Just Now

I have been feeling afraid lately.  Not all the time.  Just in some little moments in the late of night or the early morning.  Fear of losing him.  Fear that I will do something wrong and I will see, not anger but cold hard disappointment in his eyes. I will do everything I can not to see that.  I want to make his life content and happy and full, not sad and … mediocre.  

All relationships go through phases.  Insane happy sex sex sex…crush.  Settled happy joy…love.  Falling sad disappointment…she’s not perfect. She bugs me, won’t she stop doing that?  God, I hope we make it through that phase.  Why do we have to go through that falling phase?  Falling from the heights of “they’re more perfect than anyone ever before” to “oh yeah, they’re the same as everybody else.” But you know, everyone is amazing in their own way.  If we just keep seeing each other for the incredible piece of perfection we are, flaws and all, can we skip the falling?

It scares me. I know me. I can agree with pretty much anything bad you tell me about me.  He can read my heart like I’m naked and it’s pounding out Braille through my chest.  He sees things I don’t. He could crush me with my faults but he doesn’t.  I am putting my whole heart in his care now.  Will being his slave be more than I can handle? I know I try really hard. I fail a lot but I always try again and I always want to please him. I hope that’s enough.

I know I love him beyond all doubt.  I want to spend my life pleasing him and serving him.  I will be tested.  I will at some point test him too.  Not on purpose but it’ll happen.  I’ll piss him off.  I’ll frustrate the shit out of him. 

Please let him see through my faults and want me love anyway.  Please let him continue to choose me.  

8 thoughts on “Just Now

      1. miss agatha armstrong

        not such silly thoughts and yes it is good to be watchful and aware – it is best to get these things out and then when there is a black day, they are not soo painful x

  1. “For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a right wing and a left wing: for the wing of love there is anger; for the wing of destiny there is fear; for the wing of pain there is healing; for the wing of hurt there is forgiveness; for the wing of pride there is humility; for the wing of giving there is taking; for the wing of tears there is joy; for the wing of rejection there is acceptance; for the wing of judgment there is grace; for the wing of honor there is shame; for the wing of letting go there is the wing of keeping. We can only fly with two wings and two wings can only stay in the air if there is a balance. Two beautiful wings is perfection. There is a generation of people who idealize perfection as the existence of only one of these wings every time. But I see that a bird with one wing is imperfect. An angel with one wing is imperfect. A butterfly with one wing is dead. So this generation of people strive to always cut off the other wing in the hopes of embodying their ideal of perfection, and in doing so, have created a crippled race.”
    ― C. JoyBell C.

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