I read a post today on another submissive’s blog where she talked about being forced up against a wall. Feeling the cold drywall on your face and breasts while his hand grips your hair and his other roams your body, violating you.  Mr. D did this to me, it was divine.  It was so carnal and sent me straight into a gasping tunnel spiraling towards subspace.  

He did it in part because I had sent him an image where the man held his woman just that way so you could see the side of her face, the small of her back arched with her fine ass pushed out against her will…his hand caressing, ready to strike.  I sent it during work, bad girl.  He was burning Dominant fuel by the time I got home to him.

I loved it, I should have expected it but I didn’t.  You never know if your thoughts, pictures, or texts will resonate strongly or mildly.  I was in a sultry teasing mood and this was the fallout.  The thing that has me thinking about this tonight is subspace and how I seem to get there.  It appears to be linked with anger, anxiety, and fear.  So far, it doesn’t seem to be linked as much with pain as I expected. It is completely related to how Mr. D treats me mentally and my reaction to that treatment.

I’m not sure what a mind fuck is but I wonder if this would fall into that category.  Twice I fell hard into subspace.  Both times Mr. D wasn’t mad, angry or even mildly miffed but he was fully present in his Dominant state.  His tone, his demands, his whole persona changed in my eyes.  He became fierce, there was no possible way to deny him.  I may not explain this well but I trusted him and still felt scared.  I was afraid of doing anything against his will or anything not as he demanded.  It became essential to my survival to acquiesce and obey.  At the point of feeling that ultimate Dominance overpower me, I slipped into deep subspace.

So now I know how to get there.  That is important, especially since I want to find that place again.  Since achieving subspace, I think about it often.  The experience is unparalleled.  It’s like being wrapped in a blanket of Him.  Nothing but his words and his presence exists.  It is the most intimate connection I’ve ever experienced.

I wonder, though, can fear be the trigger?  If so, it may not be the only trigger but it is the strongest one for me so far.  I’ve read about others being triggered by pain, by a violet wand, by all sorts of things.  It seems to be quite individual and variable.  

I wonder about my reaction because it may relate to my past and this may be key to some needed healing.  I was in a relationship with someone who had major anger problems.  His anger was so unreasonable, so violent and scary.  When he was drunk it was worse.  I spent several years with a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I walked on eggshells all the time.  It became my way of life to get through the fire.  So, after leaving and starting my life anew, I wonder about wanting to experience similar sensations again. Am I insane to want this?  I wonder how I can go there again even in a safe way.  It’s as if my fear has morphed into my kink somehow.

It’s not something I have any control over so I can’t say I’m doing this to be stronger or face my fears.  I’m not.  If it will help me to let go of the past somehow I think that would be a wonderful side effect.  But honestly, I just want to keep experiencing this with Mr. D.  If the intensity of our connection causes sparks to fly and my past made that happen then I will proudly wear my scars, internal or otherwise.