Lifestyle Characters

As we move around in this lifestyle Mr. D and I have taken on many personae. Purists would shun our behavior, I have no doubt.  

In exploring our interests and one another we’ve each tried on a few different characters. They all fall on our own distinct side of the slash but they each relate to the others differently. Mr. D is and always will be dominant. There is no changing that immutable fact. No matter what persona he dons it is decidedly in the lead.  

I am always and primarily submissive. There is no changing that part of who I am. It is a permanent part of me.  

As we began to explore, Mr. D loved the Daddy/baby girl dynamic. I had never experienced it before. I understood it and was willing to try. I knew a baby girl was submissive so felt I could take this on. Fast forward a few years and I truly enjoy being a baby girl. 

The Daddy role suits Mr. D perfectly. He is always watchful and taking care of me. Even when he’s the one to hurt me he’s the first to make sure I’m okay. Even when we have plain vanilla sex he makes sure I’m ok afterwards.  I love being his baby girl.  I love how he considers me in all he does, how he plans ahead, and how me protects me. It took putting me into a vulnerable baby girl mindset to open me as deeply as he has. I trust him more than I’ve trusted anyone with my heart and my body. 

As we have grown in our dynamic Mr. D has asked me about the desires in my submissive heart. I’ve told him of my secret dream of being slave or kajira. I crave the intensity and the full immersion of that role. Something about me wants the ultimate test. I want to be his prized possession, his greatest asset. I want to be owned by him. I ache to serve and relinquish all of myself to him. It is not easy. In fact it can be very hard and for some reason I crave that. The more stern he is and the more demanding, the faster I slip into subspace. Why? We’ve explored that too. No matter the why, the reason it works is because it is a release and a challenge for me. In those moments of deep service all else disappears, all that remains is his desire. That pinpoint of darkness, that razor’s edge of focus is my happy place. In those moments I feel like we merge into one whole.

Before I left home on Friday to come see him, Mr. D texted me that Stern Master would be taking control this visit. He told me to be ready. He said he had been too lenient for far too long. “Be ready,” his text said. I knew what that meant. Daddy would be put away and a more rigid and controlling personality would take his place. Stern Master doesn’t let me get away with anything. He wants and he takes. He does not protect as Daddy does, he expects service and expects it with no excuses. 

Is this Mr. D’s natural personality? Yes and no. It is not the primary one. His primary is Daddy. In his most relaxed and most comfortable, he is Daddy. When his darkness takes over, he is Master. Does this mean Master is any less him? No. Less comfortable perhaps but no less him. 

My baby girl, submissive, slave, slut and whore all serve him. No matter the name, no matter the inflection of voice, when he calls, I answer. When he commands, I obey. 

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Starting Again

It has been ages since I’ve written.  So long now that this is well and truly a starting again.  Sigh. 

But I do want to start again so I will.  I left Daddy at the airport again today.  This living in two states and being a baby girl is turning me into a wilting flower.  I just think of leaving his side and I start weeping.  I’ve turned into one of those crazy  ladies who cry at airports.  A friend of mine’s mother would fall to pieces saying goodbye at airports. I thought it was terribly quaint and just a bit funny every time she did it.

But now, at some point during our drive or getting packed or saying goodbye I feel the tears. Daddy says, “No tears now,” and I feel quite vulnerable and well…baby girl.  I want to run into Daddy’s arms and have him tell me it’s okay.  But I put on a strong face and I act like my normal self to get through it. 

I feel unhinged but then I retreat into myself again to be the strong single mom.  He has uncovered my soft, utterly vulnerable, inner girl and I have to lock her away again each time. 

Sometimes it seems harder to find her again. This time Daddy was here for a week and I felt more my pragmatic shell of a self than usual. Financial concerns, work and parenting were hard to put aside. We didn’t have any alone time together.  Either my son was with us or we were caring for friends who needed our love and attention.  All good and necessary things but god I miss him.  

I miss being his baby girl. I miss being his submissive.  I want to be selfish and greedy but I try never to be that.  He is all I ever dreamed.  He is dirty and kinky.  He is so incredibly intelligent and caring.  He is my two sides in one person. My pragmatic mind finds a match in him. My business mind has a partner. My little girl has a protective Daddy. My dirty little slut has someone to make her debase herself for his pleasure. 

I had him all to myself for a while and I fear this new place we’re in. I fear at some point he’ll give me up. I fear this is too hard on him. I fear for his health, which is not good. I fear every little setback thinking it will be what breaks us. If there is a Divine plan at work please let us work, please let us find a way. I try everyday to believe we are okay and we will succeed.

Lastly, if I’m completely honest, I fear to write.  I’m afraid of saying something that will cause the protective Daddy in him to do something I don’t want because it’s for my own good.  I can’t stop that fear but I can force myself past it.  For good or ill, I will be brave and write. 

