I have a fear surrounding the Daddy/baby girl dynamic. It’s related to the vulnerability I am starting to feel as I open up to Mr. D more. The deeper we delve into the dynamic the more I feel a connection with my ‘little’. It is a little disconcerting.
I am only recently a baby girl. I am a submissive. There’s no changing that. It is me, always and unchangeable. The baby girl part though is new. I feel it swirling inside me like ink dropped in water. I won’t ever be the kind of baby girl that plays with glitter and dolls. It’s just not me. I am a woman. A sexual woman from head to toe and this is what I wanted to be from the beginning. Mr. D and I have a friend who is 24 years old. He is part of our larger family. He doesn’t hang out with people his age that I know of. He hangs out with us. He is more adult than anyone else his age I’ve met. This was me at that age. Kids bored me. Adults had the goods.
The part of the baby girl life that I love is being His. Being fully under his control and under his protection. I feel the touch of his care in many ways. He loves me but it goes much farther than that. I sense his care and his planning in everything he does. He tries things on me, tests the water, works the puzzle of me from every angle.
The part that has me concerned is that he will succeed at breaking into that vault inside me. I know it’s there. I feel it when I start to melt into the baby girl and allow myself to feel little with him. It’s fear, I know. I am afraid that if I drop every wall and my little girl comes out all the way that he won’t respect the woman I am any longer.
Basic fears, right? Right. I know where it comes from. I remember specifically. My ex and I had been apart a while. We broke up and I moved into my own place. It felt great to be alone and free. I loved my life. Then we started talking again and starting seeing each other again. It was different than it had been before. We were not in the same dynamic. I felt strong, in control. I could see how my control governed our relationship, our dynamic and he was drawn to that. I had the strength of my independence around me like a warm blanket. Then things progressed and I allowed myself to fall for him again. I allowed myself to need him again. I remember a specific conversation my ex and I had at that point. He had disappointment in his voice and said, “What happened to you? You were so strong when we started seeing each other again and now you’re not. I liked you that way better.” This was before we got married and I look back and see that moment and know it was part of our downfall. After that, he had control and I was lost. Eventually I was trapped and couldn’t get out. So, what does this mean to me now?
It doesn’t have the sting it did. I know I am generally a stronger person now. I have accepted my submissiveness and know it doesn’t equate to weakness. I have also chosen a relationship where the power dynamic is clear. He has the control and wants it. As a Daddy, he also wants to protect me and fulfill that role. Allowing my little girl out to be vulnerable and need his love and protection should be safe and will create a deepening of our dynamic. Intellectually I see that. Emotionally, I feel myself melt into him but recently I feel my insides tighten up in fear sometimes.
I need to let go in those moments. Let go and let my little girl worship his Daddy side in all its glory. Jump off the cliff without a parachute and have faith that he will still respect me and hold me during that fall towards accepting his power and my submission further.