Posting about cathartic spankings and requested pain brought my thought to the idea of being vulnerable. I told Mr. D, even as I asked for a spanking hard enough and long enough to expel my pent up emotions, that I was scared of it. When I reflect on that fear, I find that it is the fear of being vulnerable that causes me to feel scared. I am afraid of showing the side of me that is vulnerable. I am used to projecting a strong and pulled-together personae to the world. I retreat into that personae as protection. It is my protection from the ugliness of the world and from the judgment that came from some in my life.
I completely trust Mr. D, I know this already. It may seem soon but I know he is worthy of that trust. He has made me feel so loved, so completely accepted and so cherished for exactly who I am. I’ve honestly never had someone treat me that way before. It has opened up so many avenues of good feeling and ease to be accepted in this way. I hope I offer the same acceptance to him, I hope he feels that from me. I work towards offering this feeling to everyone I come in contact with but I know I fall far below his level. He immediately remembers and uses everyone’s name that he meets. He is open and welcoming to so many. I am in awe of his accepting ways.
To feel that I am still protecting myself from feeling vulnerable even around him is disheartening. It means my past is still very much alive and well in my bruised psyche. I am really trying. So, even though I’d like to take my protective little shell with me and crawl under a rock sometimes, I don’t. I ask him for things that scare me. I venture a little further into uncomfortable territory and every time I come up against the inside of my confining fortress I knock and know he’s on the other side with a steady and loving reply.
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