Sidetracked

Ever start writing with the intention of saying one thing only to end up writing about an entirely different thing? Yeah, me too. That’s what happened in my last post.  I fully had the intention of writing something that fit with the title I gave it. But that’s not what came out.

I think when I haven’t written in a long time all the thoughts and feelings I would have written about are still bottled up inside.  I begin writing after a dry spell and once the first jammed up words are out all the other words come spurting out in all directions.  Yes, the visual there was intentional.  It IS a sex blog after all.

My title Sex, what’s that? was a lame segue from a long hiatus to writing about Daddy’s task for me tonight. But my emotions dragged me off elsewhere. It happens.  

We were family Facetiming and the sneaky man was able to give me direction in code to masturbate tonight for him.  It occurred to me after we disconnected that (1) the man is talented in running multiple layer conversations and (2) it has been a holy hell of a long time since I masturbated well.  

How does that happen?  I think I’m a fairly sex-driven individual.  How does that just turn off when he’s not around?  I know I was work and family focused but sheesh…sad. It’s been several weeks of blah.  I had a couple random vibrator/porn moments but I think I also fell asleep more than once thinking about masturbating without actually having bothered.  Lame. 

So, I have a task to do and I must find my mojo because I was directed to do it well. 

On a Plane

I’m on a plane to see my Daddy!! Woo! Stay tuned! 

I can’t wait to see him!

It’s been a hell of a week.  So glad to be on my way to him, yay.

I’m full of nervous energy.  It’s been three weeks.  I don’t think we’ve ever been apart this long.  

I talked yesterday to Goddess about the four of us living together.  They may move too.  Wouldn’t that be so amazing!?! We’d have a home full of kinky people.  How awesome would that be?

To have a true leather family would be a dream come true.  What an amazing possibility.  

I love where my life is heading. I love having Mr. D so we can grow old together. 

Life is so full of possibility.  

Arrival

Mr. D and I arrived to our hotel on Wednesday.  We are attending a Vegas Bash having to do with body acceptance for bigger people.  He’s been part of this community many years and I’m only being introduced to it this year.  In his past, he’s enjoyed many trysts at the bashes with many people.  He is the life of the party and many know him and his crew here. I had heard about the bashes for a long time and this would be my first one. 

We got to our room and were unpacking our luggage.  Mr. D sat in a sofa chair and beckoned me over.  “Kneel,” he said.  I knelt in between his legs. “This week is about us.  We are going to have fun and relax and enjoy our family.  This week is about you and about me. No one else.”  I smiled and nodded and put my arms around him.  I have so much love for this man.  He makes me feel so loved and protected and cared for in so many ways.

From what Daddy has told me, bashes can end up being a lot of partying and sex.  Many hook-ups happen and since we are an open couple and he’s been promiscuous at bashes in the past, he was setting the tone for how we would behave at this event.  I felt my heart swell with joy that he wanted just me for this bash.  That won’t always be the case, he is desired by many.  I felt so cradled within his affection and care through his words and choice.

“You may rise,” he said.  As soon as I kissed him and returned to unpacking he called me back. “Wait, I wasn’t done with you.”  He pointed to the floor and I knelt before him again.  “Close your eyes.” I obeyed and knelt waiting.  “Ok, open them.”

When I looked up he had a white jewelry box on his chest.  He had a smile on his face.  “Open it.” Inside were the most beautiful diamond and emerald earrings.  They have a floating emerald that moves and sparkles in the light with a swath of diamonds curling around it.  The sides are filigreed in a delicate pattern of swoops and curls.  They are the most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know what to say, they were so beautiful.  He had gotten me a charm for my charm bracelet to commemorate our trip already.

I fumbled my words. “Oh Daddy, they are beautiful. You already got me the charm.”  How could he be so wonderful?  How do I deserve such a man and such gifts?

“I can spoil you.  You’d better get used to it because you’re mine.”  I beamed and my heart did a little happy dance in my chest.  I put them on.  As luck would have it, I brought three green dresses for the occasions of the bash.  It didn’t really matter what I wore though because I knew I wasn’t taking those earrings off. 

I love him so.  He doesn’t need to shower me with jewels just having him is the best gift I could hope for.  

Fire

He lights a candle and holds it close.  The light is soft and lures me.  I bask in the glow.  Once he feels me respond to his subtle little flame, he adds more fuel.  

The brightness shines a light over my soul.  He looks ever so closely and sees all of me.  He sees what I want to show, he sees what I hide.  He finds my fears and notices the barriers of my walls. 

A flame thus ignites within me. I respond in kind to his beacon.  I quake in fear that he sees me, that he knows my every secret.  But his light continues to shine bright as day even though my sins are now exposed. 

I see now that he will not turn away.  He wants my sin, he wants my hidden terrors.  He wants my dirty, rotten imperfections.  I roll like a swine in mud.  He grants me freedom to be the basest of pitiful things.

