Grief

Grief is a new and tiring sport. I expected that I went through all my grief after my mom died and wrapped it up in a tidy little bow. Not so. I’ve been depressed, as I told you, for the past weeks. It wasn’t until I had a full weekend with Daddy that he was able to bring my grief to light.  
It is Christmas, the first one without my mom. I didn’t realize that the miasma I am moving through was the loss of her. I have no motivation to do any of the things I need to make Christmas happen. I just ordered my son’s gifts last night. I’m praying they make it here on time. Daddy’s gifts just seemed to happen naturally which is good. It means that I was in tune with my desires for pleasing him regardless of outer influences.
I’m doing my best to take each day this week and get something done. Otherwise, it’s going to be pizza delivery for Christmas! And if someone doesn’t get a present because I’m loopy…oh well. 
Daddy took care of me this past weekend. He gave me love. He told me no sex until I started smiling, lol. I needed contact with him. I needed to feel him and touch him. The no sex rule lasted until he made me laugh anyway. Saturday we had a party with family and Sunday we relaxed and had a session together. My time with him alone is so needed, so fulfilling, so necessary. When I left on Monday morning I felt so much more whole.
Today, I’m two days of work and slogging through Christmas away from him. I feel the weight of my grief…at least I know what it is now, but I’ll make it. I did not sleep last night nor get anything done yesterday evening. I’m on a mission tonight. I have to get everything done tonight, family arrives tomorrow. Wish me luck.

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4 thoughts on “Grief

  1. It has been over eight years since my mother and MIL passed (two months apart) and I still catch myself looking at cards for their birthday, Mother’s day and Christmas. In the years right after they died I didn’t realize that I had purchased them until I started addressing the envelopes. The void left will never be filled and their absence still brings tears to my eyes. I find that celebrating the good times helps to erase the pain and loneliness to some degree..

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