Beginning in the open lifestyle was a rather tumultuous, stressful and halting start for me. When I was the single one and Ren and Nox were the couple, I had nothing to lose.  Nothing other than them as play partners.  And back when I played with them the first time I lost them pretty regularly. Most of the time I understood.  It was new, they had to figure it out within their love cocoon.  I didn’t take it personally for the most part but I got ousted pretty regularly.  I tried to watch and listen and do things the way they wanted.  Eventually, they moved on to many other people and my part was in the past.

Fast forward to now. I have Mr. D.  I am insanely, passionately and completely in love with him.  When we first began to date we shared our pasts and that we’d both tried open relationships in different ways.  We both wanted to continue with that openness. Two years later and we were still blissfully exploring our own relationship with no need of others.

Then I start talking to my couple again.  We talk, we share where we’re all at and playing again seems a good option.  I’m safe to them after so many problem people.  They are safe to me because they are a known factor.  Mr. D says, go have fun. Great and great.

But then, what I didn’t factor in (oh I tried and failed) was how I have changed and how I haven’t.  I played twice.  Both times it did what I set out to accomplish.  Nox seemed to enjoy our time together and Ren got heated up and touched by her kink in a good way.  Win win.

How I failed was to handle the whole situation along with my relationship with Mr. D poorly.  Bottom line, I did not communicate. I left Daddy wondering why I wasn’t giving him all the details. My failure to be completely honest was my downfall.  I had no reason at all other than timidity for why I didn’t and that brought near ruination to us.

I was a child playing with the seasoned adults and I acted like a child. On the other side of the coin, Ren and I talked for a long time in text.  We felt each other out.  She touched the edges and walls of her kink with me, testing the boundaries, feeling how it pulled her chains.  Before, it was always solely for her that we did this.  My joy was in serving her need and her kink. This time it was different for me because she touched a boundary I didn’t know was even there.  It felt like she was encroaching on my cherished relationship with Mr. D.  Wait, I thought, this is supposed to be about you not me!  Go back, we can’t go there. But, again, I communicated my needs poorly.  She was hurt by my actions.

For Daddy’s part, his engineer’s mind took over and he dealt with me swiftly.  I felt so horribly low for making him doubt me and doubt us.  And why? For no other reason than I couldn’t just treat the situation openly like an adult. I learned a hard lesson.  Holding back ultimately hurts more than anything else.  We talked but I still must be ever watchful that I am completely honest for him.  He deserves that from me always.

With the couple, I have no idea if we’ll play again.  Ren said no matter what we’re still friends.  I’m hopeful that’s the case. But she’s hurt and I don’t know how to fix that. Will we play again?  I don’t know.  At the moment, I just want to be in my love cocoon with Mr. D.

Photo courtesy of Sebastian Wiertz through CC 2.0 with Attribution