I owe apologies to Mr. D, my Daddy. I haven’t written about our last three trysts and feel him waiting. He is so patient with me and I still let him down. How do I keep doing that? It’s life and focus and oh I don’t know…a thousand excuses.
Slavehood. Will this ever come to fruition if I can’t follow simple orders? “Write for me.” He says. I do. I’m sporadic. I’m taken away from my devotion by life. He understands mostly. Still. How will I ever match up to the desire to be his slave if I am not solely focused on fulfilling his desires?
I think about this today as I sit down to write about our last three times together. Of course, it’s been days and weeks so the details are eluding me. The general memories are there and as I begin to write the details usually percolate. But then, if I had written them when the memories were fresh, I’d have a much more complete story for you and for him. If I’m striving for the raw material of the story I know I spend less time on the craft of telling it. It’s subtle but there’s a difference.
How do I expect him to be able to properly guide us if I don’t give him information? I’m not being overly guilt-ridden here; I’m just posing the questions in my mind. This is really what punishment is for, I feel. If I don’t have consequences…if most of us don’t have consequences, there is not always the necessary drive. I truly desire to be the best service-oriented submissive I can be. So there is inherent drive. I don’t need to be punished to want to please. I just do. But sometimes I lack the proper motivation.
I often wonder about how I would respond to a full 24/7 power exchange relationship. Sometimes I think I’d love every minute of it. But at times like these, when I have let him down, I think perhaps I’d be a poor choice of a slave. I love the ideal. I love the thought of serving him perpetually. I love the idea of feeling his Dominance more, having more guidance and more stringent parameters. But then I wonder if I will fail at that miserably when I can’t even do this properly.
I have been reading Beast and belle’s blog. They each write about one side of their dynamic. I really enjoy reading them. Recently Beast was talking about how Belle failed when he left her with standing orders but thrived with more immediate orders. Perhaps that is simply what’s happening to me. I need to learn how to make the sense of immediacy more prominent in my mind otherwise I become distracted by parenthood and career while I’m away from Daddy. Then when I return to him, I’m so sad that I’ve let him down. I never want him to feel like I am not there for him, that I’ve put my duties and care of him aside.
Today, I commit again to being a good submissive and doing all that my Daddy wants purely because I love to feel his joy, and desire to fulfill my submission to him fully. As with anything I am committed to long term, I falter. Most importantly, though, when I fail I get back up and commit to being better once more.