It has been ages since I’ve written. So long now that this is well and truly a starting again. Sigh.
But I do want to start again so I will. I left Daddy at the airport again today. This living in two states and being a baby girl is turning me into a wilting flower. I just think of leaving his side and I start weeping. I’ve turned into one of those crazy ladies who cry at airports. A friend of mine’s mother would fall to pieces saying goodbye at airports. I thought it was terribly quaint and just a bit funny every time she did it.
But now, at some point during our drive or getting packed or saying goodbye I feel the tears. Daddy says, “No tears now,” and I feel quite vulnerable and well…baby girl. I want to run into Daddy’s arms and have him tell me it’s okay. But I put on a strong face and I act like my normal self to get through it.
I feel unhinged but then I retreat into myself again to be the strong single mom. He has uncovered my soft, utterly vulnerable, inner girl and I have to lock her away again each time.
Sometimes it seems harder to find her again. This time Daddy was here for a week and I felt more my pragmatic shell of a self than usual. Financial concerns, work and parenting were hard to put aside. We didn’t have any alone time together. Either my son was with us or we were caring for friends who needed our love and attention. All good and necessary things but god I miss him.
I miss being his baby girl. I miss being his submissive. I want to be selfish and greedy but I try never to be that. He is all I ever dreamed. He is dirty and kinky. He is so incredibly intelligent and caring. He is my two sides in one person. My pragmatic mind finds a match in him. My business mind has a partner. My little girl has a protective Daddy. My dirty little slut has someone to make her debase herself for his pleasure.
I had him all to myself for a while and I fear this new place we’re in. I fear at some point he’ll give me up. I fear this is too hard on him. I fear for his health, which is not good. I fear every little setback thinking it will be what breaks us. If there is a Divine plan at work please let us work, please let us find a way. I try everyday to believe we are okay and we will succeed.
Lastly, if I’m completely honest, I fear to write. I’m afraid of saying something that will cause the protective Daddy in him to do something I don’t want because it’s for my own good. I can’t stop that fear but I can force myself past it. For good or ill, I will be brave and write.