Lessons in Recovery

Mr. D and I had an intense face fucking session over the weekend. We had a lot of cock sucking in general but I noticed my jaw felt that tired overworked sensation during the weekend.  

This morning I had a breakfast sandwich and wow, let me tell you, face fucking and sandwiches do not mix!  Damn!  Ouchie.  

One thing they don’t tell you about kink and edge play…recovery is a thing.  A real, time needed, force that deserves your attention. 

There is a very good reason for vanilla sex.  It’s what you do while you’re recovering from the BDSM play.  You just can’t take a beating then come back for another one tomorrow then the next day and the next.  

So, while I’m having soup this week, I’ll be fondly remembering this past weekend’s play.  😈

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Grief

Since my mother passed away, I find myself crying at the oddest times and for the strangest reasons. The grief of losing my her is there.   I am fine and yet it is there.  I’m learning more and more about how I process emotions these days.

During my divorce and surviving a relationship with an alcoholic, I felt numb.  I felt like they say survivors can feel.  We put aside our emotions and dull the pain by burying it.  Alcoholics train their victims and themselves to shut down emotion.  It is a defense mechanism.  They drink to hide their inner anguish and yell at family to stop showing how the drinking hurts them too.  It is a vicious cycle of guilt and pain.  Eventually, you stop feeling.  You grow cold and numb.  It was the coldness and compete absence of joy that finally woke me up. I had to float slowly back up from those depths.

Having an Ex in recovery and working through those feelings was harder and easier in ways I didn’t expect.  He also had to find his joy again and do it while sober. He built new coping skills.  He went through therapy.  He had many people guiding him.  The result of this was that he became someone who knows the process.  He looks at me and wants to ‘fix’ me too.  He actually wants to fix everyone he comes in contact with.  His hyper focus on healing and therapy has brought him to this strange place where that’s all he sees.  He sees everyone’s faults and psychoses and wants to ‘heal’ you too.  It’s the pendulum swing.  I hope and pray he gets over that too.

Before I realized this was happening, I listened to him to a greater extent.  He was better at recovery than I was.  I left him and my life got suddenly and quickly more normal.  I began to feel fine again. I didn’t go through a huge cathartic healing like he did.  But then I didn’t go through that many meetings or grief over my lost life. I did but in a different way. I had gone through so much anguish in the choosing to leave. Once I left though, I did not look back on my decision.  What’s done is done. 

So, here I am, seemingly fine.  Moving on with life.  Occasionally being told by my Ex that I must have this deep well of emotion buried in me that is going to break out and drown me.  His drowned him for a while, that was for sure.  I saw it and experienced it. I wondered about it.  Do I? Is there this scary buried well of emotion inside me just waiting to drown me?

I’ve talked about my many reasons for moving towards a D/s relationship. One of them had to do with this fear.  Can edge play push me to find that well and experience those emotions?  Is this a way to break out of the cocoon?  While playing with Mr. D, I have found myself being tested and prodded and my buttons pushed. I have experienced many emotions but nothing has triggered this possible well of pain to surface. I began to stop worrying about it so much. 

Now that I am grieving for my mom, a very hard emotional thing, I  see more about how I process emotion.  I am in pain.  I am grieving.  I feel it ebb and flow over me.  Most days now I am completely fine and life is good.  Some days, though, I can feel the emotion well up and I sob for a few minutes here and there.  Then it passes and I am fine again. 

Mr. D worried that our D/s might have resumed too soon. I understand that concern.  I can feel myself react to his play differently right now.  I am more fragile.  I can feel that and I see myself taking our play more to heart.  That’s okay.  It gives me chances to experience the well of emotion that is me.  Now that I see my way of dealing with life, I don’t fear that I’m some emotional ticking time bomb. 

Mr. D gave me the final piece to this puzzle the other day.  At my mom’s memorial a good friend of mine broke down and cried.  She got semi-mad at me and asked, “But why aren’t you crying, too?” She feels that I’m entirely too level, too happy most of the time. I’ve been told that by other friends.  They think I’m too even all the time.  That it’s weird, in their eyes, that nothing bothers me. I relayed her comments to Mr. D and he immediately said, “But you’ve been feeling it for weeks now.” He’s right.  I have.  

I’m done doubting myself and fearing that I don’t feel like others feel.  I don’t and that’s perfectly alright.  We all feel emotions in our own unique ways.  I allow for others to feel and react as they choose.  From now on, I will give myself the same courtesy.

Sore Throat

 
I have a sore throat right now.  Since Daddy and I play a lot with my throat in several ways, I have a feeling it has something to do with D/s play.  Recently, I’ve noticed that my voice is all raspy and the muscles inside my throat just feel tired and worked.

I kept it to myself for a week because it was intermittent and I’ve been visiting a hospital every day. I figured it could have come from any number of things including germs.  But it’s been over a week and I’m not sick. I have a sneaking suspicion it was from one particularly boisterous session we had over a week ago.  It was pretty intense and involved choking.

I’m still not absolutely sure what caused it but I told Daddy today so that I was being honest. I feel bad because I know it was just play and I don’t want to worry him. We are both completely committed to our play and I don’t want a temporary issue to get in the way of that.

Just like a bruised backside, this too shall pass.  Until then, it’s a good thing I write because I won’t be doing much talking. 🙂

Injury

I feel like a bad partner.  We thought Mr. D was fully healed but last night we had sex before going out to an event.  I wanted him so badly I practically begged him because it would put us late and I just didn’t care about that.  So, we had fast sex, which was so great.  If I haven’t seen him for a few days I just get wound tight and I’ll do anything to have him inside me.

Sadly, though, his skin tore a little.  He has a sensitive spot that keeps tearing.  I looked it up online and there must be a tiny bit of scar tissue there that keeps ripping when we have sex.  So, ugh.  I think maybe we should let it heal all the way and I should massage the area to try to make the tissue pliable again. Either way, we need to use lube for a while to help the situation.

So, when we returned from the event we knew better than to do anything again.  But was I good?  Nope!  He started touching my neck, putting a light choke hold on me to torment me and damn it I couldn’t stop him.  I went into full sub mode, I don’t seem to have an ounce of control around him. I thought, Okay, he’s teasing me.  we’re trying new things lately, he’s talking to me and touching me, this won’t go further. Next thing I know his hands are inside me and I’m writhing under his fingers. I’m soaked and then he’s on top of me.  I froze.  I knew it would hurt him and so when he pushed into me I dried up.  Can my body really read my damned mind that fast?  Seriously.  

But then he was inside me and my little rebel body didn’t listen to me and I responded to him.  He began to fuck me.  My mind was all over the place.  Slipping into that passionate fuzzy space where all I want is more alternating with nurse mentality watching for any wince from him.  

Shortly he stopped.  “Damn, it stings.”  

I’m worthless to help this situation.  I’m going to have to tie my damned thighs together, I swear.