After Mr. D wrote to me about his thoughts on being submissive, I thought I would try to put it into words myself. I have thought about my own choice to submit and it takes me back to my history and my past. I had a very needy mother. She is and was a wonderfully giving person. I love her dearly but I can still admit to her faults without it being hurtful. When my father cheated on her and left her with two young children to raise, she was lost. She pulled up her big girl pants and raised us but she wasn’t a strong person. I was her helper. I was her shoulder. I filled in the cracks for her wherever and whenever needed. You are part of a family and as a child you are at first coerced by talk of duty and family then at some point you drink the Koolaid and become what is asked of you. As I became a teenager, I was angry with my mother for being the way she was…for needing me the way she did. But I love her deeply and through many years of perspective I realize she just didn’t have the ability to do or be more than she did.
In the end, I was raised to be someone who helped others. I was raised to be the ‘good girl’ and to put others before myself, always. I learned that lesson so well that when I found a man who desperately needed me I thought, perfect, this works for me. At a young age, we really have no idea why someone’s need calls to us. In my case, I fulfilled the need as best I could but in the end, alcoholism won over. During the spiral of my husband’s addiction, I was the one who was desperate. I had to find out why I allowed this, why I was the way I was.
Fortunately, a friend led me to the D/s lifestyle. In the lifestyle, the power play between the giver and the receiver is out in the open…spoken and negotiated. No longer is there this unspoken, underlying power struggle that will take over my life. If the need is out in the open and so is the willingness to fill the need, then there is no resentment, no sense of being abused and used.
Ultimately, as Mr. D said in his poem, there is control and strength in giving someone else your service as a submissive. For me, service is the key part. I serve others. My mental make-up, carved out at a young age, is to serve others. I find myself doing it whether I initially want to or not. Just sit down in front of me while I’m watching TV. I’ll be massaging your neck and shoulders for 15 minutes before I even notice I’m doing it. I know now that I will give up everything I may want for myself and instead focus that energy on someone else. It has taken me a lot of Alanon to learn that I am important and that I cannot serve others well by doing everything for them. That just continues the disease if I’m serving an addictive person. So, now, I choose to negotiate my service as a submissive within the lifestyle of D/s or BDSM or the Kinky Lifestyle, however you like to think of it. My choice to be in this lifestyle has everything to do with my past and is a level of control I keep over my future. No longer will I serve in an unhealthy manner.
Mr. D and I have negotiated our roles in this lifestyle and in our relationship. Right now, we are new to each other, but we have a start on how his Domination works with my submission. We are learning each other. We have shared with each other our likes and some dislikes. Some things we are testing. I can feel him testing my boundaries and each time he reaches my edges and corners I feel it and I see him take note. He is so intelligent, I feel like he is always many steps ahead of me in this but I trust where he is leading us. I know he has my best interests at heart. In everyday life, I’m an executive. I’m used to being in control at work. But in my personal relationships, it is different. I choose to serve by being feminine, by giving pleasure, by being what my mate wishes as his companion. When I’m fulfilling that role and pushing my boundaries at the same time, I’m in heaven.
I feel very blessed to have grown enough to be at peace with how I was raised, who I am now and what I want in life. For years, I felt like I was weak and desperately tried to change myself. It is amazing what happens when you accept who you are and learn to live in your own skin. I’m still a work in progress. I admit to being powerless on a daily basis still. But I feel so much stronger now. I know it is okay to be soft, to bend to another’s will and to serve. I am happy again to please another and feel the sun of his smile when I have done well.