After writing my fantasy last night and also thinking of my post about having no choice, I realize more clearly one of the reasons why I crave Mr. D’s dominance so much.
I have a timid, good girl side. If I’m going to do something risky, I weigh all the options and possible outcomes of the risky behavior first. Sometimes, many times, it has stopped me from taking any action at all.
I’ve recently seen friends of mine frozen that way, too. It frustrates me to see them locked up within their own fears and not living their lives fully. I have been there myself. I wasted too much time.
I’m not as timid anymore. I became a nudist on my own. It took 3 years of testing the waters but I did it. I wanted to be a part of this lifestyle so I tortured myself by going to every Munch around and made myself talk to people. I had an affair with a couple. I wanted that and made it happen. I said yes immediately when Mr. D found me on Fet. I push myself. I don’t stay in my shell anymore, but I know it is there ever present.
When I was fantasizing about the scenario where Daddy told me to go service his friend…to act as his slut, I took a step back while I was watching this scenario unfold inside my head. Would I do this act without Daddy ordering it? No.
When I saw Daddy this morning, he asked me which one of his friends I had chosen because I hadn’t specified in the post. To be honest, I chose the friend I knew for certain would want the attention. It was El Jefe, who we almost played with one night a while back. Easy choice because it was a fail safe, no lose choice. What I neglected to elaborate was that there were others in this imaginary room. There will be six of us this weekend and that was the scenario I imagined. What halted my fantasy for a moment was trying to imagine myself obeying Daddy while not knowing how two of the other guests would feel about watching such an action by me. In real life, I know a question like that would freeze me.
If Daddy orders me, though, my free will is taken from me at that point. I must trust his will. It’s not always easy. He asked me to get undressed in front of strangers once. I hesitated and he had to ask me twice. But I did it and I was happy I pleased him and giddy excited inside when I did it.
I eagerly want to please him. I want to experience more edgy things like playing with others. When we were on the cusp of playing with El Jefe, they both looked at me and said, “It’s your choice.” Left all up to me, I chose timidly. I declined. If Daddy had ordered me…I would have done it, no question. I wanted to, I just let all the questions in my head stop me.
I want to please him and I also hunger for his lead. I know I truly want to do more than I choose to do on my own. His dominance is a way for me to safely come out of my shell. I must unfurl my wings. I am bidden to fly for him. That is a most freeing gift.
Another aspect of this is the slut angle. The other night Daddy and I were playing. I was between his legs giving him head. He was talking to me and pushing me to deep throat him more. I really try but can’t get him all the way in my throat. It’s like it just hits the back and won’t go in sometimes. He asked me very forcefully, “You want to be a dirty little slut, don’t you?” Something in me rebelled. No! My mind countered. I’m good. I’m not like that. It was my upbringing talking back and fighting it. Then he changed the question and asked, “You want to be MY dirty little slut, don’t you?” And then all was right with our world. My mind shifted and I remembered my place.
“Yes, Daddy, I want that.” It shook me. The word play has a level of humiliation to it. When he calls me slut and other names during our play, it drops me into a submissive place immediately. I feel it viscerally rather than rationalize that I’m his to debase. I’m his to own. I’m his to control. I’m his to lead. It drops me out of my day-to-day place in the world and allows me the freedom to be something more lurid and wild. I crave him taking me to that place. When he leads me there, I would do anything for him. The words, his dominance, his desire all lead me down the rabbit hole. The further we go the more I want to reach the depths and the deeper I ache to explore.
My fantasy was just a fantasy so far. But I do see myself submitting more deeply to him. I want to give him more control. I want him to lead me to places I’ve never been and I want to do whatever puts the fire in his eyes when he looks at me. That’s the key.