Skirting the Edge

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I am learning that when you choose to play with the edge, you will invariably go over that edge sometimes. Later in the evening, after the costume party, was one of those times.

Let me preface this post with this…I had a rough week prior to our edge play. I had planned to be with Mr. D for the two nights prior to the party and it did not happen. My ex is still having trouble letting me go and Mr. D is the first relationship I’ve had since then. Needless to say, helping my ex in his healing has been an added stressor on my new relationship with Mr. D. I can handle it and have been rising above but it had worn me down somewhat this past week.

At the end of the night at the party, Mr. D took me into one of the rooms and asked me what I wanted. After playing and watching other people play, I just wanted him. I kissed him with the full need of him on my lips. He pulled back and said, “Oh, that’s what my baby wants.” with a wicked smile. He grabbed my hand and we collected the other couple and went home. Of course, there was the drive home and everyone was hungry so it was a while before we could be alone. That pent up passion was just simmering there in the background.

When we finally made it to the bedroom, I was more than eager to jump on him. I was still in costume. Mr. D had made some comments about wanting to rip the fishnets off me so I had left on the heels and stockings. He pulled back the covers on the bed and had me lie down fully clothed. Then he sat in his big chair, like a king, and said, “Now, you can take off whatever you like while I watch.” I peeled off my red corset top and then next my bra. He had decided he liked the stockings so wouldn’t rip them off me…I was quietly thankful of that. Those had taken a while to find the right size and they weren’t cheap, I know, girly issues. Anyhow, I continued to strip. At this juncture, I executed a completely dorky move and pulled my skirt off by throwing my legs in the air and got caught half upside down in the process. Have I mentioned that I can be a train wreck in the strip tease department? Seriously, I can be downright uncoordinated and this was a time when that skill presented itself in full form. Mr. D looked at me askance and said, “Is this what I get?” Yeah, I blushed eight shades of red. Attempting a recovery, I quickly stripped off everything else I had on. We had to move past the train wreck man!

I stood before him and leaned over him in his big chair, I needed those sexy lips on mine again. When I came up for air, he indicated that he wanted me on my knees before him. I obeyed his request and kneeled before him between his thighs. I took his cock in my mouth, I love sucking on him. He is no small man and I’m proud that I’m capable of pleasing him this way. I love the feel of him on my lips and tongue and in my throat. He loves pushing deep into my throat. I do my best each time to push further and am learning how to take breaths when I can so that my technique improves. He’s the first person to push me this way but I really enjoy the struggle of it and the control he has when he does that. I felt so subservient in this position. I was at his feet, his cock deep in my throat and I could look up to him and watch him watching me. Locking my gaze with his while doing what I was doing was at first uncomfortable. I’m not used to being watched in that moment. But I forced myself to look up at him, it made it hotter for me to feel his eyes on me.

After a while, he had me rise and turn around with my back to him. Grasping my hips, he worked me down onto his shaft. With my hands on the arm rests, I was able to ride him in the chair. I had been aching for him all night and the feel of him inside me in this position was spectacular. I could feel his full length slide so easily all the way inside. It was a perfect position for access. After a few strokes, I noticed a burn in my thighs. Right then, I gave myself a squat routine to do at the gym the next time I am there. Damn, I am not in shape for that position. I switched around a bit. One hand on the bed and one on the chair, it worked for a while longer but then I rose from his lap when my thigh muscles were giving out.   He had me lie on the bed and mounted me. I love the pressure of him pushing me down. I looked into his eyes to see the darkness there. He had asked me to look into his eyes at the beginning of the night. “Yes,” he said, “you see it there.” It is utterly intense that I can see the darkness and intensity come over his beautiful light blue eyes. It is as if a shade is pulled. His normal loving, kind personae slips below and a darkly dominant one rises to the surface. He pushed into me all the way to the hilt. He began to ride me in earnest but just as I closed my eyes and arched my head back with the pleasure of it he slowed and stopped. Ugh, maddening! I am in need, I am desperate, and so I looked up at him.

“What do you want baby girl?” He was toying with me.

“Please Daddy, I want you.” He knows what I want, damn it!

“How do you want me, baby girl?” Dripping with feigned calm and tolerance. Torture, pure torture.

“I want you hard and fast, Daddy. Yes, I do, I want it hard and fast!” Please just fuck the hell out of me and stop the delay!

Then he pushed into me deep and hard and gave no mercy. Yes, yes, yes, that is what I want, that is what my body cries out for when I see him every time I’ve been away. It is something carnal, something visceral and animal. My cavewoman psyche takes over. Just grunt and pant and take it deeper and harder and finally give me your seed! During this wild ride is when I saw the darkness coalesce in his eyes. He growled, he told me in no uncertain terms how I am his, that I’m his toy, his slut, and that I am for him. This, right now, is for his pleasure not mine. God help me, but I love being used like that. I wanted him to take it all, to use me up completely until there was nothing left of me. He leaned up and arched his back, presenting himself to my eyes. He is magnificent when we does that. The power and the raw masculinity mows down the vestiges of my control. The added bonus of his languid stretching is it repositions him in my groin. He comes back from that stretch into a deeper thrust. I knew I was in for a deep pummeling, then. He fell upon me, piercing me deep and looking into me. Thrusting with his manhood and his eyes simultaneously, he questioned,

“What do you want slut?” I can’t think, I have no cogent thought, yet I must speak.

