The Elephant in the Room

I have a confession. I know this isn’t church, it’s a blog. But I have read a lot of blogs from D/s folks recently and I see a trend. I don’t want to be a pie-in-the-sky writer. I won’t be the one telling you everything is ‘amazing’ and spectacular all the time if it isn’t. My goals are to understand my role in this lifestyle, to keep Mr. D informed of all that goes on in my mind (because he wants to know) and also to entertain. I love to write for others because it makes me happy to make people smile or laugh or cry or sigh or ignite with passion. It’s part of the submissiveness that is me. I love sharing the whole range of emotions.

I can’t orgasm with Mr. D. I can’t orgasm with anyone actually. I can come just fine while masturbating by myself but with someone else it seems like I lose focus or I’m focused on them or who knows why. Twenty years in a relationship and I chocked it up to many things back then. Shyness at first, I was a teenager and very shy and conservative. Later when we were older and had problems it was our lack of being connected or his lack of interest in others. My ex was and still is a somewhat self-centered person. So, it was easy enough to pin my problem on that. Sex was good but just not focused on me except for occasionally. It was really easy to hide behind that. Then it became habit. We couldn’t figure it out so we gave up. I gave up because it was horrible being the one who was making our sex difficult. He gave up because I asked him to give up. I thought of it as my problem not his. He was getting off either way so what did it matter?

There is a really big problem with continuing that old line of reasoning, however. It does matter. Also, Mr. D does care. It matters to him and because it matters to him it matters very much to me. Add to that a D/s dynamic with all the varied ways you can control someone through their orgasms…orgasm denial, orgasm control, edge play, etc. and you can see the huge flaw in avoiding this issue. There is so much I’m denying him right now. This is supposed to be about him having control over me not my issues having control over both of us.

I have tried making it a non-issue. I’ve talked with Mr. D about it. It truly does not affect how I feel about our sex. I’ve never had sex like this. The depth of it and the way he gets in my head is more than I could have ever dreamed. It’s everything I had hoped for in every fantasy I’ve ever had about being in a D/s relationship. When I began studying about the lifestyle many years ago, I thought that maybe the intensity of D/s play would be what would kick me out of this problem. So far, it hasn’t. And I see it concerning Mr. D. He’s never been with anyone he couldn’t get over the edge.

This weekend there was a point where we were deep in play and Mr. D was inside my head. I expressed in a previous blog that it felt like he went past walls I didn’t know I had. I see this as hope. I know the longer we’re together the deeper we’ll go and the more he’ll learn how to get into my headspace. I think this is key. But I also think I need to take matters into my own hands, too. I have started to masturbate every day. I have given my habits some thought. Due to my life as a working mom, I have limited time and so my sexual alone time in a regular week has devolved into five minutes of porn on my phone until I get off and then fell asleep. This is no way to fix a problem. I have all but lost my ability to get off on my own. So, I’ve decided to masturbate with no visual assistance and as much as possible. If the problem is in my head then I need to be ‘in there’ as much as possible to figure this out. I can’t just show up to my Mr. D each week and say ‘help poor me with this’. We tried me masturbating in front of him and with him helping but no go. I could have continued forever but my mind kept wandering around in circles…first on him, then on me, then fantasy, then back to him. This is nice, I can do this. Okay, it’s building. I wonder if this turns him on. Oh yes, it does, he’s touching me. Moan for him, he’ll like that. Okay, stop that, this is supposed to be for you. Try fantasizing…okay, there you go…collared on a leash in public….no wait, bent over his spanking bench…no wait, how long have I been doing this he’s got to be bored by now….ugh! What a piece of work I can be left all alone in my own head. Ugh again.

But with Mr. D in charge all that goes out the window. I’m completely singularly focused. I’m intoxicated and addicted…panting and eager to please. He sends me to such dizzying heights of passion, further than I’ve ever gone and completely utterly lost in the moment. So, why don’t I spill over the edge from that dizzying height in the throes of all the passion he inspires? No idea.

For the moment I’m trying daily enforced masturbation. I’ll keep you posted.

17 thoughts on “The Elephant in the Room

  1. i would ask him if he would be willing to instruct you what to do to yourself. blindfolds can be helpful in this situation, as he can touch you. i went my whole life without orgasm until D/s with my Master. I just like to be told what to do, it gets me eager to please Him and obey His commands. The first time we tried doing what i’m suggesting to you now I got in my head like you did so i stopped and said it wasn’t working. my Master glared at me and said “what the hell are you doing?!” and told me to make my self cum. it worked. try it! it may take a few times. but definitely don’t give up!

