Hold Strong

For the thousandth time in my life I wish I were stronger.  Sure, I am strong.  I can bear pain reasonably well.  Emotional pain, physical pain, yes they hurt me but I don’t make a big fuss.  

The most fuss I’ve ever made has been with Daddy as he whips me. It is such a catharsis to be allowed to voice some whimpers of expression in those moments.  I’m so used to being the stoic, but I found a way to allow myself those expressions.  Still, I don’t let go much because those whimpers eventually worm their way under Daddy’s blanket of darkness and find the protective Daddy response. 

I’ve been doing my best in our current situation to be strong.  I haven’t succeeded.  I am an adult woman and at the moment I feel every bit the baby girl.  I want Daddy to be here and hold me and make it all okay.  

I talk to our wifey, Goddess, and I’m so impressed with her.  She says, “Just pack up and move.  Go to court.  Get your child and go.” If I had half of her dominance or moxey or whatever that is, I’d be in a whole different place in life.  But here I am, timid me. 

Will I ever have the life I want?  Will I ever speak up for me? Why when I do speak up I can’t handle the backlash that comes from speaking my truth?  Is there any way to train yourself to know how to deal with manipulative, pushy, toxic people like my ex? 

Again, I have no answers just questions.  

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6 thoughts on “Hold Strong

  1. Steelclad

    I’m thinking you have the life you always wanted.
    I’m thinking it is a good life and will only get better.
    I’m thinking you are pouting because of sub drop and you miss your daddy plus the fact you’re a spoiled baby girl because you have a life with a good daddy.
    I’m thinking you need to report your poutiness to your daddy and I believe you need to be punished by your daddy.
    I’m thinking you need to sit up good and straight, ankles together, thighs together, shoulders back and raise that chin like I taught you…then write an apology to your daddy for being a brat.
    I’m thinking you need to encourage your daddy while he makes a new home for you
    I’m thinking you need to gather your strength and be strong during this period or you will just fall apart.
    No more of this binge eating crap either healthy or not, it’s just a crutch, gather your strength girl !!
    Now be a good girl and do as you are told.
    Tomorrow will always come, the only difference is how you approach it.
    Love always,
    Steelclad

    1. I appreciate your concern Steelclad. Respectfully, it is up to my Dominant to let me know if I’m being bratty or otherwise. He asked me to write about my feelings regarding this move and I have done so.

      He may owe me a punishment for not consistently writing about it as he asked but that will be up to him.

      I understand your wanting to help. This message felt like it was out of left field.

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