Emotion can be an odd thing. It can be what gives you wings or it can drop you into a world of misery. When I was little, I was an emotional girl. I wore my heart on my sleeve with my joys shared and my hurts broadcast to my close family in a pout or tears. I remember being one who needed my dad for protection and for those kisses that made everything better. As I grew older and my beloved father left my mom, I started to notice how people behaved and the fallout from those behaviors. I saw my mother as a very unstable person. She was very emotional and didn’t seem to have a handle on those emotions. I remember one of the times it seemed to effect us negatively. That night, after my brother and I were asleep, I heard them yelling. Her voice rose to a shrill pitch and woke my brother. I remember comforting him and at one point, she came rushing out and started throwing our clothes into bags to leave. Quickly, she rushed back in for more arguing with my father. Even then, I somehow knew her emotions had the best of her. I put away the clothes and put my brother back to bed. I got back in bed myself and in the morning my dad was gone.
From that point on, through their separation and ultimate divorce, I was her strength. I helped her as much as I could. I bolstered her and buried my own feelings. Over a long period of time I felt somehow responsible to be the strong one. When I met my first love, it was the same. His life was chaos. His family was a wreck with his sister’s addiction. I became his rock, his family center. Many, many years later his own addiction threw us both into the alcoholic cycle. In this cycle, the alcoholic feels a crushing weight of guilt over what they can’t control. The codependent is leveled with all the blame. The only way the codependent or the alcoholic can survive this crushing burden is to hide their feelings behind a very thick wall. It is self-preservation. It isn’t good but it’s survival.
The first alcoholic counselor I met gave me a test. He asked me what emotions each situation he mentioned called for. I could see that my choices were very narrow. I was suffering and shut off from my emotions. It was the only way I knew at that point. Through AA and Alanon, I learned how to find my feelings again. I learned how to come alive again. But still, I see that in some ways I’m still the stoic that I made myself to be so that I wouldn’t vulnerable like my mother. Sometimes, I experience emotions like I’m seeing them rather than feeling them. More and more these days I’m not like that. But I know it’s something I still watch.
Mr. D and I were talking over the last couple days. It has been so amazing to have a 4 day weekend together. We have had time with my family and quiet time with each other. It is so needed for both of us. The other night Mr. D told me about his past. He told me about how his first marriage ended and what happened in the aftermath. As I listened to his story, I felt myself getting angry at the injustice of how he was treated and what happened to him as a result. I wasn’t there, it’s not my place to judge but I feel a strong sense of protection…wishing I could have been there to stop it as unreasonable as that sounds. What I can do is learn from it in the here and now. I want to learn more about how emotions are a part of our lives and how I can understand them.
Last night, Mr. D and I were making love. The more we are together and the deeper he pulls me into submission to him the more I feel myself coming into contact with strong emotions. He was deep inside me and he started talking to me. First he asked me what I felt. I was so mesmerized at that point, overwhelmed but his touch and him inside me. I said things like, “I feel you deep inside me. I feel heat. I feel wetness and pleasure.” After I finished with the meager things my sex soaked mind allowed to escape my lips, he said it was his turn.
“Now, I’ll tell you what I feel. I feel heat. I feel the heat of my need for you. I feel the heat of your need for me. I feel the heat of our bodies joined together. I feel you. I feel your love. I feel your touch. I feel….” And he kept talking to me as he thrust inside me. I was completely and utterly transfixed on him and every word he whispered to me. I felt a wave of emotion so strong for him crash over me. It was relentless. I felt myself drifting in a sea of…him. That’s the only way I can explain it. Finally, he whispered to me so low that I couldn’t hear him. I despaired that I missed what he said. I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. I finally caught the edge of his thoughts drifting in.
“…submitting to my will…being dominated.” Then I knew where his mind was going, what he was thinking. His hand came up and his finger grazed my lips to make me open my mouth. I sucked on his finger but he pushed his two longest fingers deep into my mouth, past my tongue, to grab the back of my throat. He had my full attention. His domination was immediate and visceral. He has told me what an effect his domination on me, I instantaneously get wetter and more aroused. Then, with his eyes piercing mine, he fucked me with a wild abandon until I knew he was ready to explode.
“What do you want?” He growled at me in his deepest, passion filled voice.
“Your cum, Daddy! You Daddy, I want you!” And then he thrust to the hilt and filled me with his love. I felt waves of emotion grip me. So shocking and strong, they held me so tight that all I could do was pant. Daddy came and as he started to find awareness again he heard me struggling and said, “Breathe baby, breath.” He asked me if I was okay, all I could do was nod my head. At that moment, I had the strongest urge to cry. Cry with joy, cry with raw emotion, just cry and let it out. But I breathed and I finally felt it subside. It still doesn’t come easy to just let go and not be concerned for the other person. I didn’t want to worry Mr. D. He is such an intensely caring person. As far as we push the envelope, he is always concerned and makes abundantly sure I’m okay.
Do I have answers to my questions about emotion….some. But I see that this journey is far from over. I have learned one thing, at least. Emotion is not the evil I once thought it was.