuming everything, which is helpful.

Blah blah blah. No one wants to hear this. I don't even want to write it. I think it's only valuable as a journal-writing exercise that will hopefully vent the pent up steam. Masturbating every damned night ain't doin' it.

New Orders

I was at work the Wednesday before last and Daddy began texting me. He was abrupt and a little demanding. I was wrapping up some work and just heading to lunch with a girlfriend who was waiting outside my office.

Slut. What are your plans this weekend? I may have an assignment for you.

I had absolutely no plans for the weekend coming up which I told him. Usually I have something planned but I was going into a full week without my son and was a little bereft at the idea.

Ok. Your assignment will be to take care of someone who needs attention. Can you do that for me? Can you step out on a limb and trust me that it will be a good thing? No sex is involved unless you show intent or desire but initially on your terms.

As I headed out to my waiting girlfriend I felt a little frazzled and now I had Daddy sending me to a complete stranger? What is this new task? Who was this person? It had to be someone I know…right?

"Will you do this for me baby?"

"Yes Daddy, I will."

"Nervous baby? Anxious?" I was. I had my girlfriend right there who is a chatterbox on a good day and while she was talking away my mind was completely distracted by Daddy's task.

"I thought you might be. Are you turned on at all? You didn't even ask if it's a male or female." He wrote.

I quickly replied that I would serve who ever he wanted me to serve, male or female. One, I trusted him and two, he said sex would be my choice.

All through lunch I wondered about this task of his. Who could it be? Would he really send me someone to please sexually?

He sent one final text during lunch, "I won't keep you then. But you will have to do better this weekend. I need the attention."

I quickly replied in the affirmative and finished lunch with my girlfriend. I usually do not look at my phone at all when with friends. I want to give our friendship my full attention but Daddy had me spun.

After lunch I saw a text that had probably been waiting for a long while. "I tell you I'm coming for the weekend and that's all I get?" Wait! What??

It was Daddy. He was the person he wanted me to serve. He was coming home for the weekend! I was so surprised and ecstatic. He had been playing a little prank on me. He had booked travel and had it all arranged. I am one lucky girl.

Counting the Days

Good morning. Daddy is off enjoying a work conference this week.  It is long days and nights of team building with work mates.  I’m happy he gets to experience that. 

I am working hard on some work for my brother…not my usual day-to-day. It keeps me distracted. The daily grind gets boring for me but the minute someone says ‘special project’ I get wound up. Silly but that’s how I am. 

I had a recruiter tell me I’d be the best person she could hire for a job initially.  She said I’d be great for about 18 months but after that I’d be bored and move on. I had to agree with her.  I’m that way. I need the challenge.

Maybe that’s also why I love D/s and pain. I like the challenge. I crave the different. When Daddy pushes me to take his cock deeper and longer in my throat…I’m hooked. Push me to give more? Ok!

I miss him so much this morning. I have summer with my son to plan and no weekend picked out with Daddy yet. I want to be with him. I need him.  

I have a couple more things to write about from our last weekend but I wanted to write a little this morning not a big thing. 

I hope you are all enjoying summer wherever you are.  Hugs and kinky kisses. 

Back from Heaven

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly heaven but 7 days in Cancun with Daddy was pretty amazing.  I had him to touch and hold and talk with for a whole week.  That part was divine. 

We were there to be witnesses to Goddess and El Jefe’s ten year vow renewal.  They had family and friends along for the event. Some of the guests were fun, some were crazy, some were kink-friendly and some were downright weird.  All-in-all it was an eventful week.  

The wedding was lovely.  Goddess was beautiful, El Jefe was handsome, my Sweetie was their well-spoken and touching minister.  Our friend Painted Lady was the maid of honor and I was a bridesmaid.  

Daddy and I were responsible for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.  I’ll have to tell you all about them.  They both had a little crazy aspect to them, as it should be.  We had a fun time of it. 

More to come soon.  I just wanted to stop by and say hello! 

Starting Again

It has been ages since I’ve written.  So long now that this is well and truly a starting again.  Sigh. 

But I do want to start again so I will.  I left Daddy at the airport again today.  This living in two states and being a baby girl is turning me into a wilting flower.  I just think of leaving his side and I start weeping.  I’ve turned into one of those crazy  ladies who cry at airports.  A friend of mine’s mother would fall to pieces saying goodbye at airports. I thought it was terribly quaint and just a bit funny every time she did it.

But now, at some point during our drive or getting packed or saying goodbye I feel the tears. Daddy says, “No tears now,” and I feel quite vulnerable and well…baby girl.  I want to run into Daddy’s arms and have him tell me it’s okay.  But I put on a strong face and I act like my normal self to get through it. 