  2. This is such a great post. I’m glad you were open enough to share this. I struggle with this too. I can now orgasm with another person, but it’s still usually from my own stimulation. I totally struggle with just holding an image still long enough in my head to get myself off…even alone. So add another person, who totally turns me on and takes me to beautiful sub space, but who is still an additional distraction from what requires a very concentrated effort from me…and it’s harder. So we too never get to play orgasm denial or control games…we are just thrilled when I can have one! I have a lot more I could share on this if you want to talk more. Either here or my email is on my about page. Hugs sister.

  3. Shalom

    I’m hoping that you get there soon, with His help. Master and I were just talking about this no more than 30 minutes ago– me thanking Him for our orgasms. Yes, there’s control and denial, begging, sublime edging… and it happens. Given my history of sexual abuse, the difference with Master is that it comes with absolute abandon, lust and giving on a level I could never have dreamt of before Him. For me, it came only after He smashed walls and gained my trust. Pulling for you 😉

    1. Thank you Un Sub. I go back and forth between being totally okay with it and getting down on myself. I just don’t want Mr. D to feel like I’m work. Sex is the exact opposite of that, it should be intuitive and passionate not disconcerting. One day at a time, I’ll figure it out with his help. Thanks for your positive thoughts. 🙂

  4. bunny

    First of all, have you discussed this with a medical doctor? I only ask because it seems to be such a long term thing. Since you said you used to get off with masturbation and porn, I would agree however that it is probably a mental thing and maybe porn is part of the problem.

    Second, I would suggest that you find a routine of masturbation. Not 5 min. More time. Take a bath, clear your head, buy a hand held shower head (my personal favorite), and use it after your bath. I tend to put it on high pressure and even cover a couple of the holes with a finger to create more pressure, but experiment with whatever works. When you masturbate think about Him. The things he does to you that turn you on. Or asks you to do to Him. When you are close imagine Him commanding you to climax. Start to train yourself to do so when He says.

    My suggestion with Him would be to try different things. Try oral. Try oral with his fingers. Try doggie. Try reverse cowgirl. Try toys. Try try try. But more than anything, try to forget that me must be getting bored. That seems to me to be the biggest mood killer. Stay focused on Him. Ask Him talk to you.

    Hope this helps. 🙂

    1. Hi Bunny, thank you so much. I can cum fine by myself so I know it’s mental. More time is great but it doesn’t happen a lot. Parenting fills a lot of time. But I get your meaning. Thank you for your recommendation of where my headspace should be when masturbating. I totally agree. I came hard the other night thinking of him. I’m going to continue that and add the command from him…really good idea!! Thank you so much!

  5. I am Mr.D and I am not bored, put off, or offended by this issue; concerned, of course I am concerned – I love this woman on so many levels. Reveling in our wonderful sex lives is but one of the levels. Amor is amazing and our connection is deep and raw and visceral and yet we have a cerebral connection that is also relative and creative. In the 8 months we have dated, made love, fucked, talked, opened up, and ultimately bonded we have discussed this from various angles. I love Amor and I try every time I am with her to capture her heart, her mind, her attention, her body, spirit, and soul. She is MINE.

    When she wrote the elephant post I took a step back and thought of this from completely different perspectives… Then (being an engineer) I started to do research. I discovered that anorgasmia is a very common affliction and that is increasing rather than decreasing. There are entire medical journal sections dedicated to understanding it and treatments. I knew rape and sexual assault could cause psychological and psychosomatic walls to develop. I didn’t know that parental aversion to a child’s sexual exploration could ingrain enough guilt and shame to create the same effect. Other causes cited include years of marital sexual strife (a partner who isn’t concerned with your enjoyment), lack of intimacy in a partner (no physical contact), or even verbal and societal cues that you are not desirable.

    We will discuss triggers, reacquaint ourselves with the joys of Amor’s body and mind, and we will build a foundation of trust, love, want, and desire that leaves no room for what was… Amor is my present and future and I am here for whatever that entails. Thank you all for your support of Amor.

    1. My Love,

      I am so unbelievably touched that you logged on to respond to this post.

      I’ve read what you wrote several times and last night we talked and had a beautiful evening experimenting in new ways. That was such a gift.

      I’m so in love with you. With everything you do, with who you are, with how you support me, with the comment to this post that made me cry and filled my heart with even more respect for you and how you handle challenges.

      I feel so at peace knowing I am yours in our present and for our future together.

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