His high beam of stark honesty and vision ignites.  He takes the clay before him and carves out the pure beast within.  His talons grip me, his voracious fire consumes me.  I burn, oh how I burn in his realm.

From the fire emerges a passion that seeks its match and finds it in him.  Red and tumultuous, hot and painful it engulfs us.  The flames lick and eat and take their fill.  The eager coals smolder and deprive me of all my air.

I pant and rut.  His fire turns me on a spit.  Every basted bit is lashed by his words and his tongue.  No reason allows me succor. My thoughts, my being,  the primordial spark of me bends to him.

He fears losing control.  I can’t help him with that.  All my heart and morbid desires want him to lose himself and break me.  Each speck of glorious light I sense in him is answered with a raging wildfire.  

Heaven help me, he called me an angel.  But all I want is to grovel at his feet, to debase myself completely.  The fiber of my mind crackles in the viscous lava of my subservience to him.

Please, I beg of you, destroy all meaning.  Tear my walls and protections from me.  His voice stirs wicked desires.  His dirty words bind me to him for all eternity.  I fall deeper into the abyss gladly. 

Orgasm Training

Daddy put me in his big chair legs spread wide. He took the Hitachi out.  That damned torture device that he bought to work on my orgasms.  It is so very intense.  The vibration is so very intense.  Did I say it was intense? Damn, well it is.  He made me put my arms above my head.  I wasn’t allowed to touch him.  He knows how much that gets to me.  There is some visceral drugged feeling I get from touching him.  I need to feel his body under my hands.  I need to feel the soft fur and the hard muscle.  I need to feel his unique maleness.  I love that I can touch him in whatever way he allows…until he doesn’t allow me.  Then it drives me insane just the way he wants.

With my fingers laced together on top of my head, I leaned back in his chair with my legs over the arm rests. His fingers pushed inside me while he had the Hitachi turned on low placed on my clit.  The intense vibrations began to do their work.  His fingers began to fuck me slowly.  I moaned as my eyes met his.  Mine begged him silently to let me touch him.  He chuckled and shook his head.

“Poor little tortured girl. Daddy isn’t nice to you, is he?”

“No, Daddy, you aren’t.” I smiled beside myself…in spite of myself. He brings out the pouty little girl in me something fierce.  God, how I love to be that girl with him.  It ramps up the fervor of our play to a different pitch.  Mmm, I love that.

The vibrations were lifting the passion from me, making my body respond quickly. I had no control.  My usual hesitation or my mind’s reticence to let go were thrown out the window.  My control was relinquished to him.  His fingers fucked me harder and just when I felt my body responding and a rhythm coursing through me, he turned up the speed on the Hitachi.

“No! Oh please no Daddy.  No…no more, not that.” Why do I beg?  I beg for it to stop but my body is responding.  My orgasm is imminent.  He is ripping it right out of me.  I want it.  I want to give it to him but still I beg.  “Oh God, no Daddy…I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” I pant and pant and the orgasm is ripped from me by him and by that tormenting machine.

“That’s good baby girl. You did very well. I could feel your muscles grab my fingers inside you.  That was really nice.” He turns off the machine and holds me for a moment.  This is the second or third time he’s gotten me to orgasm this way.  The Hitachi is a horribly effective machine for this training he is doing.  He’s slowly retraining me and my body to respond to him. “Get on your back on the bed.”

With my body still vibrating on its own, I got on the bed on my back. My ass was on the edge of the bed, my legs hanging off as he wanted.  He lifted them and held my thighs while he leaned down and tasted my juices.  I heard happy noises as he licked me.  I was so hyper-sensitive that when his tongue touched my clit I nearly jumped off the bed.  I had no idea he’d go there again so soon.  I squirmed and tried to stay still but it was so, so sensitive.  So, I held my breath and did everything I could not to fight it.  Soon my body began to respond again.  His tongue was flicking back and forth on my clit bringing me close to the edge again.

He rose up and pushed his cock inside me. As he fucked me he reached around and grabbed the Hitachi again.  My eyes were completely round orbs at the sight of it.  No, no, no my mind railed but I said nothing.  I knew it was hopeless to complain or beg at that point.  He was going to have what he wanted.  He fit the machine between us and turned it on.  He resumed fucking me while the evil machine worked its relentless magic.

My body responded faster this time. He had me primed, he was fucking me which I love so much and the vibrations kept on coming.  Ever so quickly I felt my body rise, the sensations peak.  I felt the orgasm come on and finally crash upon me.  “I’m cumming Daddy! I’m cumming.”

“Mmm, I know baby doll. I know.”

That was the first time I’ve ever cum with someone inside me. I’m so fortunate to have such an imaginative and persistent lover.  He told me we’d figure it out and he was relentless in finding different ways work the problem.  He made it part of our play and tormented me with it and in the end he found a way to begin to break down my barriers.  I’m incredibly blessed to be His.