I feel unhinged but then I retreat into myself again to be the strong single mom.  He has uncovered my soft, utterly vulnerable, inner girl and I have to lock her away again each time. 

Sometimes it seems harder to find her again. This time Daddy was here for a week and I felt more my pragmatic shell of a self than usual. Financial concerns, work and parenting were hard to put aside. We didn’t have any alone time together.  Either my son was with us or we were caring for friends who needed our love and attention.  All good and necessary things but god I miss him.  

I miss being his baby girl. I miss being his submissive.  I want to be selfish and greedy but I try never to be that.  He is all I ever dreamed.  He is dirty and kinky.  He is so incredibly intelligent and caring.  He is my two sides in one person. My pragmatic mind finds a match in him. My business mind has a partner. My little girl has a protective Daddy. My dirty little slut has someone to make her debase herself for his pleasure. 

I had him all to myself for a while and I fear this new place we’re in. I fear at some point he’ll give me up. I fear this is too hard on him. I fear for his health, which is not good. I fear every little setback thinking it will be what breaks us. If there is a Divine plan at work please let us work, please let us find a way. I try everyday to believe we are okay and we will succeed.

Lastly, if I’m completely honest, I fear to write.  I’m afraid of saying something that will cause the protective Daddy in him to do something I don’t want because it’s for my own good.  I can’t stop that fear but I can force myself past it.  For good or ill, I will be brave and write. 

Homework

So, Daddy gave me a task.  Not the task I never wrote about.  Sorry folks…moving on.  He set me another similar task.  This time, it happened to be on my birthday.

Let me set the scene.  It was a hectic day.  I had family coming to take me to dinner for my birthday.  There was also a work party for me during the day.  All this was wonderful but for some reason I felt harried and stressed.  Probably because the days leading up to my special day were overlong and I was overworked.  My house was trashed and I had no time to clean it for the company that was arriving right after work.  Add the plethora of birthday calls and texts and I was ripe for overload. I know, first world problems. Poor loved thing, how dare they call and write and love me extra well! Sheesh. 

I knew I was on the edge for no apparent reason and blowing my lid at well wishers was bad form so I held it in.  My family all arrived and everyone was talking at me at once, usual family-fest. Right about then Daddy texted.  

“Baby girl, you have homework tonight. You will put in your new anal plug and masturbate for me. Understood?” I read this text while the whirlwind of voices and people whirled around me.  My initial reaction was not submissive at all, lemme tell ya.  Not anywhere near it.  My first thought was, Really? Today of all days?!?

Ok, not my finest submissive moment.  I answered in the affirmative and went back to be being a good hostess all the while I added this news to the jumble in my head. Evil and Angel marked off territory in my mind. 

Daddy is far away and it’s my birthday.  He wants me to feel him today of all days.  

Why am I to perform tasks for his pleasure on my birthday?

It’s not for him you idiot, he wants you to have some fun and some pleasure. 

I’m exhausted now and we haven’t even gone to dinner yet.  How the hell am I going to get rid of this gaggle early enough for this too?

The fight was arduous and ridiculous.  I’d say one side won because it would lend closure to the tale but really they were still at it when I finally got my child to bed and everyone out of the house. 

I laid in bed and thought, okay just close your eyes for a few minutes then do as you’re told. Regardless why he wanted me to or if I wanted to, I’m slave and I must obey.  At that point…you guessed it…I fell sound asleep.

Sidetracked

Ever start writing with the intention of saying one thing only to end up writing about an entirely different thing? Yeah, me too. That’s what happened in my last post.  I fully had the intention of writing something that fit with the title I gave it. But that’s not what came out.

I think when I haven’t written in a long time all the thoughts and feelings I would have written about are still bottled up inside.  I begin writing after a dry spell and once the first jammed up words are out all the other words come spurting out in all directions.  Yes, the visual there was intentional.  It IS a sex blog after all.

My title Sex, what’s that? was a lame segue from a long hiatus to writing about Daddy’s task for me tonight. But my emotions dragged me off elsewhere. It happens.  

We were family Facetiming and the sneaky man was able to give me direction in code to masturbate tonight for him.  It occurred to me after we disconnected that (1) the man is talented in running multiple layer conversations and (2) it has been a holy hell of a long time since I masturbated well.  

How does that happen?  I think I’m a fairly sex-driven individual.  How does that just turn off when he’s not around?  I know I was work and family focused but sheesh…sad. It’s been several weeks of blah.  I had a couple random vibrator/porn moments but I think I also fell asleep more than once thinking about masturbating without actually having bothered.  Lame. 

So, I have a task to do and I must find my mojo because I was directed to do it well.