Stop and Start

That’s me, the queen of stopping and starting again.   I suppose (so, I tell myself) that dedication does not always come in a long unbroken chain.  We all have fits of downtime, hard time, or breaks in our stride.  Clearly many more are better than I am but I pride myself on (at the very least) my dedication to beginning again. 

So, here I am for the long haul.  I’m dedicated to writing.  I’m dedicated to my Dominant.  I’m dedicated to my son and my family.  Now, what am I going to do?

What I’m going to do has been the paramount question on my mind for months now.  My son’s life is here, my Sweetheart is now in Texas.  What do I do?  When I ask for others opinions, I get them.  But really I get that person’s point of view.  They don’t quite  understand how I am so the help doesn’t seem useful.  I dearly love them all for trying.  But bottom line, I will have to make a decision and no matter which way I go, it will break someone’s heart. 

My Daddy wants me with him and I want to be with him to have our amazing life together.  But to do that I must take my son away from all he’s known and his father.  How can I choose?

Several people say, just take your son, your Ex will just have to deal with it.  That feels so crass and heartless.  The words make me recoil.  Just because he’s an Ex and he did some pretty crappy things while being an active drunk doesn’t mean it’s ok to take his son away.  He got sober.  He’s been sober for years now.  He’s a completely dedicated father.  He is selfish and lacks insight when dealing with his son but is that just cause to lose his son’s proximity?

My Daddy is in Texas now.  He chose a position that will free him from his financial bonds.  It has allowed him to make up a huge chunk of ground he lost during the recession.  He wants financial stability for our future instead of a long struggle.  I totally understand that.  We can buy a house there, a nice house for all of us.

I want to be with him always.  I can’t think of missing him too much or I start crying and I can’t lose myself to that.  I’ve never loved someone like this before.  In all honesty, I loved my Ex but nothing like this.  Daddy and I have a connection unlike any I’ve ever felt.  He compliments me, the real me, like no other.  He is so intelligent he puts me to shame sometimes.  I love our banter.  I love that he picks up on things others do not.  He is funny and lighthearted then dark and intensely sexual. All the facets of him feed the facets in my heart and soul.  He loves my son for who he is.  My son has challenges and is deeply into his puberty at the moment but Daddy sees his goodness and overlooks his growing pains.  

When Daddy moved in we were able to grow in the direction of a nuclear family.  We achieved a routine of sorts in the short time we had together.  Family dinners most nights, playing games, the little things of a complete life. My son was so enamored of it.  So was I.  We were a complete family together.  Our D/s suffered in the transition but I knew we’d eventually figure that out.  We are both focused on not letting that ever slip away. 

Now I must choose.  How do I choose?  Either way my son suffers.  If I stay, he loses out on a nuclear family.  If I go, he will be distanced from his father and will most likely have to go through a legal battle which (knowing his father’s slowness to forgive) could stain their relationship forever. 

Daddy says he will wait for me no matter what it takes.  His level of selflessness and willingness to sacrifice rival any submissive act I could ever offer him.  How can I ask this beautiful man to wait years for me?  

So, there is my torture with all my angst and anxiety.  I have laid myself bare.  Any thoughts you have for us would be welcome.  

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13 thoughts on “Stop and Start

  1. little one

    i would say ‘go’. You can’t live for your children forever and your son will adjust and adapt. When your son does spend time with his father and others he’s close to, it will be special, quality time. He will have new adventures in Texas, too. You don’t mention how old he is, but my counsel might be different if i knew he was a teen. YOU deserve to be happy too, especially without the emotional control and guilt your ex might try to impose to get you to stay.💜

  2. EA. I love you. I gave you your freedom and explained myself. I continue to tell you to do what you think is best for you both. I have reiterated that I should be lower on your priority list than either of you.
    I have said I would wait; tried to make it less stressful on you both. I have failed in that and what I must do is force you to stay there… and to do that I have to stop thinking of you as my forever.
    The only think I haven’t done is to tell you that you cannot be with me. Only this will give closure followed by grief and anger then peace. I do not want to do this, but you can’t tell your Ex for fear and an inability to hurt someone else. Your son can’t wait any longer for resolution- this is hurting him. I can’t always be distracted wondering what the next iteration will be… I chose financial stability over us. I made a hard choice that would provide a semblance of chance at being able to retire in 20 years. In that I doomed us…
    The only answer remaining is to set you free and wish you luck, love, and happiness. As of this moment you are free from your servitude, a free woman. You are released from our engagement and are free.
    I will always love you and hope for the best for you both and if ever you need of me I will be there.
    Please keep the engagement ring as a token of my love for you and a remembrance of what we shared.

    1. little one

      i feel so desperately sad for you both. Without saying more, know that i am walking in Your shoes in reverse. A similar decision needs to made here, but he can’t or won’t make it, so i must…. Love and hugs sent to you both. 💜

    2. deviantdragon

      That was precisely what any good Dom and Lover would do. I applaud you – small comfort I know, but one that should be given. May the grace of the Balance find you and EA sooner rather than later.

    3. We are ok. EA made her choice to stay in CA. We are choosing a long distance relationship rather than a separation of heart and mind.
      Distance separates us but I love her more that I can express and we will see what happens.

  3. You know I have nothing but love for the three of you. I have been in the EX position before. So this is just my opinion –

    During the few months my daughter live away from me I missed her deeply. I knew I could not live thousands of miles away. So I move to be near her. My life was the better for it. Her mom and I did not always see eye to eye but we knew that the relocation would mean a better life for our child. We worked together more and tried to argue less. I didn’t always get to see her every other, she live over a hundred miles away, but I made sure when we were together ever minute was precious. I took off the spring beaks and summer breaks so I could spend that time.

    Now that was my experience, yours is different. You have someone that can add a completely different facet to your son’s life and your son would still have his father. If his dad id like I was it could actually improve their connection.

    Again, I love all three of you. My opinion is definitely bias, but my point of reference may give me a unique view.

    Love you

  4. Oh EA I feel so much for you. There is no “good” decision here. But I think you must listen to your Master, and do what is right by your son. Time waiting, though a bitch, will end. And you can be together again.

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