As I was saying, I began to write. I found out about blogging, chatting, online venues, and online virtual worlds. These were all completely new to me. At first, I wandered around in these virtual realms a bit lost and very green. After a while, though, I found out how people interacted and found a way of exploring that felt safe. No matter what crazy thing I did or said, at the end of the evening, I logged off and went back to my quiet little life. For a while, it was intoxicating. I felt my wings spread, I felt the cocoon of my quiet existence crack. I found that there was so much more out there in the world than I ever expected.
During this time, I found out about the world of BDSM. I had always felt like something was missing in the struggles between men and women. I knew I was old-fashioned in what I liked and wanted in a relationship. Part of me understood the women’s equal rights movement but part of me didn’t understand it at all. Of course, growing up in a post-equality world, I had the luxury of deciding where on this spectrum I fit. The women before me had given me that opportunity and for that I am eternally grateful. Where, I think, we went astray is how far we pushed the pendulum the other direction.
I truly feel women are a compliment to men. We fit as two parts to one whole. In this capacity, I feel comfortable filling my part of this role. I am, however, truly an independent person but in this independence I find that I am free to fit myself to the needs of a man. I think both sexes offer the other unique qualities that make this coupling perfect.
Once online, I found that the Dominance/submission aspect of BDSM spoke to me. It allowed my independence in my career and life but held my desire to submit to a man in the bedroom as a valid choice. I could be powerful as my own person and yet soft and submissive to a man. This lifestyle also gave the man the power in the relationship. Essentially, it brings the intrinsic power play of any relationship out into the open. No longer is there the underlying friction between two equals in a relationship. It is all on the table, so to speak. Aside from the kinky qualities of D/s, which are insanely fun, this clear discussion of the power play had me hooked.
So, with my new knowledge, I explored the world of D/s from afar. I wandered around in my mental world and read everything I could. I tried to fit what I liked into my life. However, by this time, my marriage was truly beyond repair. The alcoholic trap had completely taken over. I was completely trapped in my silence and didn’t feel there was any way out. Fortunately, I found a very dedicated friend online who had been an addict and led me to Alanon. I finally began to feel like there was a way back to my voice. With the help of my friend and Alanon, I found the will to break free and the voice to speak up for myself again.