This morning I find myself holding a hand of cards, each with something I want to write about. They are all jumbled in my mind. So, I will start writing and find my focus somewhere along the way.
Mr. D took me away for a beautiful weekend. During this cloying heat, we were ensconced in a lovely air-controlled hotel. What a treat. Even if we hadn’t been there for an event it would have been amazing just for the privacy and the coolness. Making love with no roommates or pets in the pristine hotel room was worth every callisthenic maneuver I had to pull last week to finally arrive in my Love’s arms. I owe him a debt of gratitude for such a lovely time away.
On Sunday, arriving back from the hotel, I was greeted with a phone call from my messy life. Not that I try to have the messy drama as part of my life but it’s there and sometimes I can’t seem to escape it no matter how much effort I put into it. I will learn. I have tried everything to move on from my past but it doesn’t want to let me go quite yet.
I read a post by Ms. Tranquility this weekend that brought back up the same feelings she had. Another Mans Eyes brings up the specter of past abuse. Unfortunately, I still deal with my abuser on a weekly basis. That’s life, I am strong and I handle it. But I know that in some respects the past abuse has the potential to flavor my current interactions just as his past issues flavor how he currently treats me.
What I’m struggling with today is how to move on even if someone in your life refuses to do that same. It is a constant ‘rising above’ and some days I deal with it well and others I want to rail at the sky for having no control over how to end the cycle. Part of being a submissive is learning how to gracefully accept lack of control. I tightly control so many things…my emotions, my career, my my my…but when it’s anyone else other than yourself that ‘control’ that you think you have is a mere figment of your imagination unless THEY have granted you that control. So, I know very well that I’m powerless over others. 12 Step programs start with this…I am powerless. Let go, give up the fight, stop torturing yourself with the imaginary control you think you have. Yes, okay.
I begged Mr. D for a beating today. I feel tortured by things out of my control. Is it not possible to push the boundaries of that torture in a more physical way to find some kind of emotional catharsis from the mental anguish? I know, I lost the smooth transition from thought-to-thought beginning this paragraph that way but the thought remains. Does physical pain help relieve emotional pain in some respects? Mr. D is very careful with me. He is an immensely caring Dominant. He was worried for me yesterday and I am fairly sure he still is worried. He responded by telling me that he hadn’t pushed me further in this direction because of the crap I’m going through. He doesn’t want to do any further damage. I love him so much for many reasons but at the moment I love that he is so thoughtful, so careful. And yet, I am impatient and want this as well as so many other deeper reflections of his Dominance and my submission.
All questions, no answers. I’ll find clarity, it always comes. For today, I simply ask. The answers will come later…I trust they will present themselves as long as I accept that I can’t force them to arrive.