“Oh Daddy! Nnnhmm” Not good enough. Speak!

“Want do you want slut?” More pointed this time.

“I want your come, I want you, I want you to pin me to the bed!” Ugh, just ugh!

Then he pushed down on me, crushing me under his weight, thrusting deeper and harder and faster into me. My body sang to his music, my mind retreated. He put his burly hand on my neck and squeezed, not enough to choke me but enough to feel his control, to know viscerally that I have no say at this point. His base animal need had dominion. I was nothing but a means to his end. As he fucked me, he growled at me. I don’t remember the words. I do remember having to answer. I remember feeling and hearing the words squeak out of my compressed throat in a high pitched staccato. Up until this point, I was completely into the music he was playing. I had full intentions and need for this e-ticket ride. But at this moment, something changed. I fell out of rhythm, or my mind did anyway. My body still felt the pleasure but in my mind, I started holding on…bearing it. I saw that he was so close to orgasm and I wanted him to achieve it badly. I wanted a perfect culmination to an intense session but my mind started rebelling against the control. No cogent thoughts came of it, I just suddenly felt bereft. That’s really the only way I can explain it. I felt unloved and bereft. Just then, with his hand on my throat, growling to me, he pushed deep and deeper and came hard. I looked up at his magnificence and was so elated that I had stuck it out those last moments. I love hearing him orgasm, he shouts out and shakes and finally crushes me under him.   It is such a gift. I know then that I please him utterly in that release.

As soon as he came though, I needed him off. My groin was throbbing. My thigh joints were screaming. I had to close my legs. He rolled off, panting and catching his breath, and I immediately curled into a protective ball. I was hurting. I felt like you feel when someone has hurt your feelings. That sad feeling that you are nothing and that you don’t count in the world. It seems, somewhere in the midst of our play, I had felt truly used. I knew better. His is my Love, he cares for me deeply. I couldn’t go to these dark places unless I had him and his love. This exploration just wouldn’t be possible otherwise. Even, then, he was touching me and asking me if I was okay. Asking me to talk to him. I just couldn’t right then. I was trying to rise through the pain. I needed time. I just needed to be held, you know?

After a while, I felt myself return and I curled up against Mr. D. He was so caring and concerned. We talked. He knew I had had a trying, emotional week and said we need to take this slower during such times. He admonished me for allowing him to continue after I started to feel bad. He said, “You have words for that, you know, silly. You actually chose a second one yourself. You need to use them.” Yes, I have two safe words. One to stop completely and the other one I added just last week was one to slow down and reassess. I felt the second one would be easier for me to use. Sometimes, I bear the pain more than I would normally because I don’t want the scene to stop completely. I felt a ‘slow down’ word might be useful. I have these words for my protection.

So, what are my thoughts on what happened? Even after being admonished and feeling what I felt, I don’t think I would have stopped. We are playing with the edge, mentally and physically. I can call a safe word for either circumstance. Yet, I gained the beautiful end for him but only gave up a few moments of pain. Isn’t that part of submissiveness? It’s not all play. I am truly here for his pleasure. And yes, mine too. A huge part of my pleasure is derived from giving. Giving in sacrifice can be a part of that. So, no, I would not have changed anything really. I know I’m loved. I know he cares. I also know now how important aftercare is for times like that. It is very important to be comforted and brought back down slowly. Then to talk and understand where you went and why.untitled 2

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3 thoughts on “Skirting the Edge

  1. I know this post relates to something that happened a little while ago but I wanted to comment/share my thoughts regardless. Of course my thoughts may not relate to your own at all! I have experienced similar feelings, the want to be used, owned and taken completely followed by feelings of loss and sadness or having being used. I liken it to the sad or disappointed feelings that can arrive at the end of a special project or anything that has taken a huge amount of personal energy and time but has come to a natural end. It is like a completion that makes me wonder ‘will anything else ever be this satisfying?’ For me it is not rational but it is real, yet with care and attention, like you have done, these feelings pass. I am sure there are deep factors within my psyche that could be analysed in relation to these feelings (sense of worth etc) but as I grow, as my trust and communication strengthens these experiences lessen. I think a key factor for me was trusting the relationship, knowing that it would last and if it didn’t for whatever reason I would survive and ultimately be better for both having had the relationship and for the growth that comes with loss. It was also to do with my fear of speaking up, for asking what I want or being clear when asked what I want. I have found through learning this as a submissive it has spilled into my general life and made me much stronger. But it was hard at first to push myself beyond the throat constricting fear of saying what was shouting at the front of my mind, even when clearly being asked to do so. Sometimes I simply had no idea what I wanted, there was just a blank space. Again, my experiences as a submissive and being asked to seek answers about what I want has made me stronger and happier. From what little I have read of your blog today; you two have a beautiful D/s relationship, with good communication and trust. You are asking yourself excellent questions and having a place to compose these ideas and celebrate the gorgeousness of your relationship is wonderful. Happy to have found your blog 🙂

    1. Errant Satiety, thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. I sincerely appreciate the way you described your learning to speak up. This is still something I’m learning. This blog helps me fill in the blanks for Him when my real voice fails me. At least I know my failings. I was thrilled to find your blog as well. It is good to find others who strive for honesty and depth. Very nice to meet you.

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