I’m having trouble staying in a positive mindset when Mr. D is feeling down. I want to be there for him. I want to lift him up and make his spirit soar the way he makes mine fly when he shows his ‘Daddy’ level of care and most especially when he dominates me and makes me drift in sub space.
I seem to take on the same feelings of being down, the same feelings of despair and lately I see myself stumbling through the love and care I so desperately wish to offer. I doubt myself and then I question if I’m being good to and for him. I know better. I need to ignore the doubts and overly personal nature of my feelings and serve him.
I am stretched too thin and I see it affecting my service. I hadn’t written for him in weeks. Hearing his angst on Sunday night, I thought ‘write something for him.’ Because I hadn’t been consistent and hadn’t posted in so long, a flood of random writings came out. Nothing like what I intended to write to lift him up.
It is due to my doubting my choices in other areas. I have my child to care for and a family member in the hospital and I’m doing a piss poor job spreading myself around appropriately. If I take care of one person I end up letting another down. I see that I’m doing too much for too many and this results in me doing a shitty job overall. So, that’s my reality today but it doesn’t need to stay that way and continue to affect my being able to be a good girl for my Dominant. If this is the problem, then I need to change the situation, not just shovel excuses in a hole. That doesn’t do anyone any good.
So, what now? How to correct my overfull plate? Ask for help, firstly. I suck at that. But, I’ve started. My family has responded and that’s a good thing. Next, I am giving up some of my commitments. Just because something catastrophic hasn’t happened doesn’t mean I can handle everything. I need to let others take over. What is with taking on too much? Why do I do that? I want to be needed. I want everyone to say ‘good girl’ and pat me on the head. I have a Daddy now. I only need to serve him and his needs. His pride in me and desire for me is all the validation I need. So, clear the plate already woman!
One day at a time, one thing at a time. Time to move forward with purpose and in a way that I intentionally do only what will fulfill my place as a baby girl, a mother and a daughter. That is my world.
Image through Public Domain from Pixabay