Currently, I have no life in the lifestyle. I have only myself to blame. I have been a sulky and bad girl.
“My Dominant is away, I have no orders, so I have no lifestyle.” The more I think these thoughts the more they’ve rolled around my mind and become acrid. If I have no lifestyle to speak of it’s my own damned fault. How am I serving? How am I being a valuable and significant slave in my Master’s life?
It is time I bring what I want to the table. It is only through my giving and service that I truly offer myself up to him. It is through pure service that I feel most alive and connected to him.
We were at a party over Christmas with some friends. They were his roommates when we met. During that time I made doing dishes one of my services to my Master. Not a big thing or a sexual thing. I don’t know that anyone really understood why I did it. But they reaped the benefits. I simply wanted to serve him, to do everything in my power to honor him. At this party, which was months after he had moved in with me, I saw that there would be a lot of work for the host so I did all the dishes.
The host was grateful. Daddy, I hope, was proud of me. One of the drunken roommates started making fun of me to her friend. “There she goes again, doing dishes. Having fun?” She yelled the last line from the patio while she and her friend had a good drunken laugh. I have to admit, it stung and I felt hurt. After that I wondered about my service. If the service you offer isn’t understood is it worth doing?
I know it wasn’t Daddy laughing so I should have completely ignored it and went on with my evening. But I wonder about it nonetheless. Is this part of why I stopped serving so well? Can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen?
Daddy has only governed sexual service. This is a bigger part of it. In the everyday times of existence he chooses not to govern and wants an equal partner. So, my offering anything service-oriented out of the bedroom is all my own doing. Why do I care then? Why do I bother if my Dominant doesn’t ask it?
Here’s the crux of it. I want three things out of this and it shouldn’t matter if anyone understands but me. I want to show my devotion to my Master in as many ways as I can. I want to feel the yoke of his ownership at all times. I want him to feel wrapped in my care and love and heat.
Two of my reasons are only for him and him alone. The third reason is selfishly motivated. I hunger to feel his yoke around my neck. I ache for it. The feeling of his imprisonment of me, his power over me, it makes me shiver and sends shockwaves of dirty pleasure through my whole being. Why? It just does! And he feels it too. When his power has me in its grip there is an electricity that fills the space between us. The hunger, the raw power, the darkness envelopes us. Fuck, I will subjugate myself in any fucking way he’ll let me for another taste of that.
So, if those are my pure and deeply ached-for goals then it shouldn’t matter at all if no one understands what the hell I’m doing or if anyone is around to see it.
So, from today on, I will stop the childish sulking and create my own devotions to him. This morning I kneel beside my bed to honor my connection to my Master. And then I will get on with my day fully in devotion to serving him in every way.